Hocd, male, 34


New Member
I am at my near wit’s end. I am constantly battling myself. I am to the point where I feel I am just in denial. I should give up, move on to a new life and leave the things I have built and love.

My story starts with my youth. I was abused by a much older neighbor as a young child. Coerced into giving him oral and possibly anal sex. I don’t know for sure? I remember him telling me he wanted to try anal sex and showed me gay videos, but a lot of those memories make me feel sad, weird, horrible. I have blocked some of it out. I have been to therapy to work through them. They still haunt me, I feel my youth was stolen from me. At this same point in my life my mother was suicidal. She tried to kill herself and I was witness to all of it. I froze in that moment and never called 911. It put me at odds with my father (not his fault) I just felt I let him down. Our relationship has always been tumultuous, up and down. I feel like a disappointment to him.

Fast forward to my current life. I’m addicted to pornography. It started with the same things most porn obsessed start with. Vanilla things, and escalated quickly, fisting, shemales, extreme anal, squirting, gay erotica as well just to name a few things... I’m so ashamed of some of things I have done and have been done to me. I always felt an attraction to women, always thought they were beautiful. Now I have these constant concerns over loss of attraction. Men look like women, women look like men.

I can name hours of my favorite female pornstars I used to obsess over. Now they all feel like a lie. I’m married two kids and I’m on the brink of giving up. I don’t sincerely believe I’m 100% gay. It doesn’t feel like it fits. I also have no issue with anyone that is gay. My wife is still sticking by my side (God only knows why?) I’m making her miserable. I have struggled with POCD issues, and a few other issues OCD related and have been diagnosed twice. It all feels like a cover to keep working on the inevitable, coming out of the closet. I don’t want to start a new life. I was SO HAPPY! Now I am constantly depressed. Work is so hard. So many strained relationships. It’s everything to keep going each day. Just wish I wouldn’t wake up anymore.

Thanks for any feedback,
Miserable in Ohio...