I recently turned 40 and have been habitual in my PMO use since my teens. It's placed constant barriers to healthy functioning relationships. And now my inability to get a handle on this has cost me my wife and child. I've felt lost these last days. As I write this, I sit in a parking lot exiled from my home, uncertain if I will ever be allowed back.
My first encounter with P I was very young, 6 I think. Hiking around the hills behind our neighborhood we found a stash of loose magazine pics. I didn't know what was going on, but I was intrigued. Years later, I watched a VHS where a guy M/o to another couple. Now I knew M/o and had to give it a try. Hoo boy! From then I would snag any scrap of mag or video I could find. Even to the point of discovering an old 8mm and setting it up in a closet. By the 8th grade I had a stash under my dresser. This is the early 90s so internet was still pretty limited, but once I had access... Well now I had innocuous disks to hide my stash on, though I continued my "hard copy" horde throughout. Then came the high speed internet and the P explosion. By senior year I'd not had any dates but had a serious collection going.
I've gone back and forth with this for 2 decades now. This part of me feels stuck in an adolescent stage. As on guy put it in the YBOP long video, "it's like this P loving demon takes over and afterwards I feel confused and shameful. Wondering what the hell just happened."
That statement hit home hard with my experience.
I hadn't heard of rebooting until now, but I tried to break free many times. Toss out the collections, be good for a bit, it's all about self control right? Inevitably I'd hop on the internet if I felt low. Hell I even used PMO as a regular hangover cure. Get a boost to start the day. And I'd have relationships, but the P use would erode affections. I feel love and attraction but it's locked up. Suddenly I can't communicate. I'm no longer connected.
When I met my wife I thought for sure I could beat this. When she caught me the first time, I was up at 2am just scrolling. I couldn't sleep. Instead of seeing if she might be awake and interested, I slipped away. For the first time I admitted out loud to another I had a P problem. She was understanding, pissed off but compassionate. I didn't do a thing to correct my behavior. Had a few good months then back at it. She caught me again, this time scrolling at work for hours. Another opportunity to come clean and try to break free. I had a few good months of no PMO but I still couldn't engage my wife the way she was begging me to. Then this last week she found pictures I'd kept of intimate times with former partners. I had no reason to keep them. They were all from well before my wife. But I kept them. I don't know why. Not a great answer to give a hurting spouse who feels betrayed on a fundamental level. I never cheated on her, but with all the lies and deception, what's the difference? I feel like a monster. I want to be rid of this so much. Why do I do these things?
Today is day one of my reboot. Any help, advice or simple encouragement will be appreciated. I still have to set my hard goals. I'm taking my first baby steps to a permanently better version of me.
My first encounter with P I was very young, 6 I think. Hiking around the hills behind our neighborhood we found a stash of loose magazine pics. I didn't know what was going on, but I was intrigued. Years later, I watched a VHS where a guy M/o to another couple. Now I knew M/o and had to give it a try. Hoo boy! From then I would snag any scrap of mag or video I could find. Even to the point of discovering an old 8mm and setting it up in a closet. By the 8th grade I had a stash under my dresser. This is the early 90s so internet was still pretty limited, but once I had access... Well now I had innocuous disks to hide my stash on, though I continued my "hard copy" horde throughout. Then came the high speed internet and the P explosion. By senior year I'd not had any dates but had a serious collection going.
I've gone back and forth with this for 2 decades now. This part of me feels stuck in an adolescent stage. As on guy put it in the YBOP long video, "it's like this P loving demon takes over and afterwards I feel confused and shameful. Wondering what the hell just happened."
That statement hit home hard with my experience.
I hadn't heard of rebooting until now, but I tried to break free many times. Toss out the collections, be good for a bit, it's all about self control right? Inevitably I'd hop on the internet if I felt low. Hell I even used PMO as a regular hangover cure. Get a boost to start the day. And I'd have relationships, but the P use would erode affections. I feel love and attraction but it's locked up. Suddenly I can't communicate. I'm no longer connected.
When I met my wife I thought for sure I could beat this. When she caught me the first time, I was up at 2am just scrolling. I couldn't sleep. Instead of seeing if she might be awake and interested, I slipped away. For the first time I admitted out loud to another I had a P problem. She was understanding, pissed off but compassionate. I didn't do a thing to correct my behavior. Had a few good months then back at it. She caught me again, this time scrolling at work for hours. Another opportunity to come clean and try to break free. I had a few good months of no PMO but I still couldn't engage my wife the way she was begging me to. Then this last week she found pictures I'd kept of intimate times with former partners. I had no reason to keep them. They were all from well before my wife. But I kept them. I don't know why. Not a great answer to give a hurting spouse who feels betrayed on a fundamental level. I never cheated on her, but with all the lies and deception, what's the difference? I feel like a monster. I want to be rid of this so much. Why do I do these things?
Today is day one of my reboot. Any help, advice or simple encouragement will be appreciated. I still have to set my hard goals. I'm taking my first baby steps to a permanently better version of me.
