A Very Personal Journal

[matt95]

Hello everyone! I'm Matt, I'm 26 and I have been addicted to porn for 15 years. I will try to keep this as brief as possible, but I have a lot to say in this first post.

My journey through all this has not been a pleasant one, as I'm sure many of you would agree. If I'm 100% honest with myself, the roots of this addiction actually occurred long before I ever watched porn. When I was very young, (so young I can't even remember, all I remember is that I was still wearing pull-ups during the daytime) I was molested. I was so young I really didn't understand what was happening, I just knew that I hated it and wanted it to stop. I know that I am actually very lucky because it was a single incident and never happened again, but it was enough to change me on a fundamental level.

As I got older and learned what it meant to be gay, I started to really worry that I was going to be gay in part because of what had happened to me years earlier. No one should have their first sexual experience at age 5. Through elementary and middle school I started to become obsessed with sex even before I hit puberty. I used to ask my Dad when I would start liking girls and if I would know for sure that I liked girls and he would always tell me that yes I would know for sure when I got older. Before I even turned 10 I had snuck books, articles and other reading material (yes the age before computers) about puberty and sex.

By the time I turned 11 I knew something had changed. I wasn't looking at girls the same way and all of a sudden was very attracted to girls much older than me. I was obsessed with seeing a naked woman for the first time and I finally got my chance when my whole family went out of town and left me alone at home for the first time. My family was gone for 2 days and I spent most of that time on our computer figuring out how to delete history and cover my tracks. When I turned 12 my parents got me my own laptop and things devolved from there.

High school did not help my problem. In fact I didn't even recognize that I had one until I was in college. I went to a boarding school where I had a room to myself, with a computer to myself and that was a recipe for disaster. I dated several girls throughout high school and never thought for a second that my porn use was an issue. However my life was not going well. I began to get extremely depressed and I didn't know how to deal with it. My emotional issues worsened over time and I ended up attempting suicide when I was 16. Obviously I failed at that and am happy I did. In retrospect I believe my porn addiction was a major factor in my poor emotional health.

It wasn't until I got to college that I noticed something was very wrong. At the beginning of my freshman year, I met a girl and we started hooking up pretty much immediately. She was the first girl I had been with in about a year and I was shocked when I just couldn't get hard at all. I spent my entire freshman year of college looking for answers but found none until May of 2015 when I stumbled on YBOP.

My first attempt at rebooting I made it exactly 3 weeks and then couldn't take it anymore and relapsed. I continued like this throughout college, attempting to quit, failing, spiraling and then trying again. I developed a very unhealthy view of sex and joined a fraternity my sophomore year of college. I slept around a lot and didn't really make any lasting connections, though I did date one girl for about 4 years. I feel terrible about that relationship too because I ended it several times with her and slept with other girls and dated other girls while we were actively having sex.

I have been trying to quit porn for over 6 years now. I feel as if I've tried everything at this point. I have installed covenanteyes on all my devices (I highly recommend it, it's very good accountability software) I've tried having accountability partners and am in a very happy and healthy relationship with the most incredible woman I've ever met. Despite all this, I keep fucking up! It drives me absolutely crazy. I want to quit so badly and yet I continue to sabotage myself. I feel like I've completely squandered my education and the incredible opportunities my parents gave to me. I have so little motivation to do anything now I feel like life is just passing me by and I can't stand it.

Sorry for such a long post! Thank you to everyone who read it all. I want to be better. I want to quit. I will keep trying until I am clean. I'm here asking for your support and I would love to support all of you too. While I haven't been successful overall, I have learned quite a lot and have gotten two long streaks (75 and 81 Days) where I definitely saw improvements.

Lastly, I'd love to talk to anyone who is currently, or has successfully rebooted while in a relationship. I can go into more detail with that in another post but that is my main concern now.

We can do this! Stay strong everyone! I'm glad to be a part of this community.

 

[matt95]

Journal Entry 2

It has officially been 12 days and 4 hours since I last PMO'd and I have been trying to decide on whether or not I should do a hardmode challenge and just avoid O altogether for awhile (maybe 90 days?) or if simply staying away from porn will be enough to change things for me. I have been doing hard mode for just 2 Days and 13 hours and honestly it's been a nightmare so far. My desire for porn is through the roof right now and I'm so tired of it. It is such a physical craving I feel like I've been on the verge of a panic attack or something similar since Saturday.

I want to get better so badly. I want to wake up with morning wood every day. I can't even remember what that is like. I think the last time I consistently had MW was when I was about 18 so it has been 8 years that it has been gone now. On my first long reboot where I did hard mode I made it to 75 days and I started getting MW after a few weeks but it was still infrequent. By the end it was getting much harder and it made me realize just how bad I've gotten over the years. I don't even remember what it feels like to be fully hard. I have severe PIED for sure. I can get somewhat hard with my girlfriend and somewhat hard with porn, but I can't ever get 100% or even close to it. I saw a urologist and ruled out any medical issues and he even gave me Cialis. I felt absolutely terrible getting it and filling the prescription was so embarrassing. The worst part was that it didn't even work. Even when I took a full pill I saw no difference in my erection quality. That along with my 75 day streak convinced me of how real and how serious the effects porn has on our brains.

I want so badly to relapse right now. I feel like no matter what I do or how long my streaks are I always fuck things up. I know that is the kind of thinking that gets me into a relapse mindset though. Even now I want to rationalize it as it's only 2 days of hardmode that you're losing. But I know that is just the addiction talking. I'm tired of being a slave to this addiction and want to press onward, I'm just really daunted by how long of a journey it will be. I looked at what 90 days would be and that is September 24, but if I'm a long rebooter it could end up being like Gabe who I think did 9 months and other guys who take over a year. But I have to start somewhere right? And even though it's not much so far, 12 days no P and 2 days of no O is a start.

Stay strong everyone. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read my useless stream of consciousness journal entries.

12 Days of no porn
2 Days of hardmode

 

[Flesh]

Hi matt, I'm gonna give you just an idea of mine, at least one that made it works for me up until now. I crave porn and ejaculation but I don't have "urges" if that makes sense. If not I can try to describe it further. I feel the body needs and wants me to do these things but it's separated from my cousciousness who knows it's never gonna give in so the body keeps the general intense crave but there no "prefrontal cortex cascade" of me and my body fighting to know if i'm gonna do it or not (which you appear to struggle with). And the reason why it's that way is that I have reasons that outperfom my brain reasons to PMO. Does it make sense to you ?

So my "tips" would be to write down your reasons on a paper as it comes, then put em in order of importance. I know u wrote them or some of them here but that way you wouldn't need to go on the computer to check them. Then I would read them once in the morning and once in the evening, and one by one take the time to realize what the sentence you just read imply fully in your life (for example what ur gf means to u, then what your mentalhealth means to u, etc with each reason u wrote down).

Because I see you having very damn good reasons to not fall back into it, but u still do from time to time, I feel like you know reasons why you shouldn't give in but you may not realize them (=understand/see in your mind all the implications of them)

Often time we don't appreciate what we have and we realize it completely when we lose it.

am in a very happy and healthy relationship with the most incredible woman I've ever met.

I ended up attempting suicide when I was 16.

I have severe PIED for sure.

And so on..

I want so badly to relapse right now. I feel like no matter what I do or how long my streaks are I always fuck things up.

Also about that one, I would emphasise that u gotta learn to differenciate your thoughts from the thoughts your brain gives you so you give in.

I know that is the kind of thinking that gets me into a relapse mindset though

You even kinda notice it, but it's not your thinking, it's really your brain working soooo hard to give you reasons that outperfoms yours. The differenciation is so important to see your ennemy otherwise you make the same mistake as most people and think "huhuh im shit, i give myself reasons to give in, how stupid am I huhuhu", no that's the brain not you. I personnaly like to separate it like -> "the biological mind" and "my consciousness".

Good luck bro

 

[matt95]

Hi Flesh, thanks for taking the time to read my posts! I get where you're coming from! I have actually tried writing stuff down to try to keep me on track. And I actually do think about it as you described. When I'm really struggling with urges I try to remind myself that it isn't actually me being truly horny or aroused it's my addiction trying to convince me to fall back into old habits. The big problem I face with it is the withdrawal I think. When I want to relapse it's not usually out of boredom, it's primarily because I feel like I just absolutely have to have it in that moment or I'm going to lose it. It is such a physical urge/need it's hard to ignore and when it's persistent and hangs around for a few days or worse a week plus then my willpower eventually gives out. I have put a ton of things in place to make it extremely difficult to relapse, but that addicted brain always seems to find a way around them.

I am trying really hard to change my mindset and want desperately to be more than this. I feel like porn has been in control of me since I was 11. I know that the addiction didn't happen in a day but it sure feels like every day getting out of it is a nightmare! Hoping it gets better with time. When I hit 75 days of hard mode my erectile health had improved significantly, but the urges and longing for porn didn't really diminish, so I know I'll need far longer than that to truly recover.

Good luck to you too!! We can do this.

 

[matt95]

Journal Entry 3

One major frustration of mine throughout this process is how much I end up missing porn as I get further and further from my last relapse. It feels like there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying "there are new videos you haven't seen" "New girls" "You know you're missing out" and so on. Even when the physical urges themselves are not that strong I miss it on a psychological level. I am currently missing it tremendously even though I know it has truly nothing to offer me. But at the same time I'm feeling very alone and depressed despite the fact that I know I shouldn't. I want to be rid of this addiction so badly and yet here I am again missing it like an old girlfriend.

I've been trying to keep in mind why I'm doing this and what I hope to get out of it. I want to be free of this addiction. I want to be able to focus on productive things in my life for once and not just obsess over naked girls or fucked up scenarios. A big part of me worries that I'll never stop missing it or wanting it. And an even larger part of me is worried that even if I stay away I won't get better like everyone else. Or I'll see minor improvements and realize all of my problems and insecurities are just part of who I am and have nothing to do with my addiction.

But I have to keep going. Every time I relapse I try to remind myself that all I have to do to be successful with this is just not watch porn again. Just don't go looking for it. And yet here I am trying to rationalize a relapse again. I just want to see progress again. But it is just so hard to stick with it. I want to get 100% hard just by thinking about it or touching myself or kissing my girlfriend like I did when I was younger. I don't want to have to deal with ED anymore. I want to feel happy again. I want to get rid of my brain fog. I want to lose weight and improve my health and wellbeing and gain some confidence in myself. I know this has to start with porn. I need to avoid O's for awhile it is just very difficult to. I want to get regular morning wood again. I haven't had morning wood since I was about 18 and I can't even remember how it feels. I can't remember how it feels to be 100% hard. I want to get better and know who I am without porn in my life.

23 days of no porn
0 hard mode (I had sex with my girlfriend today and O'd)

I've got to get back on the no O bandwagon.