A 17 year-old struggling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Porn Addiction

[Victor]

Hi folks! Once again I'm Victor, a teenager that just like you struggling to porn addiction. But my case has a twist because I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). In the past 2 years of my life (Btw I'm turning 18) I'm struggling with OCD, an anxiety disorder characterized by Intrusive thoughts (Obsessions) and rituals(Compulsions) just to relieve my self from the obsessive thoughts.  I wouldn't not elaborate my OCD life story. 2 years ago also, along with my OCD my porn addiction kicked in. My first porn experience is when I was 6 years old when I saw my step father's magazines of women topless and doing sexual acts. I don't know why I can still recall that instance of my life and not recall what happened yesterday. It's kinda weird. Btw, then I learn to PMO when I was 12 year's old watching sexually explicit movies like Coyote ugly, american pie etc. Then when we had internet connection, i learn about porn sites and masturbate to porn occasionally (maybe once or twice a month). But now, it was almost everyday that I watched and masturbate to porn. a year ago, I tried to stop to do porn because for me it's bad for our religion ( I'm a Roman Catholic) and I noticed that after 4 weeks of not masturbating to porn it boost up my confidence and I'm really feeling good.

The problem now is that my OCD and Porn Addiction works in synergy to impair me and destroy my life. Whenever I choose to stop porn, it's really hard to resist porn because my OCD keeps on making a hindrance to really stop porn. I have homophobia (Afraid of gays), mysophobia ( Fear of germs), hypochodriasis ( Fear of having a fatal illness). I have really complicated condition. I'll give you an example. If you want to quit porn you must have other outlet/things to do that is not connected with your computer. I want to go outside and play basketball but I just can't because I'm afraid of germs outside.

I've been rebooting and relapsing for nth times already. I just don't know. Now while writing this journal I'm really demotivated and feeling hopeless of my condition. reading success stories in YBOP gives me hope that I can win over my PORN ADDICTION AND OCD.

 

[Victor]

Starting day 1. Best of luck for me.

 

[fugu]

Best of luck man. A successful reboot can only help you! I'll be following you

 

[kopp]

http://zenhabits.net/fear-not/

 

[Username]

Hey Victor,

I have been in the same position as you before and hence know what I'm talking about.
To make it short: No doctor, no medication, no hospital-stay is going to drag you out of this mess, you have to do it yourself - in my case, only the third of even fourth professional I had spoken too could really help me. But then again, all he did was encouraging me to figure out patterns and conclusions on my own.
There are two books I'd like to recommend to you: "Getting Control" and "The Imp of the Mind", both written by Lee Baer. I've never read better and more precise advice on how to regain control of your brain again (actually, the key is to let go of control, but well...).
If you have any further questions, drop me a line. Cheers!

 

[Victor]

DAY 1 - The Enlightenment: Finding hope

It was almost 1 day since I last  saw porn, masturbated and have an orgasm. My journal will be different from the usual journals that I'm seeing that just reports what happened to me, the triggers, how hard to reboot but I'm gonna talk about life, and how I'm going to transform myself into a better person. Just like Nick Vujicic said, "Transforming walls into doors."

Let me give you a brief background of my story. I'm 17 year-old teen that is struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Porn addiction in the last two years. I've been trying to quit porn in the last six months and my longest streak was about 4 weeks. I want to stop this porn addiction because I have read many accounts that after they have stopped porn, their OCD and depression also subside.


Today I'll talk about the thing that I thought I have lost. Hope is expecting certain thing to happen but what if you have lost it? I've been there where I thought there's no hope, that I can't break free from this addiction. Although It is only day 1, but I realized that there is still hope, that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel of misery, of struggles and of pain, the tunnel of porn addiction. Hopelessness is what will bring us down. But God will make a way for us to realize that there still hope, that tomorrow the sun will still rise. It came to the point that I'm so numb about God and sometimes I curse Him. I have lost my faith on him and further I lost hope. I'm not a preacher nor a hyprocrite to say this to you but God is the only one who can help you. That's why there is always hope because there is God. But God is not a magician that will instantaneously heal you from your porn addiction. You and I must know to help first ourselves. The decision on breaking free from this addiction is from ourselves. After you will help yourself there follows the help of God. Hope is all we need to surpass this addiction. Today I want you and me to find the hope. To find God. This is only the beginning and there are many days to come and struggles to surpass. Being PORN FREE is being a better person that is what I want.


Day 1 is a depressing day. I'm still finding hope in my condition that I can and I will be a better person. Good day!

 

[kopp]

Day 1 is a depressing day? Make it a better day

I'll be sureying your journal, you'd better not lie when you say you'll write about how you change your life, I'll kick your ass otherwise

 

[Victor]

Day 1 is a depressing day? Make it a better day

I'll be sureying your journal, you'd better not lie when you say you'll write about how you change your life, I'll kick your ass otherwise

Lol hahaha. Thanks kopp. I've been so depressed the past few days because I just relapsing and binging. Yeah I wanna make it a better day. Tomorrow will be another day for me. I really want to change especially for my mom and dad, I don't want to disappoint them. We should do it together! Rebooting is not a solo process maybe we can help each other and other people here.

 

[Victor]

DAY 2 - The Metanoia

Day 2. What a day, I'm gradually improving myself to being to "better victor" who is porn free and OCD free. I named this journal metanoia, a greek word which means change of heart. I'm not only changing my brain and rewiring it back to what it used to be but I am also changing my heart and my soul. I got my hair cut very short to indicate as a sign of change that I will be a better person, a new person that is not fascinated with porn anymore, a person who lives life to the fullest. I'm slowly making myself get back to reality. I have so many stuffs to do at school that I'm sure will help me to stay away from porn. I'm also trying to avoid being alone and surfing facebook because that is one of the main triggers for me to PMO. I hope that this will continue until the day that I can finally withstand against porn. Good day!

P.S. I got reconnected with my highschool sweetheart which made me happy and determined to overcome my problems. I really love her and I hope also that someone will help me about her.  ;D

 

[kopp]

I dont have much time today, I'll write a bit more next time : just tell us more about that girl! I'll do my best to help you

 

[Victor]

DAY 3 - DISCONNECTING TO PORN, RECONNECTING WITH GOD

Day 3 was good. I really need to continue this tomorrow I need get some sleep. I'll elaborate about with the title of my journal

 

[Victor]

DAY 3 - DISCONNECTING FROM PORN, RECONNECTING WITH GOD (Continuation)

Heading to day three, it was a very spectacular moment. I really have now a positive outlook with my situation. That I can surpass this addiction.

By the way, I entitled my day 3 journal "Disconnecting from PORN, Reconnecting with GOD" because first of all, like all of you here, I really want to break free from my porn addiction because it destroys my life, my confidence, my social skills, my guts. We all have different reasons why we want to break free from the crippling shackles of porn. Some wants to be more sexually efficient, some says it ruins their social skills and others like me because of religious concern. I really want to break free from porn because not only of the bad effects that it brings to my being but also porn is a sin to God because you are treating sexual acts like a hobby. You also denigrates the dignity of women and involve in those sexual acts. As I said, I'm not here to be a preacher to you, I'm just expressing my own concern with porn.

Porn as a sin, creates a gap within me and with God and whenever I use porn, it feels like I'm just getting farther away from God. I really want to end this to have myself reconnected with Him. I'm just a religious person, I love God so much that's why I want to end this sinful act. But to set aside my religous concerns, we all know that porn really destroys our life, our confidence, our social skills and sex life for some. That's just my side, everyday I'll try my best to stay away from porn until it comes to the point that I don't find  it amusing anymore and ofcourse, reconnecting with the Supreme Being.

P.S. The girl that I used to mention really makes me happy. She is also one of the reasons why I want to quit PORN and manage my OCD.

 

[Victor]

DAY 4 - GETTING BACK IN THE RHYTHM

Day 4 was a good day although I have one urge and trigger to PMO. I wasn't able to post on time because I studied  for my exam today. I will not elaborate further this day instead I'll be focusing on day 5 which I'm going to post in a few hours.

 

[Victor]

DAY 5 - THE CONFIDENCE BOOSTER (POSITIVE OUTLOOK IN LIFE)

Good day! So It's been almost a week since my first day of reboot, and I'm really feeling good now even though I have my ups and downs. I'm really confident now to be a better person that is not afflicted with porn, ocd. I talked with a long time friend and she said that I should always pray, smile and have a positive outlook in life because that wil help me surpass my problems. I tried it and it was really effective. I'm so inspired now by my friends and family. There's nothing to stop me, even porn. I can be the a better person that I wish to be. That's all. I must have a positive outlook with my condition, that I can surpass it with the help of you and my friends and family, and of course our GOD.

 

[Victor]

Relapse. Again. fml. I'm so dissappointed.

 

[Username]

Allow yourself to be disappointed, but don't let it get you down. Try to analyze what made you trip this time - what was it? What could be change in order to reduce to risk of repeating that mistake?

 

[kopp]

Read again what you wrote at day 5. Go back to the Victor you were on day 5.

You're strong bro, never forget that

 

[Victor]

DAY 2 - I'M STRONK (Joke intended)

Hi there. What I can just say for today is that, the moment that I'll surrender is the moment that I'll be defeated. I'll just try more and more and more and never ever let my self down again. It's just a relapse, It's not the end of the world. The key thing here is learning from my mistake. There is no reason to lose hope because there is my family who loves me, my friends, you my co-rebooters out there and especially God, He's my number one source of strength because I'm doing this not only for me, but also especially for Him because I love Him. I can't never change my circumstance, here it is, there is no turning back.

The reason why I relapsed because whenever I wake up early (and accidentally I woke up that day with a porn dream) I have always the tendency to relapse and to binge 3 to 4 times that day. To solve that problem, maybe I should lessen my computer usage and focus more on the real world. My computer is my greatest enemy, also my mind. But it takes time. Maybe I'm gonna relapse, or get through it within days or weeks but I don't care, because I will never give up. For as long that I never quit, I will never lose this battle and who knows, maybe one day I'll just wake up and say "Hey I don't love porn anymore!"


P.S. I wish to inspire people, I will explain this in a few days I'm just pretty busy with school now.

 

[Victor]

I relapsed today but I'm far better than the past week where I've been so depress and hopeless. I have decided to set SOME RULES so that I will not relapse up until Christmas ( That's my short-term goal). So here I go.

1. I'm not going play any games (league of legends for example) in my pc or laptop for the next 40 days.
    Reason: Playing video games is the most of my time consuming activities when using computer. Although it does not make me view porn, in a way it brings me closer to triggers on the pc.
2. I'm not going to open my facebook unless there is an important reason like important announcements.
  Reason: We all know it, surfing on facebook is a major trigger.
3. I'm not going to make my self alone especially at home.
4. I'm not going to use the computer and search on forums. I will just open my laptop if I have an assignment or important stuffs.
5. I'll install a security feature in my phone, because it will be the only one to email, search and message my friends and important people.


That are just some of the rules. I'll add more after day 1. No I'm not feeling bad about my situation anymore because I know I can do it.

 

[Victor]

DAY 1,2 and 3 - SO CLOSE

So today I almost relapse but I really thanked my mom who just came home just in time before I'm going to bypass our router and PMO. Thank God I just put that DNS ip just to delay my  PMO attempt.

I have this question, is addiction really like this? My mind is saying that I need to jack off to porn to release my stress, to ease the loneliness (Me having no girlfriend since then) and many other more things. Is porn really like this that your mind i constantly making excuses for you to PMO. This was the toughest 3 days of NO PMO ever in my life. It's a battle with my free will and my monkey mind that keeps on telling me demonic things. I really wanna cry right now. Man, all I want to is to take my life back that was stolen away by this addiction. I know this will be going to be tougher as the days pass by but with the guidance of God, I'm sure I can do this. And by december 24 (Which is my 40-day PMO free short term goal) I'll be a better man. And indeed I really want to have a girlfriend.

Lesson learned today? I'M NEVER GONNA LEAVE MYSELF ALONE AT HOME.

Gonna be updating my journal every day now. Thanks and God bless us all!