Just for today...

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intuitiveintimacy

Member
Cutting a long story short, I'm 35.

Started PMOing since 12. Really got bad at Uni when I had my own laptop and broadband internet. No social life, no girlfriend, severe social anxiety.

In my early 20's I developed PIED. It was a KILLER to my self esteem and my ability to have sex.

By 24 discovered yourbrainonporn and changed my whole life. Went cold turkey for 3 months, severe withdrawal symptoms. But by 2.5 months my erections came back!

Unfortunately went back to my old porn ways and PIED came back. Struggled with it ever since. Went cold turkey and celibate for 3 years. Didn't recover fully.

Did a lot of inner work on myself, help understand my patterns of behavior.

Was lead by higher intuition in to the most beautiful relationship I've ever had. Struggled with ED in the last 2 years while using drugs to help every so often.

Have been clean from PMO for nearly 6 weeks and my erections were coming back, natural, better than it has been for a long time.

But fucked up on Sunday night, no idea why!

Decided to write a blog and track my journey. I'm committed to this being over and done with to be honest. I want health and I want to step out of my own way!
 
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yogi

Active Member
Welcome to the forum

Your story rhymes with mine.

I too have struggled for 8 years to break free. Finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Journaling is a cathartic and helps to flush out your negative emotions. Keep journaling regularly. Visit others' journals and read their stories. Offer words of encouragement/ advice.

We will overcome this together!
 
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Timetoheal2396

Member
Welcome to the forum. Recovering from this addiction isn't always a straight road I to have been struggling with relapse the past year and to date my longest streak has been two weeks. The good news is you have done it before and keep coming back on track to start again after a relapse. One day at a time man. You got this!!!
 
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intuitiveintimacy

Member
A week sober no PMO. For the last 2.5 years its been periodical. In 2019 after getting back in to relationships with 3 years of near celibacy my urges was coming back slowly so every few month of weeks I would act out. Then it would be every 3 - 4 weeks, then to every 2 weeks.

But body is recovering, had sex with partner the other day the erections were really strong to begin with but over the time of foreplay it became soft.

It will heal with a bit of time I know.

Slowly uncoupling with my partner, she moved out on Saturday night. Stayed at her new place together for the first night and yesterday stayed on my own. I feel okay about it, house feels a bit quiet but its all good. Getting used to it a bit more now. Want to commit to work, inner and outer work.

Have been browsing dating sites to see who is available but I don't want to make any action to reach out to anyone because I want my current relationship to come to its conclusion cleanly.

I have this new abundance mentality now. I know I don't have to worry about being alone, I'm okay with it and when I'm ready for another relationship I shall receive it.

A day at a time... :)
 
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intuitiveintimacy

Member
Update, on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, sadly I slipped and PMO. I let go of any shame I feel. Its a lesson learned. Its interesting to notice in myself that it only takes a split second decision to make a choice and I'm not saying I made a wrong choice but not the choice I would've preferred. I have come to a new awareness though, if my current relationship comes to an end, I don't want to jump in to another long term relationship straight away. I would like to explore sexual intimacy with a woman who is wanting to explore that as well without the expectation of a relationship. I tried that with my current partner but it naturally and organically went in to a beautiful loving committed one. I would like to just experience sex without being transactional but an exchange of energy and experience based on connection and intimacy... Has anyone had experience with someone?
 
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Freddy

Active Member
I think you’d best focus on your recovery to then go on to thinking about what kind of sex or relationship you want to engage in…
 
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yogi

Active Member
My suggestion: do not focus on entering into any kind of sexual relationship.

Unlike porn, physical sex involves a lot of emotional bonding (unless of course you are a pornstar).
Remember, even pornstars have revealed that they suppress feelings and emotions during filming. They feel dead inside after so many years doing that.

And even if you suppress YOUR emotions, she might not suppress hers.

So unless you have successfully rebooted, don't try any kind of new relationship.
 
A

AJM

Active Member
intuitiveintimacy said:
Update, on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, sadly I slipped and PMO. I let go of any shame I feel. Its a lesson learned. Its interesting to notice in myself that it only takes a split second decision to make a choice and I'm not saying I made a wrong choice but not the choice I would've preferred. I have come to a new awareness though, if my current relationship comes to an end, I don't want to jump in to another long term relationship straight away. I would like to explore sexual intimacy with a woman who is wanting to explore that as well without the expectation of a relationship. I tried that with my current partner but it naturally and organically went in to a beautiful loving committed one. I would like to just experience sex without being transactional but an exchange of energy and experience based on connection and intimacy... Has anyone had experience with someone?
Click to expand...
Hey brother , dont jump into a new relationship.
Give time to your self , get to know yourself.
You will surely get a great partner , focus on reboot and you will attract the one for you.
 
I

intuitiveintimacy

Member
I appreciate your comments friends. You are correct. In my experience, its always a better idea to have a few weeks of solid sobriety, calm mind and being before making any decision. Taking time to be on my own is always a beneficial experience. I will think about it more then... Thank You :)
 
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intuitiveintimacy

Member
Friends. I've had a rough few days of binging on Friday and Saturday. I've had this pattern of 2 to 3 weeks of sobriety and then acting out. In that time a build up of sexual thoughts would just happen which would slowly break me down like droplets of water carving a mountain. I also have these hero mentality that I want to let go, as though I am doing this to save the world. I'm doing this for me, I want a life not only free from porn but to chose other healthier behaviours. I want a healthy loving, intimate trusting sex life with a wonderful partner that is able to offer and receive those things too! I want clarity of thought, stronger body and more vibrant energy. I want to be a wholesome healther loving intimate being.... Just for today
 
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legal_alien

Member
I relate to this buddy.

PMO has worn us out. Most of us here haven't quite known what it means to have a healthy body, a poised mind, and a drive to achieve goals. It is one of the things drives me the most in my attempt to become sober. The curiosity of "What would I be if only I'd exercise self control for the rest of my life?"

I know the effects of addiction that has lasted for more than two decades are gonna take a good while to subside. But I'm all for it. Set a daily workout routine, go to bed early, use phones only for work purpose. Mindless browsing and scrolling is a strict no no and honestly a welcome time saver. Journaling everyday is helping me remember each day "why we do what we do". I was watching a video on YouTube and the guy said be mindful of "HALT" i.e. hunger, anger(stress), loneliness, and tiredness. These make us vulnerable. So yeah that s that.

Drop a message if you ever wish to talk.
Whats a life without meaning and purpose.
And that's what this fight is about. 🖖🏻
 
I

intuitiveintimacy

Member
My partner died on the 16 February 2022 in an unexplained caravan fire.

I was watching porn the night before she passed and in the morning of her passing too.

I find it hard to forgive myself.

Some days I wonder if I could've been there if I didn't use. That my connection to her was disrupted because of my porn use.

At times I blame myself, I told her the day before I would protect her and this happens. How can I protect her when I can't look after myself by stopping watching porn.

After her passing I was so traumatised and shocked I didn't use for nearly 6 weeks.

We were together for 2 years 7 months to the day of our first date.

I wasn't given any rights to information of what happened or to her funeral because we weren't married. I was gaslighted by her friends he accused me of bullshit.

We were in a loving, intimate healthy relationship. We were both doing the work! Yeh, we had our issues we worked through them as loving intimate healthy couples too.

I never got the chance to tell her she is/was my first true love, she was my soul mate. Coming from a toxic family past and being in a toxic marriage in the past, this was the first time I was in love with someone for who they are and not for what they could be!

I was blessed. A month before her passing I discovered Marnia Robinson's (Gary Wilson's wife) book Cupid's Poison Arrow and we started practicing Karezza. I really thought we had found what would help to bond us indefinitely, the evidence was all there.

Some times after having sex I noticed that I would subtly change just like PMO but less intense.

I discovered that my primary addiction wasn't porn, it was orgasm! Women have a similar issue to orgasm too I discovered.

Karezza would've helped me and her overcome that.

When my heart was completely open to my beloved that is when I lost her. I consider it a blessing to have experienced that depth of love, to open myself so fully to someone when I have been so scared of losing them, scared of the abandonment.

She knew she was loved and that in the end, I chose her over wanting a child. That's how important and how much I was in love with her.

Yesterday I used and I PMO'd 3 times.

I want to stop! My rage comes up of all the things that happened after her passing and the passing herself.

I don't want to numb any more... I want health, I want to live and I want to feel her spirit in my own heart and being but I can't do that if I can't feel myself.

She told me the day before her passing, "you can't look after me, unless you look after yourself first". Wise woman.

Please Universe, Oneness, Love... Please help me stop. I want to be the best version of myself, I want to be the man I know I already am. I just want to be free and free myself from my own prison.

I just want to forgive myself for not being there that day and for acting out the day before.

Freedom is a choice... Please help me choose health, intimacy and love.

Just for today...

I love you my love... I love you soo much. I always have, I always will. In this life and the next.
 
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intuitiveintimacy

Member
Nearly a week ago I was in bed with a woman. We cuddled and we escalated things to taking our clothes off. Things got more intense with kissing, caressing.... My heart wasn't in it and I'm not sure if I am attracted to this woman or that I am just in grief. What I do know for sure is that it wasn't a good idea. I started to develop headaches and pains.

This morning my mind went in to fantasy mode.

I miss my partners body so much.

Something not talked about in bereavement is sexual bereavement. This journey is taking its toll but I will get through it.
 
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intuitiveintimacy

Member
I was at a party yesterday and it was meant to be fancy dress. I WAS THE ONLY ONE DRESSED UP! I came in a lion suit and wore a kings crown. The theme was kings and queens so I came as the lion king. The story really resonated with me... Losing a loved one, being blamed for their death. Being banished, finding out the truth and claiming my rightful place.

I think people didn't know how to respond to me with my partner's death. I'm in a better place but I do miss her deeply. Intimacy and foundation were the foundation of our relationship. I know what its life to live in a healthier loving intimate partnership and I am grateful for that experience.

Another symbology I felt from the party. Why do I need to fit in when I was born to stand out. Be the man I want to be and allow myself to bathe in my own power.

I love me and I love you!

Peace be to the past.

For the journey.
 
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