I just realized I haven't actually given an introduction of myself & how I ended up here yet.
I know I should have put it on my 1st post but I guess I should do it now so here goes:
MY STORY>
EARLY DAYS:
I started watching pornographic material when I was around 9 or 8. It was just pictures then. I remember the rush that you get the very 1st time you see that stuff, a mixture of excitement, fear of getting caught, arousal (granted I didn't understand what it was back then) your mind opens up to this part of human nature you weren't supposed to be exposed to until way later. But once your minds open to it you can't shut it off again. Coz you've already seen it. So I guess I continued on like that a couple years. When I was 12 I started masturbating prone while fantasizing about the pictures I'd seen or girls I'd seen @ school. My parents were constantly fighting @ that point & I sort of retreated into myself & would just spend a lot of time with the magazines, playing video games & fantasizing.
TEENS:
When I got to high-school mobile internet became accessible & everyone was using it. I got my 1st phone @ the time. I started browsing porn sites almost everyday & masturbating to porn videos in the shower, it was around that time I learned to masturbate the other way & not prone. in senior year I was under a lot of pressure to pass into a good university by my entire family, & my parents were also separated @ the time so I guess just to cope I turned to PMO for release of all my frustrations, I started using more times than ever & started becoming a recluse introvert. people in my neighborhood started shunning me because of it. though they didn't know what I was going through. so that just added to the pain. porn was my morphine. in my final year I tried to have sex with my girl but wasn't able to get hard enough. we broke up after that. I didn't know what exactly was wrong but knew porn had something to do with it. The brain fog took over as my reward circuitry was changed, I didn't have motivation to do anything let alone study. as a result I never got accepted anywhere after high-school. Depressed I just drowned myself in my addiction. I already could tell it was harming me but didn't care. I was numb.
NOW:
fast forward few years I'm now 22 & still addicted. I just got a good call center rep job 6 months ago. I quit prior to that to get my mind right to pass training but when put in it's actual work environment the stess burned up my mind & I just went back to old ways. & I've noticed the brain fog & lack of focus return affecting my ability to do my job. I'm worried about being fired. & don't want that to happen. So I guess my goal here is to take myself back from my addiction & hope that by being here I'll find help.
