An Ex-Porn Addict's Message to Jennifer Lawrence...And Everyone Else.

[Gabe Deem]

This week Jennifer Lawrence broke her silence about her nude photos being leaked all over the internet, and it is safe to say she is heated about it. The 24-year-old actress has spoken out in the new issue of Vanity Fair. She spoke at length about the leak with the magazine, but I want to point out a very important comment she made that most people are ignoring. In the interview she revealed WHY she took the pics in the first place: "Either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he's going to look at you."


This statement, and the entire situation, overwhelms me with sadness for a couple reasons.

Firstly, no girl should feel compelled to send nude pictures in an effort to keep her guy from looking at porn. Stepping away from Jennifer Lawrence and her ex Nicholos Hoult, and just speaking as an average guy who grew up "looking at porn", I've experienced the dehumanising and desensitising effects today's unlimited supply of porn can have on a person, and I've seen the heartache and insecurity it can bring a partner who is with a guy that needs porn to get off. I was one of those guys.

I was one of those guys who ? even in a loving relationship ? would turn to porn, and I've hurt some genuinely nice women in my life because of it. I can only see this clearly now that I've given up porn and regained my ability to "feel" emotionally and physically again. The problem is that guys today have subconsciously and unintentionally elevated images of women we've never met above the actual women who love and care about us. We defend our use of porn as if it's a necessity, when in reality a young, healthy man should be able to masturbate without the help of porn.

"No amount of pixels can ever love you back"

Women around the world, please understand this: if you try to "compete" with porn, you will lose every time, no matter how bootylicious and sexy you are. Most people don't realise this, but porn hooks in guys because it offers novelty, shock, and surprise ? all of which increase a chemical in the brain behind arousal called dopamine. Most guys do not simply watch porn for the actresses' attractiveness. Internet porn provides an unlimited amount of artificial stimulation that no one can, or should have to, compete with.

Secondly, when the leak first happened, guys across the internet shouted for joy while dropping their pants and used stolen, intimate pictures meant for someone else as a means to their own ends. Understandably upset about the incident, Jennifer said, "Anybody who looked at those pictures, you're perpetuating a sexual offence. You should cower with shame. Even people who I know and love say, 'Oh, yeah, I looked at the pictures.' I don't want to get mad, but at the same time I'm thinking, I didn't tell you that you could look at my naked body."

Some of the same people, who demand privacy on the internet, applaud a guy who invades people's privacy and leaks personal photos of them all over the internet. My message to these guys: Pull your pants up from your ankles, and quit jackin' off to porn. Then maybe girls won't feel the need to take nude pics in the first place. The pleasure porn offers cannot compare to the pleasure and love that a real flesh n' blood woman can give you. I can promise you no amount of pixels can ever love you back.

Women: if the reason you're sending your significant other a sexy picture is to keep them away from porn, don't.

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/reports/news/a30287/an-ex-porn-addicts-message-to-jennifer-lawrence/
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EDIT: Below is a clarification on why I used the phrase "If you try and compete with porn, you will lose everytime." My point was you don't fight fire with fire, and you shouldn't fight pixels with pixels.


@ Gracie

If I were young and reading cosmo, I would think there was no hope based on this title.

I'm very sorry you feel that way Gracie, but I think you are misunderstanding the statement. It was meant for the lady who tries to "up her sexiness" game and sends naked pictures to a guy who watches porn. It was not aimed at partners who are not trying to "compete" with porn.

The whole post was aimed at JLaw's comment that implied she sent the pics to keep her boyfriend from looking at porn. That's it. I'm saying that a women shouldn't have to, and simply can't, win a pleasure battle with porn. I hoped it would be enlightening and not discouraging so I'm sorry for that, but I don't know how else to say it.

She sent images of her, a single person, in an effort to compete with an unlimited supply of images on the internet. The statement was about sending nude pics. Not the possibility of getting a porn user to realize their partner is better. That is why I said men have "unintentionally and subconsciously" elevated images above real women. We're blind to it until it clicks in our brains, and even after it clicks we have brain changes to deal with.

And if you go onto the web and type in guy, husband, boyfriend watching porn you get mostly, "Honey just deal with it, all men do it." articles and links.

My intent was to help women "understand it," and by no means tell them to deal with it. In fact, I told guys to stop jacking off to porn and said that no amount of pixels can ever give them the love they want deep inside. The article addressed both groups, told the men that it can desensitize them and dehumanize their partners, and that only after giving up porn I was able to feel again.

Then the message to women was don't try and compete with porn. I guess I didn't do a good enough job on explaining what I meant by "compete."

Of course women can win back a relationship over porn. But my point was this will not happen by winning the dopamine battle. In many cases it will happen by education, a changed heart, or a realization from the partner that porn is harmful to both parties in a relationship.

I'd never tell a women to "deal with it." But if a partner shows any desire to change or quite, a woman can help with it, and voice that she won't compete with it.

The only advice we get is "Please understand it is about the dopamine high"  Okie dokie.  How do we deal with our recovery?  What do we do with our pain?

I wish I had all the advice partners need. But I don't. I believe no one does or it would already be out there for the reading. However, there is advice like these two articles:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/dating-a-heavy-porn-user

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/boyfriend-quitting-porn-5-tips

Being here is a great start, where you can journal to share your feelings and stuff you need to let out, and know that you are not alone. You can learn how this addiction works, what your partner needs to do to recover, get prepared for what recovery looks like. Also, I've said that a guys porn problem is usually not about attraction.

I have the deepest sympathy for partners of porn users. And I've seen the pain it causes personally. I wish I was more able to help give partners a road map to recovery, but I can't. I just know time heals, and I hope and pray that the porn users who are hurting their partners realize this and also realize that they are chasing something that will never compare to the love a real person can give.

I hope you see what I mean by "can't win" better now. I also hope the best for you and apologize for any frustration my post caused you. But I still stand by what I said, and I encourage women to understand that they shouldn't compete with porn (speaking in terms of dopamine), and raise the bar of what they expect out of their man, and be very vocal and clear about it. At the same time encouraging guys to pursue a real women who can actually love them back and give them the joy their heart desires.

Much love

 

[CrazyGopher]

"If you try to compete with porn, you will lose every time,"

A truth that will surely benefit many women, if they can understand it and internalize it.

Thanks for your hard work, Gabe.

 

[thimbuk2]

Well done Gabe! It was interesting for me this week, as I heard about the following statement she made below,

Understandably upset about the incident, Jennifer said, "Anybody who looked at those pictures, you're perpetuating a sexual offence. You should cower with shame. Even people who I know and love say, 'Oh, yeah, I looked at the pictures.' I don't want to get mad, but at the same time I'm thinking, I didn't tell you that you could look at my naked body."

I found myself being grateful that I had no desire to attempt to search for those images. I honestly felt bad for her dilemma, and the situation she placed herself in.

"Either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he's going to look at you."

Like you said, there is no way she was ever going to compete with porn. As a result, she compromised herself in the process.

 

[Gracie]

I think maybe this is a rather harsh title.  If I were young and reading cosmo, I would think there was no hope based on this title.  For women, PA feels like we are fighting "the other woman" only she isn't real.  As a result, we feel very unbalanced.  The PA cannot explain it.  And if you go onto the web and type in guy, husband, boyfriend watching porn you get mostly, "Honey just deal with it, all men do it." articles and links. 

There is stuff that tells men how to overcome, but not much for women to help them get through.  The alienation they feel in the process is evident in the blogs and forums.  There are very few that can stick in here and bare their soul talking about how this affects us.  We are told to be supportive and some of us are.  Obviously, for some the marriage has tanked anyway, and for others there are numerous relapses.  So here we are with all these jumbled thoughts in our head and we feel like we are hacking through a jungle. 

We are dealing with our feelings and our husband's feelings  and other than be supportive, we have no other advice.  Men don't like us snooping but we need to feel secure. We need to know.  Our trust was betrayed.  Our forever love could not talk to us.  We turn into something that sometimes we don't even recognize in trying to deal with secrets we had no idea existed.  When you put that together with the way the relationship change emotionally and physically over time, we feel tricked.

So please someone come up with a manual for us.  So we can deal with our place in this recovery.  Not just understanding you.  But healing us.  If JenLaw took pictures to show she was hot to a porn watching boyfriend, I totally understand.  The only advice we get is "Please understand it is about the dopamine high"  Okie dokie.  How do we deal with our recovery?  What do we do with our pain? 

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Gracie

If I were young and reading cosmo, I would think there was no hope based on this title.

I'm very sorry you feel that way Gracie, but I think you are misunderstanding the statement. It was meant for the lady who tries to "up her sexiness" game and sends naked pictures to a guy who watches porn. It was not aimed at partners who are not trying to "compete" with porn.

The whole post was aimed at JLaw's comment that implied she sent the pics to keep her boyfriend from looking at porn. That's it. I'm saying that a women shouldn't have to, and simply can't, win a pleasure battle with porn. I hoped it would be enlightening and not discouraging so I'm sorry for that, but I don't know how else to say it.

She sent images of her, a single person, in an effort to compete with an unlimited supply of images on the internet. The statement was about sending nude pics. Not the possibility of getting a porn user to realize their partner is better. That is why I said men have "unintentionally and subconsciously" elevated images above real women. We're blind to it until it clicks in our brains, and even after it clicks we have brain changes to deal with.

And if you go onto the web and type in guy, husband, boyfriend watching porn you get mostly, "Honey just deal with it, all men do it." articles and links.

My intent was to help women "understand it," and by no means tell them to deal with it. In fact, I told guys to stop jacking off to porn and said that no amount of pixels can ever give them the love they want deep inside. The article addressed both groups, told the men that it can desensitize them and dehumanize their partners, and that only after giving up porn I was able to feel again.

Then the message to women was don't try and compete with porn. I guess I didn't do a good enough job on explaining what I meant by "compete."

Of course women can win back a relationship over porn. But my point was this will not happen by winning the dopamine battle. In many cases it will happen by education, a changed heart, or a realization from the partner that porn is harmful to both parties in a relationship.

I'd never tell a women to "deal with it." But if a partner shows any desire to change or quite, a woman can help with it, and voice that she won't compete with it.

The only advice we get is "Please understand it is about the dopamine high"  Okie dokie.  How do we deal with our recovery?  What do we do with our pain?

I wish I had all the advice partners need. But I don't. I believe no one does or it would already be out there for the reading. However, there is advice like these two articles:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/dating-a-heavy-porn-user

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/boyfriend-quitting-porn-5-tips

Being here is a great start, where you can journal to share your feelings and stuff you need to let out, and know that you are not alone. You can learn how this addiction works, what your partner needs to do to recover, get prepared for what recovery looks like. Also, I've said that a guys porn problem is usually not about attraction.

I have the deepest sympathy for partners of porn users. And I've seen the pain it causes personally. I wish I was more able to help give partners a road map to recovery, but I can't. I just know time heals, and I hope and pray that the porn users who are hurting their partners realize this and also realize that they are chasing something that will never compare to the love a real person can give.

I hope you see what I mean by "can't win" better now. I also hope the best for you and apologize for any frustration my post caused you. But I still stand by what I said, and I encourage women to understand that they shouldn't compete with porn (speaking in terms of dopamine), and raise the bar of what they expect out of their man, and be very vocal and clear about it. At the same time encouraging guys to pursue a real women who can actually love them back and give them the joy their heart desires.

Much love

 

[Gracie]

Thanks Gabe for clearing up the compete word in the title.  I do get that now. 

Unfortunately, when men use porn, there partner is second.  They have turned away.  And watched women, men, goats, horses, women all have sex.  For us the sex is an emotional connection and it should be for men too.  It is the love glue.  So if they are seeking sexual satisfaction in other ways, the love is not there.  This can make a partner feel desparation they have never felt before.  It makes them feel tricked.  If the porn involved normal looking women I do not think it would affect us so much.  I do not think men would look at so much porn if the women were not young and enhanced and made up etc. 

This addiction attacks all that we, as women have been taught about love, relationships and caring for one another. And yet the  answer we get is it is nature.  It is the visual.  It is about ED.  As I have said before, most men decide to stop because of ED.  Not due to their view of porn changing.  Not because they realize they have harmed the relationship.  Because they can't have sex except with their hand.  So sad.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I think maybe this is a rather harsh title.  If I were young and reading cosmo, I would think there was no hope based on this title.  For women, PA feels like we are fighting "the other woman" only she isn't real.  As a result, we feel very unbalanced.  The PA cannot explain it.  And if you go onto the web and type in guy, husband, boyfriend watching porn you get mostly, "Honey just deal with it, all men do it." articles and links. 

There is stuff that tells men how to overcome, but not much for women to help them get through.  The alienation they feel in the process is evident in the blogs and forums.  There are very few that can stick in here and bare their soul talking about how this affects us.  We are told to be supportive and some of us are.  Obviously, for some the marriage has tanked anyway, and for others there are numerous relapses.  So here we are with all these jumbled thoughts in our head and we feel like we are hacking through a jungle. 

We are dealing with our feelings and our husband's feelings  and other than be supportive, we have no other advice.  Men don't like us snooping but we need to feel secure. We need to know.  Our trust was betrayed.  Our forever love could not talk to us. We turn into something that sometimes we don't even recognize in trying to deal with secrets we had no idea existed.  When you put that together with the way the relationship change emotionally and physically over time, we feel tricked.

So please someone come up with a manual for us. So we can deal with our place in this recovery.  Not just understanding you.  But healing us.  If JenLaw took pictures to show she was hot to a porn watching boyfriend, I totally understand.  The only advice we get is "Please understand it is about the dopamine high"  Okie dokie.  How do we deal with our recovery?  What do we do with our pain?

I have been having the same thoughts. I sometimes question advice as coming from an addicted brain to begin with when answers are given for SO's questions.

The codependency model is popular to describe an SO. Accepting that means shouldering part of the the blame for continuing addiction on the SO's actions. I've read articles where codependency is rejected for a post traumatic stress model to describe SO's pain, because the label codependent is mean and degrading. (as if being rejected for images isn't?) There are bonding/attachment models used to describe and study, like in the article Gracie mentioned in another thread. Lots of hat to pass around, but as Gracie points out - no cattle.

There is no correct answer, except stay away from the porn!