Why can't I convince myself I am an addict?

[Xavier]

Is this a common sign of addiction? Is the addict in me torturing me? Let me explain. I am 51 days into a reboot as of now.

Before I started rebooting, I was watching pornography and masturbating more or less every day. My tastes were escalating quite alarmingly; sometimes I was wondering if I was turning bisexual. Men were starting to arouse me similar to women. I never reached the likes of shemale porn, but still watched some pretty bad stuff. I could usually only achieve an erection watching hardcore pornography and it was a struggle to maintain. Multiple tabs open at once to keep myself entertained as best I could. Browsing between videos I would often lose my erection and had to masturbate to bring it back. Even with hardcore pornography my erection would sometimes just disappear. Hell, sometimes I even masturbated when I wasn't aroused AT ALL; I'd look at sexual imagery, and think "might as well do it" and really struggle to maintain erection and orgasm. I was PMOing in some cases because it was just routine, I didn't necessarily want to. I was socially anxious and had little confidence in myself. I enjoyed seeing people humiliated and put down just for a cheap, dirty and disgusting thrill.

I couldn't paint a more clear picture of porn addiction, right? So why is there this voice in my head telling me I wasn't addicted at all and I am just torturing myself for no reason? I've felt awful withdrawals so far but things are picking up. My mind is telling me these aren't withdrawals, but instead I'm just cracking up and slowly going insane. I keep telling myself I am an addict in withdrawal and I will not listen or relapse whatever happens, but it's intense when your own brain acts against you! 

So my question is: is addiction denial a common symptom? And how can I convince myself this is a necessary process and that it is the only way forward for me?

 

[Innocence]

I would personally trying to read some success story's how people got better and how it changed their lifes.
Maybe you'll realize you could be like that too if you could just over come this.

 

[William]

Hi Xavier.  I can tell you that before I accepted "I am addicted" as who I was I struggled much harder with quitting.  Those three words just made it easier to do; suddenly I had a problem that was defined, and every problem has a solution.  I think to convince yourself this is the way just look at how you describe yourself before, constant PMO, multiple tabs open, erectile dysfunction, viewing porn that is 180 degrees the opposite of who you actually see yourself as being.  I can tell from your post you don't like that guy, the guy you used to be.  I know this process is torture, you sound like you have had withdrawals as bad as mine and they were bad, but if you can keep going you will hit the tipping point, the point where you don't want to look at porn more than you do, and then it gets much easier.  A lot of guys say the 90 day hard mode is the gold standard for quitting.  You are more than half way there.  Avoid porn during the reboot, avoid hypersexual thoughts, avoid triggering a dopamine rush.  Impossible to totally eliminate, I know, but still strive for that level of mental control.  I will be interested in seeing how you are dealing with things on day 90.  I have absolute confidence you can do this.

Peace. 

 

[Xavier]

Thanks Innocence, I do regularly read success stories to keep me on track and remind me there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Hi William and thanks for the reply. You're right I disliked that person. Sometimes after masturbating I'd think "I wish I could do without this in my life." Just to seem like a more normal, less seedy and depraved person, you know? As for withdrawals, I've never felt anything like it. Depression hit me like a freight train despite being a very happy person prior to abstaining. Life didn't seem worth living for weeks. My diet was completely shot and I struggled to eat, sometimes forcing food down to keep myself fed. Exhaustion, lack of motivation or desire for anything... the list goes on. I won't listen to the voice inside and I won't let it slow my progress!

 

[Mbg]

For me, simply logging into this forum was not enough to convince myself that I was an addict.  I strongly feel that utilizing multiple programs is the best method for coming to grips with addiction.  I started solely on this forum.  I now go to a counselor, take anti-depressants, and have joined a Sex Addicts Anonymous group.  Sitting in a room face to face with other addicts sharing my story truly defines the power of my addiction.  At this point, I'm through trying to convince myself that I'm just a normal guy.  A normal person wouldn't consider abstinence torture.  I encourage you to seek out alternative outlets that handle addiction, if you haven't already.