journal time...
- Thread starter dhira
- Start date
Feel fine today.
Im working on watchfulness of the mind, not letting any thought of porn even knock on the door. I was reading that its a technique monks use to guard the mind from lust and other disturbances. To get 'real' watchfulness is quite an achievement it seems. I?m only mucking around with it but its helping a lot so far.
Im working on watchfulness of the mind, not letting any thought of porn even knock on the door. I was reading that its a technique monks use to guard the mind from lust and other disturbances. To get 'real' watchfulness is quite an achievement it seems. I?m only mucking around with it but its helping a lot so far.
I dont want porn in my life full stop. At least thats what I feel like today.
Im finding it powerful to just press the fast forward button and 'play the thing out' How does it end when I let porn in? How am I gonna feel? What about all the important things in my life I am trying to achieve? If when I get tempted or triggered to look at porn I immediately make my mind reflect on this, I realise pretty quick that looking at porn is the same as getting mugged, humiliating and takes time to get over. If I saw a mugger coming my way I would do something about it, not just let it happen. Its the same scenario with mr porn. There are always warning signs, I just have to have the presence of mind to notice the subtle changes that precede a relapse and take necessary measures. That?s why Im writing this now. I was just tempted by an online image and for a few minutes I was going 'SHIT.....NO......OH F%?K......NOT THIS SHIT......ETC ETC. But I didn?t panic (which I think I usually do which always kills the ability to think rationally.) I just thought WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? And I went straight on the forum and read success stories and It put me right back on track. Other rebooters who have taken the time and effort to share their experience and conviction, I salute you!!! And now having tried to share my experience here at 'porn urge escape and evasion tactics' I feel way way way better. The act of giving is powerful against this addiction because I find It hard to comprehend a more self centred state than being lost in porn session. Any way enough said, I hope this will help someone.
Im finding it powerful to just press the fast forward button and 'play the thing out' How does it end when I let porn in? How am I gonna feel? What about all the important things in my life I am trying to achieve? If when I get tempted or triggered to look at porn I immediately make my mind reflect on this, I realise pretty quick that looking at porn is the same as getting mugged, humiliating and takes time to get over. If I saw a mugger coming my way I would do something about it, not just let it happen. Its the same scenario with mr porn. There are always warning signs, I just have to have the presence of mind to notice the subtle changes that precede a relapse and take necessary measures. That?s why Im writing this now. I was just tempted by an online image and for a few minutes I was going 'SHIT.....NO......OH F%?K......NOT THIS SHIT......ETC ETC. But I didn?t panic (which I think I usually do which always kills the ability to think rationally.) I just thought WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? And I went straight on the forum and read success stories and It put me right back on track. Other rebooters who have taken the time and effort to share their experience and conviction, I salute you!!! And now having tried to share my experience here at 'porn urge escape and evasion tactics' I feel way way way better. The act of giving is powerful against this addiction because I find It hard to comprehend a more self centred state than being lost in porn session. Any way enough said, I hope this will help someone.
Day 13
Its been a busy day which is good. A few images came to mind but they were gone in ? of a second. my mind seems to snap shut on them like a croc and spit them out. But how long will it last? I have wanted to give up porn for about 18 years since I took up a spiritual path. I have had periods of success but have always gone back to it in the end. I know Im in the danger zone now. So many times I was porn free for a couple of weeks and bang!...relapse. But where there's a will there's a way. Going from black to white means going through the 'grey area' just got to keep pumping and believe in my ideal. Worst thing would be to lose the faith. People do grow and experience lasting change, why not me? If I slip a thousand times I will get up a thousand times.
Its been a busy day which is good. A few images came to mind but they were gone in ? of a second. my mind seems to snap shut on them like a croc and spit them out. But how long will it last? I have wanted to give up porn for about 18 years since I took up a spiritual path. I have had periods of success but have always gone back to it in the end. I know Im in the danger zone now. So many times I was porn free for a couple of weeks and bang!...relapse. But where there's a will there's a way. Going from black to white means going through the 'grey area' just got to keep pumping and believe in my ideal. Worst thing would be to lose the faith. People do grow and experience lasting change, why not me? If I slip a thousand times I will get up a thousand times.
vispren
Active Member
dhira said:
That's the spirit. Get angry. It helped me pull through some critical moments.
Relapse is a something we do. It's not the addiction's fault. It's our own. There is no magical force getting us off our ass and forcing us to jerk off in the bathroom or wherever. It's you. We have all the power we need to stop ourselves and just say no. There is no enemy. There is no one to fight.
It just you. You can do this.
Thanks you guys !!!!!
I have been getting the feeling that I need to be on the offensive with this addiction. I cant sit back and hope this reboot will just happen, if I'm second guessing myself I'm not trying hard enough. Second guessing myself means I'm not putting in enough effort to stay in a 'safe interior environment' One where Im not white knuckling it to not look at porn. I cant white nuckle personally.
Today I have been looking for ways to do useful stuff as a way to produce a content frame of mind. And if it helps someone else in the process it seems to have double the power. When I'm on a porn binge I just get lost in myself and become moody and very lazy. Im not much fun to be around. People complain at me because I'm not pulling my weight at work or whatever. Then I feel shit so I go and look at porn to feel better, thats my cycle, how crap... So I'm looking for all those silly little jobs that everyone?s been putting off for ages. And it feels good to just do them, I feel safe from the porn monster when I act like this, and I get the sunny side of the people around me which is great. I heard a quote that said 'happiness is to make others happy'. I just dont want to sit around worrying 'will I have a relapse?' So Im gonna get off my butt and make sure I dont!
Think nice and mean
!!!!!I have been getting the feeling that I need to be on the offensive with this addiction. I cant sit back and hope this reboot will just happen, if I'm second guessing myself I'm not trying hard enough. Second guessing myself means I'm not putting in enough effort to stay in a 'safe interior environment' One where Im not white knuckling it to not look at porn. I cant white nuckle personally.
Today I have been looking for ways to do useful stuff as a way to produce a content frame of mind. And if it helps someone else in the process it seems to have double the power. When I'm on a porn binge I just get lost in myself and become moody and very lazy. Im not much fun to be around. People complain at me because I'm not pulling my weight at work or whatever. Then I feel shit so I go and look at porn to feel better, thats my cycle, how crap... So I'm looking for all those silly little jobs that everyone?s been putting off for ages. And it feels good to just do them, I feel safe from the porn monster when I act like this, and I get the sunny side of the people around me which is great. I heard a quote that said 'happiness is to make others happy'. I just dont want to sit around worrying 'will I have a relapse?' So Im gonna get off my butt and make sure I dont!
Think nice and mean
Thanks Therewolf!
Much the same today. Keeping extra busy and feeling good.
One thing that has caused me to turn to a porn sessions in the past is dealing with people who piss me off. I really struggle with this and I can get really 'in my head' and resentful at some people. It goes round and round and I find myself arguing with them in my head! Sad I know. But it is something I am not good at resolving and I have a few difficult people in my life at the moment. I want to learn how to deal with this.
Much the same today. Keeping extra busy and feeling good.
One thing that has caused me to turn to a porn sessions in the past is dealing with people who piss me off. I really struggle with this and I can get really 'in my head' and resentful at some people. It goes round and round and I find myself arguing with them in my head! Sad I know. But it is something I am not good at resolving and I have a few difficult people in my life at the moment. I want to learn how to deal with this.
Day 16
Mega busy today. Took a friend to the airport, then loads to do in town and more stuff when I got home. Very tired but feeling safe. Didn't get a chance to really eat much, I think it helps to curb the urge for PMO in me. I live and work out in the wild so I don't see civilization that often so today was a bit of a test seeing loads of women, I was a bit worried it might set me off into PMO but I think I'm ok, I will just stare at the ground next time I go. One change I have noticed is that I seem to get a healthy anger towards intrusive thoughts, I know what they do to my life, they are not my friends anymore.
Mega busy today. Took a friend to the airport, then loads to do in town and more stuff when I got home. Very tired but feeling safe. Didn't get a chance to really eat much, I think it helps to curb the urge for PMO in me. I live and work out in the wild so I don't see civilization that often so today was a bit of a test seeing loads of women, I was a bit worried it might set me off into PMO but I think I'm ok, I will just stare at the ground next time I go. One change I have noticed is that I seem to get a healthy anger towards intrusive thoughts, I know what they do to my life, they are not my friends anymore
.TodayIsTheDay
Member
Hey dhira,
I read your thread just now and as a fellow yogi/meditator I wanted to tell you you're doing a good thing by tackling this. I'm new here so I don't have a ton of experience or wisdom to offer, but I'm also striving for mastery of Self and realize how damaging this PMO habit has been toward achieving that goal. I dont know how consistent you are in your practice, but I'm certain that will be our source of strength through this dark period.
There was a time when I meditated twice daily without fail, but sadly PMO became the priority and the spiritual discipline fell to the wayside. A few months ago I attended a week long retreat at an ashram in SoCal. I was in the perfect environment for peace. No talking, beautiful grounds to relax in, and the support of a spiritual community, but i still snuck away at regular intervals to PMO in my room. Ugh, I can't believe I did that. I should have left the smartphone at home. Shameful.
Anyway, one of the first changes I'm making as part of my recovery is to become regular in my spiritual practice again. I know you have the strength in you to beat this. Weak willed people are rarely drawn to the yogic path, and it sounds like that is a major part of your life, so i know there's a fire burning in you to beat this.
I read your thread just now and as a fellow yogi/meditator I wanted to tell you you're doing a good thing by tackling this. I'm new here so I don't have a ton of experience or wisdom to offer, but I'm also striving for mastery of Self and realize how damaging this PMO habit has been toward achieving that goal. I dont know how consistent you are in your practice, but I'm certain that will be our source of strength through this dark period.
There was a time when I meditated twice daily without fail, but sadly PMO became the priority and the spiritual discipline fell to the wayside. A few months ago I attended a week long retreat at an ashram in SoCal. I was in the perfect environment for peace. No talking, beautiful grounds to relax in, and the support of a spiritual community, but i still snuck away at regular intervals to PMO in my room. Ugh, I can't believe I did that. I should have left the smartphone at home. Shameful.
Anyway, one of the first changes I'm making as part of my recovery is to become regular in my spiritual practice again. I know you have the strength in you to beat this. Weak willed people are rarely drawn to the yogic path, and it sounds like that is a major part of your life, so i know there's a fire burning in you to beat this.
Cheers Therewolf! much appreciated, its very encouraging for me. Hope your well.
I remember when I was going to 12 step groups. Both times I was relapsing a number of times for the first 3 months. It was tough going in there after a fall but I managed to keep at it and I remember I hit this point where I seemed to stop fighting the addiction. I was just focusing on positive things and being busy enough that I just wasn't sitting around getting worried about relapse anymore, it just slipped away. Things like gratitude and connecting alot with other people were very powerful.
I know I could relapse any moment. But virtue does overcome vice as I experienced. Im trying to recreate those days and get back into that headspace. I'm Starting to notice the beauty in life and the world around me and can see that I have much to be grateful for.
I remember when I was going to 12 step groups. Both times I was relapsing a number of times for the first 3 months. It was tough going in there after a fall but I managed to keep at it and I remember I hit this point where I seemed to stop fighting the addiction. I was just focusing on positive things and being busy enough that I just wasn't sitting around getting worried about relapse anymore, it just slipped away. Things like gratitude and connecting alot with other people were very powerful.
I know I could relapse any moment. But virtue does overcome vice as I experienced. Im trying to recreate those days and get back into that headspace. I'm Starting to notice the beauty in life and the world around me and can see that I have much to be grateful for.
Porn is a bad investment. I put so much time and energy into it over the years, Im thinking what I could have done with all the energy and time I wasted . I have been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. And I thought I was clever!
Today has been good. 3 hours of major weeding in the garden this morning. Still no PMO urges to deal with. Just keeping my self occupied. Don't want to sit around and think to much, just do....
. I have been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. And I thought I was clever! Today has been good. 3 hours of major weeding in the garden this morning. Still no PMO urges to deal with. Just keeping my self occupied. Don't want to sit around and think to much, just do....
TodayIsTheDay
Member
You're going strong. Looks like you're about to hit 3 weeks straight. Nicely done. I need to follow your example and stay occupied.
Thanks. I got to stay busy or I'm a goner!
Started drinking green smoothies for breakfast, pretty bloody good But I have just gone and stuffed myself with sugar! I normally dont really eat much at all in the evenings, dont know what got into me . Maybe the old dopamine gave up trying porn and has moved to sugar...Cunning bastard...Let's see how he likes the cabbage juice in the morning.
Good day, porn free. Grateful.
Started drinking green smoothies for breakfast, pretty bloody good
But I have just gone and stuffed myself with sugar! I normally dont really eat much at all in the evenings, dont know what got into me . Maybe the old dopamine gave up trying porn and has moved to sugar...Cunning bastard...Let's see how he likes the cabbage juice in the morning.Good day, porn free. Grateful.