* I just read myself and saw I have written much more than what I originally intended to -- The main topic is below the line *
Hello everyone,
I don?t really want to start a journal because I couldn?t regularly update it. As you all know, porn addiction is not a topic you can easily approach with your buddies or loved ones so, if posting this can help me in my reboot, it?ll all be worth it in the end.
Some background first : I?m 29 and will be turning 30 next Summer. I?m currently single and have been for years ( 2/3 of it is voluntary, 1/3 is total lack of confidence ). My situation is steady : I have a good, but not great, job as an accountant, I?m not in debt, I live a ?normal? life and, if you would ask others, I?d be the last guy who would have a porn addiction or sexual / emotional problems.
I pretty much masturbated all my life. Even before I could have erections. I had my first computer when I was 15 and, needless to say, looking at porn was the first thing I did when I had the computer all by myself. When I left to live on my own, the floodgates were to be open and I wouldn?t have to constantly look over my shoulders anymore. Masturbating in front of the computer became a normal part of my daily routine as much as doing my business on the toilet.
I hadn?t had a problem with porn until last year, where I became aware of porn on social media. I have zero knowledge of social media ( I?m not even on Facebook ) and I was shocked/excited at the time on how easy you could find different styles of porn, ranging from the "normal" kind to the dirt-worst. My porn addiction has escalated to the point it was "real girls" on social media or nothing. Only after a few sessions, I felt a new sensation : it was the first time I ever felt guilty / shamed about masturbating to porn.
I told myself I had to stop doing this. I tried many ways to keep myself out of it : blocked porn sites on my router ( easily could unblock them ), put a known password on my router ( are you kidding ? Easily removed ), put an unknown password ( helloooo reset button ! ), superglued the hole of the reset button on the router ( can be pierced through with a little bit of work ) installed programs like "Self Control" with only blocking porn sites at first and added conventional sites like Google and the likes to "penalize" myself so that it would block sites I liked on top of porn sites. ? It works, but it?s useless unless I have the balls to activate the program.
My porn problem escalated over the year and became unbearable over the summer. Since August, I have been taken part in far too many "marathon sessions" where I was a complete drone in front of the computer. I had sessions I didn?t knew could last this long : 3-4-5-6 hours, whether it was during the day on the weekend ( therefore wasting them ) or evenings that ended at like 2, 3 or 4 AM, where I had to get up to work a few hours later. I never felt so pathetic in all of my life. It got to the point where it was not even "real" jacking off sessions, it was barely moving up and down on my limp dick. No wonder it lasted for hours without me getting hard : what I saw wasn?t exciting in the first place. I had the "Self Control" button which could end all of this but was too much of a drone ( or a pussy ) to click on it and freeing myself.
I hit rock bottom three weeks ago. It was the day after that I realized that my porn problem wasn?t a "I?m a horny sumbitch" type of addiction, it was a "your brain on porn/drug" addiction -- and I had to stop, this time for good.
Over the last year, I always said to myself I had to stop but I always relapsed, not being able to go porn-free more than two weeks. However, this time, I had a self-imposed "come-to-Jesus" meeting with myself : I?ll be turning 30 next year and I?ve been fapping to porn for half of my life -- do I really want to keep doing this ? Did I wasted my twenties ? ( a part of it for sure ) I always thought you had to be "settled" by the time you turn 30 : wife, kids, house, pool, dog and all that stuff -- I have none of this. Wasting time and brain cells in front of porn wouldn?t help one bit.
So the day after Rock Bottom, I decided to cut off porn cold-turkey. I deleted all the porn I had on my USB stick, which I kept in cases of ?emergency? which would keep me away from the internet ( I only made the collection bigger and bigger ) -- not only did I deleted all of its content, I smashed it to pieces with a hammer afterwards. I put a unknown password on my router blocking all the porn sites I knew of ( the password is somewhere in my office at work, in case I have a legit, real problem with my router ) and I superglued the reset button so hard that trying to pierce through will damage the router permanently. I?m using "Self Control" every time I even remotely entertain the idea of looking at porn. I know that all porn sites are blocked anyway by my router, but I?m conditioning my brain to the idea of using the app.
----------------------------------------------------
It will be three weeks tomorrow that I stopped cold turkey, so far I feel pretty fine. I think the longest time I went without porn was about 40-something days two years ago. I?m determined this time to cut off porn for good.
I masturbated two or three times during these three weeks but it wasn?t to porn, so I don?t really mind. "Masturbating" isn?t my problem, "fapping to porn" is. I don?t think I have porn-induced ED but keeping fapping to porn could definitely make this a problem over time. The very idea of porn-induced ED in my thirties is something that terrifies me and "rebooting" and cutting off porn can only be beneficial.
Yesterday, and this is the whole reason why I?m writing this, I almost had a relapse. I walked the line but didn?t cross it (barely) -- I didn?t fapped but I wanted to. My brain was on a high ( just like a drug addict ) but I was able to calm myself down and not piss away the effort made so far. I had one hell of a headache afterwards but was able to prevent the worst.
Now today I?m OK. However, in the past few days I?m thinking more and more about porn than in the first few weeks. I?m seeing it as a marathon : the first 5-10 KM are fine but I feel like in I?m the stage of "you?re now in it and there?s no going back unless you quit, so keep it going even if it?s going to suck"
I?ve made the effort of taking the first step and, for cutting everything off cold turkey, it went way better than I imagined. However now, after three weeks, it begins to annoy me for the first time. I don?t want to relapse, I know it will only make me feel like shit and nothing good will come out of it. However, just like any addiction, the fight is mostly mental and old habits are hard to get rid of. How are you dealing with this "second stage" of rebooting ?
I have plenty of activities and occupations to keep me away of thinking about porn but, since the past couple of days, it?s been harder to do so. For those who?ve been porn-free for a considerable amount of time, how did you manage to get over this "second stage" ?
Hello everyone,
I don?t really want to start a journal because I couldn?t regularly update it. As you all know, porn addiction is not a topic you can easily approach with your buddies or loved ones so, if posting this can help me in my reboot, it?ll all be worth it in the end.
Some background first : I?m 29 and will be turning 30 next Summer. I?m currently single and have been for years ( 2/3 of it is voluntary, 1/3 is total lack of confidence ). My situation is steady : I have a good, but not great, job as an accountant, I?m not in debt, I live a ?normal? life and, if you would ask others, I?d be the last guy who would have a porn addiction or sexual / emotional problems.
I pretty much masturbated all my life. Even before I could have erections. I had my first computer when I was 15 and, needless to say, looking at porn was the first thing I did when I had the computer all by myself. When I left to live on my own, the floodgates were to be open and I wouldn?t have to constantly look over my shoulders anymore. Masturbating in front of the computer became a normal part of my daily routine as much as doing my business on the toilet.
I hadn?t had a problem with porn until last year, where I became aware of porn on social media. I have zero knowledge of social media ( I?m not even on Facebook ) and I was shocked/excited at the time on how easy you could find different styles of porn, ranging from the "normal" kind to the dirt-worst. My porn addiction has escalated to the point it was "real girls" on social media or nothing. Only after a few sessions, I felt a new sensation : it was the first time I ever felt guilty / shamed about masturbating to porn.
I told myself I had to stop doing this. I tried many ways to keep myself out of it : blocked porn sites on my router ( easily could unblock them ), put a known password on my router ( are you kidding ? Easily removed ), put an unknown password ( helloooo reset button ! ), superglued the hole of the reset button on the router ( can be pierced through with a little bit of work ) installed programs like "Self Control" with only blocking porn sites at first and added conventional sites like Google and the likes to "penalize" myself so that it would block sites I liked on top of porn sites. ? It works, but it?s useless unless I have the balls to activate the program.
My porn problem escalated over the year and became unbearable over the summer. Since August, I have been taken part in far too many "marathon sessions" where I was a complete drone in front of the computer. I had sessions I didn?t knew could last this long : 3-4-5-6 hours, whether it was during the day on the weekend ( therefore wasting them ) or evenings that ended at like 2, 3 or 4 AM, where I had to get up to work a few hours later. I never felt so pathetic in all of my life. It got to the point where it was not even "real" jacking off sessions, it was barely moving up and down on my limp dick. No wonder it lasted for hours without me getting hard : what I saw wasn?t exciting in the first place. I had the "Self Control" button which could end all of this but was too much of a drone ( or a pussy ) to click on it and freeing myself.
I hit rock bottom three weeks ago. It was the day after that I realized that my porn problem wasn?t a "I?m a horny sumbitch" type of addiction, it was a "your brain on porn/drug" addiction -- and I had to stop, this time for good.
Over the last year, I always said to myself I had to stop but I always relapsed, not being able to go porn-free more than two weeks. However, this time, I had a self-imposed "come-to-Jesus" meeting with myself : I?ll be turning 30 next year and I?ve been fapping to porn for half of my life -- do I really want to keep doing this ? Did I wasted my twenties ? ( a part of it for sure ) I always thought you had to be "settled" by the time you turn 30 : wife, kids, house, pool, dog and all that stuff -- I have none of this. Wasting time and brain cells in front of porn wouldn?t help one bit.
So the day after Rock Bottom, I decided to cut off porn cold-turkey. I deleted all the porn I had on my USB stick, which I kept in cases of ?emergency? which would keep me away from the internet ( I only made the collection bigger and bigger ) -- not only did I deleted all of its content, I smashed it to pieces with a hammer afterwards. I put a unknown password on my router blocking all the porn sites I knew of ( the password is somewhere in my office at work, in case I have a legit, real problem with my router ) and I superglued the reset button so hard that trying to pierce through will damage the router permanently. I?m using "Self Control" every time I even remotely entertain the idea of looking at porn. I know that all porn sites are blocked anyway by my router, but I?m conditioning my brain to the idea of using the app.
----------------------------------------------------
It will be three weeks tomorrow that I stopped cold turkey, so far I feel pretty fine. I think the longest time I went without porn was about 40-something days two years ago. I?m determined this time to cut off porn for good.
I masturbated two or three times during these three weeks but it wasn?t to porn, so I don?t really mind. "Masturbating" isn?t my problem, "fapping to porn" is. I don?t think I have porn-induced ED but keeping fapping to porn could definitely make this a problem over time. The very idea of porn-induced ED in my thirties is something that terrifies me and "rebooting" and cutting off porn can only be beneficial.
Yesterday, and this is the whole reason why I?m writing this, I almost had a relapse. I walked the line but didn?t cross it (barely) -- I didn?t fapped but I wanted to. My brain was on a high ( just like a drug addict ) but I was able to calm myself down and not piss away the effort made so far. I had one hell of a headache afterwards but was able to prevent the worst.
Now today I?m OK. However, in the past few days I?m thinking more and more about porn than in the first few weeks. I?m seeing it as a marathon : the first 5-10 KM are fine but I feel like in I?m the stage of "you?re now in it and there?s no going back unless you quit, so keep it going even if it?s going to suck"
I?ve made the effort of taking the first step and, for cutting everything off cold turkey, it went way better than I imagined. However now, after three weeks, it begins to annoy me for the first time. I don?t want to relapse, I know it will only make me feel like shit and nothing good will come out of it. However, just like any addiction, the fight is mostly mental and old habits are hard to get rid of. How are you dealing with this "second stage" of rebooting ?
I have plenty of activities and occupations to keep me away of thinking about porn but, since the past couple of days, it?s been harder to do so. For those who?ve been porn-free for a considerable amount of time, how did you manage to get over this "second stage" ?
