Hit a brick wall. Need advice.

[vispren]

I am posting in this section, because I need a different perspective on this.

Background story:

I am 30. I am married to a gorgeous woman who is the love of my life. We have a beautiful 2.5 year old daughter.

I am in reboot, because I developed delayed ejaculation, which lead to an unsatisfying sex life, which lead to an unhealthy marriage. I decided to fight it, because I don't want to lose my girls, as I'm sure I would have I continued with my old ways.

My plan was and still is to never use porn again, distance myself from all artificial stimuli, regain sensitivity to my penis and rewire to be a better husband, a better father and ultimately, a better man.

So after maning up and confessing to my wife about everything, which was emotional and constructive and one of the hardest conversations of my life, I went 30 days hardmode.

It was amazing. It still is. Our communication has improved greatly, we don't lash out and snap into arguments anymore, we are able to have fun just watching TV again, cuddling, tickling and whatnot. We are happy. For the first time in years, I don't have my tongue out, drooling when she bends over to tie her shoes. I still lust, but it has been reduced dramatically. I see her for what she really is: a strong, beautiful woman, who has given me this amazing gift of family.

On the other hand, I feel dynamite. More focus, a wider attention span, being more aware of the way I look and dress, much more confidence, etc. Basically, reoot is starting to give me a preview of what my life could be if I remain steadfast and determined, which I absolutely will.

Anyway, to get back to the point. Since I completed my month in hardmode reboot, literally since I hit the 30 day mark, my brain is in overdrive.

I am eager to put my progress to the test and have sex. It's too much to handle and I find myself in the same mindset I was in before reboot. I am a logical and a practical man and I know this isn't gonna work like this and that this is wrong, but I can't seem to shake it off. I put so much pressure on both of us during the past week that it is utterly unbearable. She pointed it out to me and said she wants to have sex but feels pressured. I can't help it.

I don't want it like this either. I want it to be mutual and loving and beautiful and nothing like it was before. So, I'm kind of thankful we didn't do it as I believe it would set us back. It's just hard going through this dr Jekyl - Mr Hyde nonsense.

I know I'm not rebooted yet. I will go on with this for as long as it will take for things to get better, but what's happening now is rather discouraging.

I want to know how to approach this, because this an obstacle I realise I can't just buldoze over with sheer willpower.

Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

 

[Gracie]

Reading your journal, you stated that 30 days was your goal.  You are there.  Start out by having regular cuddle time.  Every morning before you get up and every evening after being in bed.  Spoon, lay face to face whatever but have your full bodies touching.  Hold each other kiss.  Get back to physical making out without sex.  But as a routine.  Then all the touch is not sex related and orgasm is not the goal of every touch.  This will help you ease in to the sex a little more slowly. 

You are doing a great job and kudos for telling your wife.  That alone makes it easier!

 

[jkkk]

Hey vispren,

Well you posted in the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section and technically I do not make the cut as I am a rebooter myself, but I have a few ideas after reading your post.

But firstly I must say that I am very much with you, as I am a married rebooter myself and I think that the long-term character of  marriage and the emotions connected with it (on both sides) make for particularly challenging circumstances to reboot.

Also, it seems to me to that sex in marriage is, regardless of the fact if anyone is a sex addict, an area where particular caution, engagement and dedication is needed.

From my point of view:

1. I don't how long have you been rebooting and how many attempts you made. 30 days of PMO is great. That said, getting rid of PMO is just the first step.

Next are all porn substitutes and facets of porn (images on the net, social media, checking out girls in the streets and so on) that lead to DOPAMINE SPIKES ie. our real addiction.

There is some brilliant material on why all that is equally harmful for a dopamine addict - read the thread http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

A full reboot means getting rid of all dopamine spiking activity.

2. Sex in a monogamous relationship should not, in general, set you back. A bit longer abstinence might help greatly, though, so do not resign from it.

Sex will lead to dopamine releases so after sex you might notice that some bad habits you picked up as a dopamine addict are getting back - you should then double the guard and consciously resign from any of those behaviours/habits.

3. After a solid and truthful reboot (see point 1.) it is possible to experience something that I would call an "opening of eyes" at the SO. Suddenly, you wife should feel more attractive, closer and, hmm, "easy to love". That is my experience at least.

This should make it fun to just be with her, hug her, kiss etc.

Needless to say, this state of mind influences the sex department a lot.

4. It is really difficult to say how long should the reboot should take.

As regards sex, it should not be forgotten that if your wife only learnt 30 days ago about your problems, she might need to have a bit more time to, well, recover, think things through... Give her time.

 

[vispren]

Thank you both for your replies.

jkkk,

this is my first attempt. I'm really happy with the way it's happening. I am extremely motivated to succeed. Nothing in my life has brought up this much character and willpower.

Speaking of will, William has been an inspiration to me since day 1. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be where I am today. Getting clean is an uncompromising battle with clearly defined winners and losers. And I'm done losing.

... Give her time.

This is exactly what I'm thinking, now that I'm cooled down. She always knew there was a problem. She just couldn't quite put her finger on what the hell was wrong. Since I told her, she is really supporting and curious to some extent, but mainly she just wants it fixed. On the other hand, my DE induced frustrations left a mark on her as well. She needs to rewire, too.

Gracie

That's excellent advice. It makes perfect sense. During the years, except for the "hello/goodbye" peck on the lips, we reduced the time our bodies interact to a minimum. That minimum would mean dysfunctional, unsatisfying sex once every eon. But, like I said, this is improving and we are truly starting to enjoy our time together, just watching a movie, talking, etc.

Also, I like how you, subtly, put me in my wife's shoes after thinking more about what you wrote, I realize that my wife pushing me away from her in the past is a normal response.

I was so driven by this unhealthy sexual appetite fed by porn and frustrations, that it's normal she wanted to steer clear from any physical contact with me, because it may encourage me. By taking sex out of the equation, she should feel more comfortable.

Thank you very much.

 

[Gracie]

I am glad that I helped you.  Believe it or not, both partners need that physical contact without sex.  It will become clearer as you work through this.  You will find that it is amazing how much you needed it all along and did not realize it.  Both my husband and I were surprised at how much we enjoyed it.