Goal: Bring back color to human contact

[ALM]

Day 11,
difficulty: 5/10
I dreamt about getting into my building lift with a new neighbor and hearing how we may fall while going up. She is scared, we hug, it feels really good. Lift ends its way, everything is ok, we end-up our hug, I try to kiss her, she rejects me.

Again no cravings for porn yesterday, but as weekend is coming It is difficult to control urges for sex. Talked with a couple of friends I used to meet, they are not available for the weekend. Also, I came back to IG. On my case it is not a porn-substitute and I don't have the urges of PMO with it, but instead is a tinder-substitute so I start to give some likes here and there (on real profiles, no models or erotic profiles) and see if something comes up.

Despite that, I'm feeling ok. Yesterday's pain is gone. I have a party this Friday night, let's see how it goes.

 

[ALM]

Day 12,
difficulty: 3/10
Busy day at work and a disappointing night. One more day. Though with this loneliness don't know the point of anything. Luckily, don't even have urges for PMO.

 

[ALM]

Day 13,
difficulty: 7/10
After one week since the last one, again a difficult day. And again, same reasons. My difficulty is not about controlling PMO, not even MO, but sex... Don't worth it to get into details, but again very close to make very stupid things. Somehow I controlled it at the end.

Instead of feeling proud of it I feel mad for imposing this to me... luckily I'll allow myself having sex soon, and if things are starting to get better there, then I can stop hard mode and avoid these peak days. Seems this is the only struggle, as there are very low urges of P or M.

 

[ALM]

Day 14 ,
difficulty: 5/10
I had sex with my GF this morning, everything was great: 100% erection, didn't lose it during sex, even during some situations that is usually difficult for me. Of course I ended quite fast after 14 days of retention, but don't think it will be something to worry about. Still, want to try a bit more and see how is the actual state (maybe the quality of sex was also caused by my 14 days of no O, and may not be that good on normal circumstances).

Chaser effect kicked in and I could not avoid three moments of M during a few seconds, without O or even edging. It is not good, but did not feel like a relapse. Last time I had sex I MO a couple of times and I did not want to feel the same, so this time I was able to control it a bit more.

In the other hand, summary: 4 weeks without P. 2 weeks without M. Had sex three times.

 

[ALM]

Day 15,
difficulty: 6/10
I Met a new girl today. First date I have in almost two years. It was fun, she did not want to have sex once I told her I was on an open relationship, but I was happy to see that I still can have dates and to like people. Bad news is that we kissed and I only had a small erection during first kisses, then it felt like completely dead. And those actually were some of the best kisses I have met.

Honestly, today is hard to believe that there will be someday where the connection between my brain and penis works again. It's good during sex, but on non explicit arousal it is like completely broken.

Despite everything, cravings after the date were not very difficult to control. I was more sad than excited.

 

[ALM]

Day 16,
difficulty: 9/10
Intense cravings after waking up due to yesterday, and due to being alone today.

I was able to prevent relapse to MO, but I have spent the full day thinking about sex, watching porn substitutes, almost meeting with people I don't know at all, M-ing without O from time to time... I don't feel cravings for PMO, but I understand how confortable was in the past to just PMO and get rid of this alienation.

Honestly, today feels like a relapse despite I did not watch explicit P or MO. The only reason I did not PMO was for the pain of thinking in making another 16 days to come to this same point. In 16 days I would like to feel a bit better, and not as I am now. so at least as I did not PMO for that reason, I will not reset the counter despite my general disappointment.

 

[ALM]

Day 17,
difficulty: 2/10
Very busy day at work, and then I had sex during the evening with a new girl I have been talking with for last days. It was ok, erection from just soft petting and then O from oral sex. Again I finished quickly, I think for the nerves of being a new girl and being a few days without O (since day 14).

I think erection from just feeling the contact with a naked body is something very unusual on me, so that's something to value from this experience.

No cravings at all after that.

 

[ALM]

Day 18,
difficulty: 2/10
Had sex with a friend. It was good, although felt more or less same problems than before (no erection from kisses, petting, and difficult to maintain it on oral), maybe because I already had sex yesterday or maybe because is too soon, or maybe because this is doing nothing and every improvement/failure is on my mind (arousal, nerves, circumstances, person...).

I had an interesting thought there. I'm a very perfectionist person, and when having sex the moment that I feel something unperfect I only think on that (temperature, noise of bed, her roommate making some noise, neighbors...). Sometimes I even loose the erection because of it. I will read about it.

Anyway sex was good in general and we will meet again, so not much to punish myself with, besides being always overthinking and not being there 100%.

Day 19,
difficulty: 9/10
Post-sex craving day. Again, almost all evening and night edging, porn-substitutes, and thinking how I could get sex today too. No desire of PMO, as usual. The girl of day 15th was sexting to me which made things harder.

I did not O, but is there really some difference between this and a relapse? I will try to achieve the 30 days mark, and then maybe I should be more strict and try harder to prevent edging on these days. I found very useful 15mins of meditation when I'm exhausted on being trapped on sexual thoughts. If I trigger it earlier, it may work.

 

[ALM]

Day 20,
difficulty: 2/10
No thoughts about sex today as I had some party plans with very low expectation of turning into sex. It feels good to take a mental rest. At night I had very good sex with my GF.

BTW I just realized that it's been 35 days without visiting any porn website. I think those are good news. Probably too soon to notice any change, specially if I still watch porn-substitutes occasionally and (maybe) if I also have sex, but at least I know it's been 35 days without hardcore and unrealistic porn, and without visioning that endless loop of beautiful women having sex (which I think is what causes the most damage).

 

[ALM]

Day 21,
difficulty: 2/10
Due to yesterday, woke up with some cravings and I M without O before getting out of bed. Today I met girl of day 15 again, we went to special place and things ended up with an orgy with a few other couples. Nervous betrayed me a bit due to the situation but things were better than previous times (which is what actually lead me to think I have a problem with PMO).

summary of the week: It is great 3 weeks with no M, 5 weeks with no P, and this was the week of recovering a very active sexual life. I noticed some improvements, but still wanting things to get better. Anyway, not sure if improvements were caused by no P, no M, or simply better circumstances.

No need to wait for the 1 month checkpoint, I need:

• To avoid moments of M on post-sex craving day.
• To avoid porn-substitutes when I can not get actual sex.
• To stop being always thinking about getting sex.

Exercise, meditation and work can help me with that. See how things are in 7 days.

 

[ALM]

Day 22,
difficulty: 1/10
Surprisingly easy day. Easiest day until now, zero cravings for P, M and even sex during the entire day. Maybe because I was completely fulfilled of yesterday experience, although I was expecting huge cravings because of it, and not the complete opposite.
Anyway, it feels great to take a mental break.

 

[ALM]

Day 23,
difficulty: 1/10
Same as yesterday, no much to say. Busy day at work and at home, and zero cravings for sex (and of course for P or MO).

 

[ALM]

Day 24,
difficulty: 3/10
Couple of minutes of M without O with MW before getting out of bed. Some cravings during day to extremely boring day at work.

 

[ALM]

Day 25,
difficulty: 3/10
Again, same error as yesterday. Besides that, no cravings of P or M the rest of the day.

 

[ALM]

Day 26,
difficulty: 3/10
Same as the last days, I need to stop ocasional edging during the day. Don't know why I'm doing it as I don't have cravings for M or P.

 

[ALM]

Day 0,
difficulty: 4/10

So, I MO tonight. I met a friend in the evening and we had sex, it was good, a bit quickie as I had no O since 6 days ago.

Then I went to a party and met a girl, we kissed, she offered me to go to her place at the end of the night but I was quite tired to stay on the pub drinking four more hours, to sleep on somewhere else place, to come back home tired in the morning and so on, so we exchanged numbers and I came back home. There I simply wanted to MO, It was not impulsive, it was not because I was drunk, I considered it for a couple of minutes, and then I just admitted that I wanted to enjoy it and do it. That's why I even say today's difficulty was 4/10.

So, don't know at what point I am in all of this. I feel that P is out of my life as it has been 41 days without P and almost without cravings for P. The main goal I had to quit P was to improve my sexual performance, and I have seen some small benefits but then I feel that being so long without MO causes me to end earlier. It is clear to me that I must not return to P, but what is the reason of no MO at this point? I don't know. Guess I need to read again what brought me here and see if this is still valuable to me.

 

[muchomucho]

Day 0,
difficulty: 4/10

So, I MO tonight. I met a friend in the evening and we had sex, it was good, a bit quickie as I had no O since 6 days ago.

Then I went to a party and met a girl, we kissed, she offered me to go to her place at the end of the night but I was quite tired to stay on the pub drinking four more hours, to sleep on somewhere else place, to come back home tired in the morning and so on, so we exchanged numbers and I came back home. There I simply wanted to MO, It was not impulsive, it was not because I was drunk, I considered it for a couple of minutes, and then I just admitted that I wanted to enjoy it and do it. That's why I even say today's difficulty was 4/10.

So, don't know at what point I am in all of this. I feel that P is out of my life as it has been 41 days without P and almost without cravings for P. The main goal I had to quit P was to improve my sexual performance, and I have seen some small benefits but then I feel that being so long without MO causes me to end earlier. It is clear to me that I must not return to P, but what is the reason of no MO at this point? I don't know. Guess I need to read again what brought me here and see if this is still valuable to me.

Take your time. You will feel it when you should start your next attempt. Keep us updated!