Hi there.
I'm nearing the end of Day 4! It's a new journey for me.
I'll start off by saying writing this is difficult for me. I'm reasonably a good writer (not to mention modest), but I'm very bad at sharing things about me (I use many tricks, including humour and big words, to deflect). But getting this down is probably cathectic in itself. This'll be long (edit: longer than even I expected).
About me. My name's not Bob. But Bob will do for the purposes of this story. I'm a few months away from 50. I'm single and I've lived alone for about 15 years. I live a long way from my family (pretty much as far as it's possible to be), so I rarely see them. I'm very much science driven (and definitely atheist). My work is almost entirely computer-based.
I won't dwell on the details of my consumption. I started with magazines in my early teens and had access to the internet - pictures, then videos - since the 1990s. I've mixed in chat and games. All fantasy worlds of different types. All porn.
I've had issues with ED for about 20 years, initially minor; more serious recently. My last significant relationship was 5 years ago - and ED was a major issue then (although not a direct contributor, ED was a minor factor to it ending). I've generally struggled to have long-term relationships: I don't think my addiction caused that, but they may have a common source. And I've not done short term, casual, or hook-ups very often. Irrespective of the causes, most of my sex-life has been a solo affair. I'm, by and large, OK with that; but if I meet someone, I do want to be able to have a full relationship with them. I'm pretty certain any other sort of sexual relationship would be impossible for me right now.
The relationships thing is a bit of an aside. This is mostly about me - and sorting myself out. Anything else would be a bonus.
My previous state: I rarely, if ever, got an erection. Even with porn, it wasn't really there. PMO (I think that's the acronym) was a forced effort - mostly driven by some fanasty thing or another, not reality. With COVID, I've been working from home; even as the restrictions have lifted, I rarely need to go to the office, so opportunities were aplenty. Like many who live alone, the whole COVID thing left me quite isolated, which I think made it worse. But while I know it didn't help, but this addiction predates the last 18 months of global madness/aloneness.
And my current state: I made the decision on the weekend. The clock, for me, started on Saturday. On Sunday, I deleted my 'library' that I've accumulated over 15+ years. I cancelled a couple of subscriptions and deleted chat accounts (I glanced at a few things, then, but it really doesn't count; no temptation and purely for the purposes removing it). I've tried putting specific filters on my router to block sites - that's not worked, but I'll have another go in a few days. I've set-up a counter on my phone to track the number of days. All of this stuff will make it a little harder to access 'material', but not so much that I can't get around it all in a minute or two if I want. And 'want' is really the key here. It's about my actions from here. So far, after a whole four days, it's been easy. That'll change. I'll struggle and probably relapse at some point.
I've not set any major goals, beyond the vague, 'I want to get better'. No porn - in the broad definition I've used - is the hard line I've set. No masturbation for a while; exactly how long, I'll play by ear (months, I'm thinking). The key is if I do MO again, it can't be tainted by echoes of porn. Real sex will largely depend on opportunities - and, again, I'll play it by ear for how to deal with it. I've no doubt I'll slip and cross lines both hard and soft; my hope is that I can make it rare and isolated incidents. I need to break the pattern and, quite literally, change my mind.
I'm not sure I'll post regular updates. I have read some of the stories here - which are helpful and inspiring (thank you to everyone who's much more open than I'm comfortable being). I'm just not that good at sharing. But I will continue reading and I will periodically post in here - most likely, when I'm struggling.
Thanks,
Not Bob.
I'm nearing the end of Day 4! It's a new journey for me.
I'll start off by saying writing this is difficult for me. I'm reasonably a good writer (not to mention modest), but I'm very bad at sharing things about me (I use many tricks, including humour and big words, to deflect). But getting this down is probably cathectic in itself. This'll be long (edit: longer than even I expected).
About me. My name's not Bob. But Bob will do for the purposes of this story. I'm a few months away from 50. I'm single and I've lived alone for about 15 years. I live a long way from my family (pretty much as far as it's possible to be), so I rarely see them. I'm very much science driven (and definitely atheist). My work is almost entirely computer-based.
I won't dwell on the details of my consumption. I started with magazines in my early teens and had access to the internet - pictures, then videos - since the 1990s. I've mixed in chat and games. All fantasy worlds of different types. All porn.
I've had issues with ED for about 20 years, initially minor; more serious recently. My last significant relationship was 5 years ago - and ED was a major issue then (although not a direct contributor, ED was a minor factor to it ending). I've generally struggled to have long-term relationships: I don't think my addiction caused that, but they may have a common source. And I've not done short term, casual, or hook-ups very often. Irrespective of the causes, most of my sex-life has been a solo affair. I'm, by and large, OK with that; but if I meet someone, I do want to be able to have a full relationship with them. I'm pretty certain any other sort of sexual relationship would be impossible for me right now.
The relationships thing is a bit of an aside. This is mostly about me - and sorting myself out. Anything else would be a bonus.
My previous state: I rarely, if ever, got an erection. Even with porn, it wasn't really there. PMO (I think that's the acronym) was a forced effort - mostly driven by some fanasty thing or another, not reality. With COVID, I've been working from home; even as the restrictions have lifted, I rarely need to go to the office, so opportunities were aplenty. Like many who live alone, the whole COVID thing left me quite isolated, which I think made it worse. But while I know it didn't help, but this addiction predates the last 18 months of global madness/aloneness.
And my current state: I made the decision on the weekend. The clock, for me, started on Saturday. On Sunday, I deleted my 'library' that I've accumulated over 15+ years. I cancelled a couple of subscriptions and deleted chat accounts (I glanced at a few things, then, but it really doesn't count; no temptation and purely for the purposes removing it). I've tried putting specific filters on my router to block sites - that's not worked, but I'll have another go in a few days. I've set-up a counter on my phone to track the number of days. All of this stuff will make it a little harder to access 'material', but not so much that I can't get around it all in a minute or two if I want. And 'want' is really the key here. It's about my actions from here. So far, after a whole four days, it's been easy. That'll change. I'll struggle and probably relapse at some point.
I've not set any major goals, beyond the vague, 'I want to get better'. No porn - in the broad definition I've used - is the hard line I've set. No masturbation for a while; exactly how long, I'll play by ear (months, I'm thinking). The key is if I do MO again, it can't be tainted by echoes of porn. Real sex will largely depend on opportunities - and, again, I'll play it by ear for how to deal with it. I've no doubt I'll slip and cross lines both hard and soft; my hope is that I can make it rare and isolated incidents. I need to break the pattern and, quite literally, change my mind.
I'm not sure I'll post regular updates. I have read some of the stories here - which are helpful and inspiring (thank you to everyone who's much more open than I'm comfortable being). I'm just not that good at sharing. But I will continue reading and I will periodically post in here - most likely, when I'm struggling.
Thanks,
Not Bob.
(you mentioned it yourself on day 9) Good luck.