Off the wagon

[antonahill]

I was doing great for months.  I haven't masturbated at all.  I thought that'd be the tough part.  I've read that some slowed down before they quit, but I stopped cold turkey.  After about three months, though, it was the not looking that got tough.  And not fantasizing became impossible.  One day, I thought one look wouldn't hurt.  I wouldn't touch myself.  Just one look.  I'd completely forgotten that looking without masturbation was the opposite of what I should do if I did anything at all.  Another few weeks went by and I thought another look wouldn't hurt anything.  But then I looked again.

My libido has been in major flux.  The week following my reboot, I was a horny 16-year-old.  Sex every night.  Then, after a few weeks or maybe two months, it slowed.  The funny thing is it slowed before I'd looked at any porn.  Then it picked up again, then slowed.  The worst was two weeks ago when my wife and I didn't have sex for a week.  I just wasn't in the mood that whole time.  I'd assumed that masturbation would kill my libido, but I guess it was the looking that did.

The worst part is that I didn't cop to the looking.  My wife asked me on more than one occasion if I were masturbating again.  Splitting hairs, I was able to honestly answer no.  But then when things really slowed down, she checked my computer's browsing history.  She was understandably extremely upset.

After a fight and my apologies for lying, I'm back on the wagon, day two.  I'm talking to my therapist about this when I see him next and my wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor soon.  Beyond that I'm not sure what else to do.  I've promised her and myself that I won't look at anything.  She's asked that the next time I feel the urge, just tell her.

She doesn't trust me.  I don't blame her.

 

[Therewolf]

Hey, I feel your pain bro. 

Having a setback can be demoralizing, but you have to remind yourself that this is a journey and the setbacks are going to be part of it.

The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself about why you started looking again.  Sounds like you panicked when your libido went down.  Understandable, but were there other reasons why you felt that you still needed porn in your life?  Another way to look at it; why did you still put value in looking at porn?  I have to constantly remind myself that it took me years to ruin my brain this much and it's not going to be undone by just a few months of not watching porn.  Personally, I used to use porn to feel better when I was having a bad day.  I also used it to cover up feelings of inadequacy as a person.  This is where my addiction stemmed from and I had to work on those core issues to gain the strength to overcome porn.

The lying is a problem.  I once read an author who said that the difference between lying to your partner and not disclosing the whole truth is a technicality.  That kind of thing is going to put distance between you and your wife.  As far as trust is concerned, you're just going to earn it back.  One day at a time, through your actions and by being completely honest with what's going on in your head.

I know this sounds like a lecture, but I don't really mean it to be.  I really do empathize.  I just think that the only way to turn a setback into a positive experience is to really be honest with yourself and your partner about how you got back to that point where you put value back into porn.  If you can do that, then you can learn from this experience and make this reboot much better than the last.

You can do it if you put in the work.  Good luck.

 

[dhira]

Hi nalgas

I was in a situation very similar to yours about five years ago. My girlfriend finished our relationship the first time she found out I looked at porn, she was devastated. I promised to stop and told her I would do this and that and It wouldn?t happen again, but it did, with the same devastating consequences. At that point I found a 12 step group and worked through the steps and got one full year of recovery(didnt look at porn once). My girlfriend saw the change in me (over time) and it was the best year of my life. our relationship blossomed. But I had to put recovery first in my list of priorities and not be lazy. Then I kind of got healthily addicted to doing things in the recovery process because I felt so much better knowing I was spending time doing the right thing. Women notice that in a guy.

I suppose my point is that trust can be regained but it does take time and an honest strong commitment to recovering from porn addiction, whether that is by rebooting or 12 stepping or whatever feels right or is available to you. But if you throw yourself head first into recovering from this she will see that change in you and many addicts(I have been in a lot of 12 step meetings) have found damage done in relationships was healed to the point where things became better than ever, because we dont have this dishonest addiction to hide any more, we are guilt free.

I know Im a newbie on here and I dont have much experience with rebooting, but I thought I would share my experience about how a sincere effort to recover(in what ever way) will give a lot of hope and encouragement to a partner.

Dig deep you can do it