22 year old, day 29, need to reach out

[jberg]

og123, I admire your capacity for honesty that you are showing here. That takes a lot of courage. Truthfulness is the foundation of any human relationship. I have found that this forum and other recovery venues provided a safe place for me to practice truthfulness. Before coming here, I was NEVER truthful about this aspect of my life, and so had to tell other lies to cover up what I was doing. Lying to make myself look good became second nature to me. Lack of truthfulness was one of the major barriers to me finding intimacy with others.

However this desire for intimacy bubbles up every so often and I'm like I want a relationship

I think desire for intimacy is natural. My attempt to fill that desire with my isolating obsession with MO had not worked. Just as I would quench my thirst with a glass of water, or satisfy my hunger with a good meal, it makes more sense that I cure my loneliness by finding true intimacy. The natural sex instinct is a power means of connecting. I had distorted my sex instinct and so had hamstrung my ability to connect with others.

 

[jberg]

I just posted this to another thread and thought of you:
I've read other posts here where it took guys anywhere between 100 days to 1 year to get fully recovered. I'm going to give this a try for one year, to see how I feel. If I find that I'm much happier with PMO than I am having normal, healthy sex with my wife, then I'll go back to PMO. I'm pretty sure it will still be out there waiting for me.

 

[Deleted member 26092]

I just posted this to another thread and thought of you:
I've read other posts here where it took guys anywhere between 100 days to 1 year to get fully recovered. I'm going to give this a try for one year, to see how I feel. If I find that I'm much happier with PMO than I am having normal, healthy sex with my wife, then I'll go back to PMO. I'm pretty sure it will still be out there waiting for me.

I don't know if it's good for you to go through this process if you have PMO in mind as an option for the future.

 

[jberg]

I don't know if it's good for you to go through this process if you have PMO in mind as an option for the future.

Thanks for your reply, and you make a good point. I say that I'll return to PMO in a "tongue-in-cheek" sort of way (although it doesn't come across well in written form). For years I told myself that today is the last time I will use PMO, and starting tomorrow, I will never do it again. That never worked, so I sort of turned it around. Just for today I will try making the true connection with myself, with others and with my higher power, and will not worry about what happens tomorrow. I know that a healthy intimacy with my wife is deeply satisfying and brings me profound joy. This is my heart's desire. And I know that the substitutes leave me feeling empty inside.