BrahmaC
New Member
Several years ago, I made the decision to practice celibacy. In my teens and early twenties, I used porn and masturbation excessively - often to numb out painful feelings of various kinds. My decision to pursue celibacy pretty much ended what I would call addictive/compulsive behaviors, so that was a plus - but it was also a byproduct of my spiritual aspiration to ordain (as a Theravada Buddhist monk). My parents (especially my dad) didn't approve of my desire to ordain - and so I instead decided to work on my career and education. I got a masters degree, and now I'm working towards a doctorate. I have a pretty good job by all accounts. I'm blessed in many ways.
Although I wasn't sure if I ever would be in a position to ordain, I decided to keep my celibacy. I had a strong determination to make it a lifelong practice. Things went pretty well for the first couple of years. I had a few minor struggles and so forth - but I went long stretches of time happily celibate, no parter, no porn, no masturbation, etc...And I grew to like myself a lot more during this time.
But for whatever reason, sexual desire has been creeping back in over the past several months. Several times, I have relapsed and looked up pornography - some of it old stuff that I had seen before. I haven't actually masturbated in the traditional sense since I decided to pursue celibacy, nor have I engaged in any sexual activity with anyone else, but (without providing too much detail) I have been able to bring myself to orgasm. I sometimes try to stop it before it happens, immediately regretting what I've done. The pleasure has actually been pretty minimal, and the pain I've felt has been greater (headache, body aches and tension, etc...). Afterwards, I feel a lot of shame, self-loathing, physical unease, and even fear, after "coming to".
How could I be so weak? How could I give in so easily? How could I break a promise to myself like that? What is going to happen to me now? How can I ever overcome this? These are the kinds of thoughts I start thinking after I have relapsed. But on the other hand, I know that if I turn to it, the desire is right there. I COULD keep on pursuing the path of desire and gratification forever (so it seems), no matter how unfulfilling it actually ends up being. The promise of SOME relief, SOME satisfaction, SOME gratification of whatever deep seated emotional knots I have bound up with sexuality in my mind...makes it difficult to feel that I could ever overcome this. When I think about things rationally, I know that porn and masturbation are unhealthy for me, they are bringing me a lot of unnecessary suffering, and quite obviously run opposite my genuine wish to practice lifelong celibacy. I know that I simply must find a way to stop, for good. And so I found this website, and I am heartened to know that others might understand some of my own predicament, and have had successes in battling similar inner demons.
I want this time to be different. I don't want to make commitments and then fail to keep them. What I am starting to understand is that I have to do MORE than simply make a vow, or have a strong determination to overcome these behaviors. I need to understand my triggers (sexualized images, memories, stress and anxiety, negative self talk) that can lead to an "episode". I need to maintain awareness and constantly monitor my own state of mind and well-being. I need to redirect my attention and take action that runs counter to sexual desires and behaviors. I need to remember the drawbacks, shame, pain and lack of satisfaction that I inevitable will feel if I engage in these activities. I need to take real responsibility, be a grown up, and stop backsliding.
I am posting here today to add an extra layer of accountability, and because I don't want to feel so alone in battling this. I know I can and will do better. I know all of you can as well. No more porn and/or masturbation for me...and I mean FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I'm tired of this! But I'll start with the year 2022 - with New Years right around the corner, I hereby make a resolution not to seek out porn or "porn substitutes", or masturbate AT ALL for the rest of 2021 and the entirety of 2022. Furthermore, I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind. I will post here again if I have any relapses or struggles, or at the latest, in early 2023 to give an update on my progress.
I wish everyone here all the best. I know you can and will overcome and heal!
Although I wasn't sure if I ever would be in a position to ordain, I decided to keep my celibacy. I had a strong determination to make it a lifelong practice. Things went pretty well for the first couple of years. I had a few minor struggles and so forth - but I went long stretches of time happily celibate, no parter, no porn, no masturbation, etc...And I grew to like myself a lot more during this time.
But for whatever reason, sexual desire has been creeping back in over the past several months. Several times, I have relapsed and looked up pornography - some of it old stuff that I had seen before. I haven't actually masturbated in the traditional sense since I decided to pursue celibacy, nor have I engaged in any sexual activity with anyone else, but (without providing too much detail) I have been able to bring myself to orgasm. I sometimes try to stop it before it happens, immediately regretting what I've done. The pleasure has actually been pretty minimal, and the pain I've felt has been greater (headache, body aches and tension, etc...). Afterwards, I feel a lot of shame, self-loathing, physical unease, and even fear, after "coming to".
How could I be so weak? How could I give in so easily? How could I break a promise to myself like that? What is going to happen to me now? How can I ever overcome this? These are the kinds of thoughts I start thinking after I have relapsed. But on the other hand, I know that if I turn to it, the desire is right there. I COULD keep on pursuing the path of desire and gratification forever (so it seems), no matter how unfulfilling it actually ends up being. The promise of SOME relief, SOME satisfaction, SOME gratification of whatever deep seated emotional knots I have bound up with sexuality in my mind...makes it difficult to feel that I could ever overcome this. When I think about things rationally, I know that porn and masturbation are unhealthy for me, they are bringing me a lot of unnecessary suffering, and quite obviously run opposite my genuine wish to practice lifelong celibacy. I know that I simply must find a way to stop, for good. And so I found this website, and I am heartened to know that others might understand some of my own predicament, and have had successes in battling similar inner demons.
I want this time to be different. I don't want to make commitments and then fail to keep them. What I am starting to understand is that I have to do MORE than simply make a vow, or have a strong determination to overcome these behaviors. I need to understand my triggers (sexualized images, memories, stress and anxiety, negative self talk) that can lead to an "episode". I need to maintain awareness and constantly monitor my own state of mind and well-being. I need to redirect my attention and take action that runs counter to sexual desires and behaviors. I need to remember the drawbacks, shame, pain and lack of satisfaction that I inevitable will feel if I engage in these activities. I need to take real responsibility, be a grown up, and stop backsliding.
I am posting here today to add an extra layer of accountability, and because I don't want to feel so alone in battling this. I know I can and will do better. I know all of you can as well. No more porn and/or masturbation for me...and I mean FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I'm tired of this! But I'll start with the year 2022 - with New Years right around the corner, I hereby make a resolution not to seek out porn or "porn substitutes", or masturbate AT ALL for the rest of 2021 and the entirety of 2022. Furthermore, I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind. I will post here again if I have any relapses or struggles, or at the latest, in early 2023 to give an update on my progress.
I wish everyone here all the best. I know you can and will overcome and heal!
