bossman1224
New Member
Welp damnit I have fucked up again lol today is sunday and I am starting over i havent posted in a while (June 2014) which should let you know the many many many many times i have relapsed. But today I have decided to let it go....... for good. I just masturbated to gay porn (mind you im not gay) like 2 hours ago for one last time. I really want to change and have a girlfriend eventually get married and start a family. I am also planning on transitioning to a new and better job (2nd interview on Wednesday!!! please pray i get it!) and Im in this place in life where i need a change. I want to take my life to the next level. So from this day forth I want to write a journal at least once a day or offer support everyday. My story starts off as a young boy about 10 who used to stay up late to watch that soft core porn on cinemax lol. You guys know what im talking about lol i love seeing the big beautiful breast of those gorgeous women. Then I started noticing the guys the bodies the muscles all of that. Then I started fantizing about guys and watching porn websites in middle school. By high the end of high school I masturbated for the first time to a gay porn site. My senior year was the first time I had ever masturbated in my life and it was to gay porn. All the while Ive always wanted a girlfriend and thought women were beautiful. At this point I just knew I was gay lol I would just think damn damn please God cure me I dont want this shit in my lol. So then I went to college. I loved the freedom!!!lol the freedom to watch all the gay porn i wanted lmao and masturbate this little dirty secret of mines. Up until this point I have never acted on these urges I had. Ive always thought about trying with a guy but ultimately never wanted to cross that boundary.However I started talking to a girl and I started to spend time with her and everything. as we got closer we would do certain stuff (not the actual intercourse) I would feel very limited movement down there if you know what i mean lol. However this was really a relief for me because i felt some attraction down there to a woman which i longed for. But all through college I was very well known prolly could have had a few gorgeous women but a constant in my life was that damn gay porn. fuck that lil devil lol. However about a year or two ago I found this website. after reading many post Im pretty convince i have HOCD. one of things that I contribute to my use of gay porn is the actual bodies of the men. See i dont feel very masculine im overweight i dont have a really good self image (which I'm working on) I have never really liked my body. I think I watch the interactions of the men because deep down I want their bodies ( thats my theory) I want to feel attractive. I can look at a guy and say he is so attractive and i have to watch myself lol but I really feel like its because of years and years of heavy heavy porn usage lol seriously tho. But the first REAL step is acknowledging the problem. and porn addiction is really like any other addiction. Because I really do good for like a week sometimes two weeks but then I get this lil itch or see something that triggers me to I go straight to pornos lol. but Im here for support and Im ready to let it go. Im incorporating prayer and working out because I know thats the only way out of this shit. Idk why its so damn hard tho. I am open to any suggestions and comments help me out and I will return the support