I need change

[terrified]

Hey guys, I?ve tried to stop this so very many times in the past, but if it doesnt stop now I?m absolutely certain that it will end my relationship.

I?ve always been quite lonely and for a period of my life, I was regularly bullied as well. Due to an extremely warped and twisted image of myself, I?ve never considered looking for help when I?ve been feeling down, always feeling like someone else was probably needing the help alot more than me and thus it would be selfish of me to ask for it.

As a result of this I?ve been depressed for large portions of my life without any sort of professional help. I havent even dared to call it depression before because I didnt know if I felt 'bad enough' for that. Yesterday however, I was talking to my mother and she described the depression that both her and her father has been struggling with, and it felt like a perfect description of how I?ve been feeling all my life.

Anyways, I?ve been watching porn on an almost daily basis for the past 7 years or so. this summer/fall I?ve been trying quite hard to stop, my first attempt I managed 2 weeks before a slight relapse, after which I managed almost 2 months, but then I relapsed heavily and broke down crying daily, feeling absolutely worthless constantly.

So now I?m trying again, if it doesnt work this time I dont know what I?ll do, as I said my boyfriend is likely to leave me if I do it again and I have no clue what to do without him, I don't want to go back to being all alone.

Sorry if this post isnt very light hearted, I had to get some stuff off my chest.

 

[terrified]

I feel that I really can do it this time... I feel that I?ve been through enough right now to give me the strength to push through this. But at the same time, I feel that my boyfriend has lost any confidence in my ability to do so and is preparing to leave...

I used to have him to support me through this, but right now I feel so lonely, there?s no one I can talk to about this anymore, because it doesnt feel like he believes anything I say anymore because I?ve failed so many times before.

He sais if it happens again he?ll leave me, if he does that I dont think I have anything left to live for.

 

[Innocence]

Hey!

Glad to see you've put up a journal!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a rough time, also in my perspective whether someone is more depressed than the other shouldn't matter.
Everyone experiences it in their own way, therefor you shouldn't feel like someone else needs it more.
You have all the right to get the help you need, you're still young so please take it.

Would it be appropriate if I ask if you're a female? Since you're talking about a boyfriend.
It does not matter if you're a guy, just trying to create the image here

Anyhow, if you feel like talking to anyone you can always send me a message.
I'd be happy to talk about what ever that is on your mind.

Stay strong!

 

[terrified]

Right, I probably should have given some information about myself. I'm a nearly 20 year old male. I live in sweden and I go to school 3 days a week and work 3 days a week, so I dont have much spare time anymore. I used to be quite active earlier this year, going to the gym/running 3 times/week, but due to some problems with a friend of mine at school, I dropped out and he cut all contact with me.

This basically resulted in no more gym, no more school and no more friends, so I dropped into a depression at that point which I kept relatively secret from anyone around me, my boyfriend knew because I broke down and cried quite alot.

Early this summer, it became clear to my boyfriend about thw amount of porn I was consuming and he conditioned me to stop. So since then I've been trying, getting more depressed for each relapse and having my boyfriend lose more faith in my every time I failed.

Thanks for taking the time to write, it means alot to me.

 

[Innocence]

It's a good thing you can keep yourself occupied with work and school though!
I can understand it might not be the best thing but at least you're around people and I don't know your situation at work or at school but you're not alone.

To me, you're just lacking motivation for this to fulfill.
I'm not saying that you don't care for your boyfriend or anything like that, just try to reboot for yourself and not for him.
It's really great you have someone supporting you, just try to get that pressure off your shoulders that he might leave you if you don't stop.

I'd highly recommend you reading the ybop e-book, it's really educational on the subject.
When I'm having urges to watch porn or before I go to bed I always tend to read some pages and it helps me a lot staying on track!
(If you can't buy it, there's always a pirate bay yarr, although, buying it is what I recommend unless you really have no other choice)

Stay strong buddy!

 

[terrified]

I do have motivation for it, mainly because I know that if I dont stop this right now I?ll never be happy again. These last few weeks has been the first time I?ve genuinly considered harming myself and I?m not particularly fond of those thoughts. So I know that if I dont take care of this it wont end well for anyone.

Thanks for the book recommendation though, shouldnt haveto play pirate this time, I?ve got work for a reason.

 

[terrified]

I?m not a very social person by default, but I feel that this addiction and the process of getting out of it is driving me further away from the few friends I have around me. I dont really talk to people without them talking to me first.

I really need help, I need to actually talk to people, I have one guy at school that I can actually talk to and that I would consider a friend, but he?s not always there, which causes me to often cut the day short and leave at lunch time, because i just cant imagine eating lunch on my own there or even worse, approaching some people that I vaguely know and inviting myself to eat with them.

I dont know what to do about this, I feel that I?m falling behind at school now too, which is adding to the overall stress immensely and making me feel even worse.

 

[terrified]

Thanks, the most annoying thing is that I know I have people in my class that I probably could talk to and eat with without them feeling it was weird or even questioning it, but it still feels to awkward to me to even attempt it. So for now I guess its just hoping my friend is there today.

I did feel a great improvement in social skills during my 2 months of no PMO, but once I relapsed, even if just for a few times, it went back to being terrible, but with the addition of depression.

 

[terrified]

Today is a mixed day. I dont feel overly sad today, although I still have a big lump of worry in my chest that won't go away.

I?ve been struggling with trying to decide what to take care of first in terms of schoolwork and studying for drivers license, this has resulted in major procrastination and increased stress/depression etc.

If I take a good think about it and decide what to do it can usually calm me down for a while, but I always get sidetracked and end up not finishing what I was meant to finish which just increases the workload even more.

I realize that very little of what I write about has to do with porn addiction, but I find it easier to deal with this when I think of other stuff as much as possible. Anyways, sorry if it?s irrelevent to most of you.

 

[terrified]

I feel that I need to keep updated here more often, it gets easier when I get to dump all my feelings somewhere, school is quite stresssful atm. Work is routine work so that?s no problem atm, but it does take away quite alot of time that I would like to have for studying..

I havent PMO?d, but it felt like I was getting close to a relapse today, managed to keep it away for now though..I REALLY need to -not- realize, with the amount of times I?ve failed in the past I cant handle another.

 

[Innocence]

I feel that I need to keep updated here more often, it gets easier when I get to dump all my feelings somewhere, school is quite stresssful atm. Work is routine work so that?s no problem atm, but it does take away quite alot of time that I would like to have for studying..

I havent PMO?d, but it felt like I was getting close to a relapse today, managed to keep it away for now though..I REALLY need to -not- realize, with the amount of times I?ve failed in the past I cant handle another.

Dumping your feelings can help really great indeed!
If you feel a bit down try reading some other people their journal or/and read success story's.
They may help you get more motivated again.

 

[terrified]

Thanks for the tip, I definately need to do that, I guess theres alot of people here feeling juat like me. I just tend to have problems realizing that I'm not alone.

 

[terrified]

Been feeling super shitty lately.. studying for school and working constantly has left me nearly no time to prepare for the theoretical driving exam I had today. As a result, I failed, two points under the minimum required.

Going without PMO will surely help me in the long run, but right now I cant feel any difference at all, if anything the stress is even harder to take right now.