Day 31: I just looked and I first joined this site back in 2016. It's funny how time slips by underneath you when you are standing still. At the time, I was married to a great girl; someone I really admired. Unfortunately, I suffered from some PIED and, even though I came clean to her, I found I couldn't stop. In my mind, she wasn't sexy enough - I had to masturbate inside her by thinking of other women. So 2017 comes along and I found a cute, younger asian girl at work that was sexy enough. And after a lot of hours spent pursuing her instead of focusing on my wife and marriage, I was able to climax with a woman again, which was nice, and I got divorced, which wasn't. The woman then ended up going back to her husband and I found a bottom. But porn was always there for me. Always a new story -- Japanese porn...what an insidious industry. I always felt like I could live in that society. All of their fetishes are my fetishes too.
And so I'm back. Found a new woman - a social worker this time. Told her about my addiction day 1. And my cheating. Tired of the lies. And she wasn't unwilling to listen, didn't kick me out immediately. That was three years ago and the sex has been fantastic. Except I can't finish. At first I did - I did a 45 day streak and things were working out ok. But I relapsed when it became clear we were headed toward having a baby and I was 49...what the hell would I do with a baby at 49. I tried to get her into some of my favorite mind games. I like feet and legs. Dressed her up one day on a birthday trip and it was a total disaster. Like off the charts. I think I compared her to a cadaver or something. What a fucked up place my head has become.
Still, she hasn't left my dumb ass yet and I finally found a book on childhood trauma. CPTSD they call it. Abandonment which leads kids to feel unloved and a natural outlet for this is apparently porn. Also things like using online dating because you can keep it at arms length. To protect yourself. Reading this book stripped away my defenses that I was using porn to satisfy myself so I could focus on her during lovemaking. I've never been a better lover to someone else, went my narrative, it's just that she can't satisfy me. Why should she complain when I'm giving her orgasm after orgasm. I'm the one that has to finish things when I come home and can settle in for an hour or two of japanese dysfunction.
So today it's been a month on my latest stretch. I've removed normal 'porn' from my days. Now I'm down to some weird youtube phenomenon where they film pretty chinese girls talking about cars. Can't understand a fucking word but they often have some shoe play going and that's porn to me. So fucking hard to just stop. Goal is no climax outside of a committed relationship. Starting there. Hoping I can keep that going at least.
Using poker chips to count the days. Keep them in a bowl by my jack-off station. Something to represent what I'm throwing away besides the self respect and trust from a patient partner that seems so ephemeral when you are in the moment and the dopamine starts to flow.
And so I'm back. Found a new woman - a social worker this time. Told her about my addiction day 1. And my cheating. Tired of the lies. And she wasn't unwilling to listen, didn't kick me out immediately. That was three years ago and the sex has been fantastic. Except I can't finish. At first I did - I did a 45 day streak and things were working out ok. But I relapsed when it became clear we were headed toward having a baby and I was 49...what the hell would I do with a baby at 49. I tried to get her into some of my favorite mind games. I like feet and legs. Dressed her up one day on a birthday trip and it was a total disaster. Like off the charts. I think I compared her to a cadaver or something. What a fucked up place my head has become.
Still, she hasn't left my dumb ass yet and I finally found a book on childhood trauma. CPTSD they call it. Abandonment which leads kids to feel unloved and a natural outlet for this is apparently porn. Also things like using online dating because you can keep it at arms length. To protect yourself. Reading this book stripped away my defenses that I was using porn to satisfy myself so I could focus on her during lovemaking. I've never been a better lover to someone else, went my narrative, it's just that she can't satisfy me. Why should she complain when I'm giving her orgasm after orgasm. I'm the one that has to finish things when I come home and can settle in for an hour or two of japanese dysfunction.
So today it's been a month on my latest stretch. I've removed normal 'porn' from my days. Now I'm down to some weird youtube phenomenon where they film pretty chinese girls talking about cars. Can't understand a fucking word but they often have some shoe play going and that's porn to me. So fucking hard to just stop. Goal is no climax outside of a committed relationship. Starting there. Hoping I can keep that going at least.
Using poker chips to count the days. Keep them in a bowl by my jack-off station. Something to represent what I'm throwing away besides the self respect and trust from a patient partner that seems so ephemeral when you are in the moment and the dopamine starts to flow.
