My wife’s reaction to me telling her I’m quitting porn wasn’t what I hoped

[reboot_8716]

When I told my wife that I was quitting porn and had been abstaining now for almost a month her immediate reaction was to withdraw away from me and tell me that she felt that “puts a lot of pressure” on her.

Hearing this I was initially disheartened and then honestly pissed off. I understand that my own addictive behaviours have made me pester for sex before to points where it irritated her, but this just makes me feel like she’d rather me jerk off to porn as long as it means she doesn’t have to be intimate with me. How am I supposed to be okay with that? It makes me not want to even bother trying to rebuild intimacy with her.

I’m still committed to quitting porn because ultimately I’m doing it for me, not her, but this was definitely a disappointing thing to hear and makes me feel unwanted in my marriage.

 

[MovingForward-Now]

I'm sorry to hear this man.
I also told my girlfriend ... she was supportive but also honest and told me that this was something I need to work on.
It can be that she is stressed and just tries to tell you that this challenge is something we have to overcome our selfs ... maybe she feels you blame her or she feels stress and is dealing with issues her self.

I think what to do is best to really form the best version of your self ... and then also be honest she needs to be there for you at some point and maybe she is a negative influnance in your life?

For me I have been thinking that maybe It would be good for me to be single and go beat my addiction by my self and then find a new girl that will see the new me ... I love my current gir to much but this can be a move you make.

 

[reboot_8716]

I'm sorry to hear this man.
I also told my girlfriend ... she was supportive but also honest and told me that this was something I need to work on.
It can be that she is stressed and just tries to tell you that this challenge is something we have to overcome our selfs ... maybe she feels you blame her or she feels stress and is dealing with issues her self.

I think what to do is best to really form the best version of your self ... and then also be honest she needs to be there for you at some point and maybe she is a negative influnance in your life?

For me I have been thinking that maybe It would be good for me to be single and go beat my addiction by my self and then find a new girl that will see the new me ... I love my current gir to much but this can be a move you make.

I think the equation is a little different when you’re married versus just dating someone. We have a house, dog, joint assets, etc. — it’s not a simple decision to get divorced, nor is this something I think that ultimately warrants that. But I do wish I had tackled this problem earlier in my life, because I definitely think porn has been a big factor in creating a lot of tension and stress around our intimacy in general.

my wife doesn’t have as high of a libido as me (and mine was also probably artificially increased through porn) and so there became a dynamic where I was always asking for and wanting more sex and increasingly extreme types of it, which she felt obliged to do because otherwise my mood would be shitty. And then when she started to voice that my answer was to just bury all of my desires into porn for a long time. But that just made it even more strained, not to mention the fact that it gave me PIED. So then when we did try to be intimate it wouldn’t work anyway. So I can understand her frustration of having a partner who’s seemingly never satisfied but also can’t perform anyway.

i don’t think she fully understands or appreciates how damaging porn can be, she probably feels my natural libido and my porn-accelerated urges are the same and thus worries that me cutting out porn won’t lead to any behavioural changes in my own sex appetite, but instead just me demanding more and more from her. But I told her that’s not the case, and I pointed out I haven’t even asked her for sex once in the last month.

I definitely think sometimes that it would be easier to start a new relationship without all of the baggage and taking the hard lessons I’ve learned in this one, not to mention finding someone who just matches my higher libido, but I also love my wife for a million other reasons and feel it would be selfish, short sighted and wrong to end our marriage over this. I need to work through it and have hope things can eventually change. All relationships change over time too — we used to have a lot of casual and easy sex, but being with someone for 7 years changes things slowly over time.

 

[PowerCycling]

Hey reboot_8716, sorry to hear about the struggles with your marriage. I'm in my early 30's and would love to settle down, find a loving partner and best friend to go through life with, and start a family -- but I'm terrified of ending up in your exact situation. Unfortunately I don't think there are any easy answers here, but at least a dead bedroom is a common problem so there are many others sharing this struggle. You may find useful advice from kindred spirits on reddit's r/deadbedrooms.

At the end of the day all you can control are your own actions. I agree with your focus on quitting porn and trying to get yourself to a healthier place in mind and body.

 

[Deleted member 26092]

Give her time and work on it by yourself. Under these circumstances, she is the victim here. You are on the right path.

 

[reboot_8716]

Hey reboot_8716, sorry to hear about the struggles with your marriage. I'm in my early 30's and would love to settle down, find a loving partner and best friend to go through life with, and start a family -- but I'm terrified of ending up in your exact situation. Unfortunately I don't think there are any easy answers here, but at least a dead bedroom is a common problem so there are many others sharing this struggle. You may find useful advice from kindred spirits on reddit's r/deadbedrooms.

At the end of the day all you can control are your own actions. I agree with your focus on quitting porn and trying to get yourself to a healthier place in mind and body.

I’ve been to that subreddit and it’s just depressing in general. Also my situation thankfully isn’t as bad as most of them so it just makes me feel like a jerk for complaining

 

[reboot_8716]

Give her time and work on it by yourself. Under these circumstances, she is the victim here. You are on the right path.

I think we’re both victims of the other in different ways but there’s absolutely things that I did to help turn this dynamic into what it’s become. The hardest part is not letting short sighted emotions get the better of me. It’s hard to be in a good mood and generally easy going / loving with this hanging over my head, but me being more distant and withdrawn only pushes her farther away in terms of any desire to be intimate.

 

[reboot_8716]

Update on this — as it turns out I had misinterpreted what she said. Shen she told me it was a lot of pressure I made the presumption she meant sexual intimacy. She later clarified when we got into an argument about my sour mood that what she actually meant was talking about the subject at that specific time (I brought it up when we were in the middle of some chores) felt like a lot to handle.

For one I feel stupid but this is also emblematic of the relationship issues we’ve been having. I say something, she reacts, I misinterpret but rather than clarify shut down which turns me into a bad mood, which makes her less interested in being intimate with me in the first place.

i really need to work on addressing my negative disposition in life because it’s going to ruin my marriage if I don’t.

 

[LionHeart]

Update on this — as it turns out I had misinterpreted what she said. Shen she told me it was a lot of pressure I made the presumption she meant sexual intimacy. She later clarified when we got into an argument about my sour mood that what she actually meant was talking about the subject at that specific time (I brought it up when we were in the middle of some chores) felt like a lot to handle.

For one I feel stupid but this is also emblematic of the relationship issues we’ve been having. I say something, she reacts, I misinterpret but rather than clarify shut down which turns me into a bad mood, which makes her less interested in being intimate with me in the first place.

i really need to work on addressing my negative disposition in life because it’s going to ruin my marriage if I don’t.

I'm pretty sure you will be better man when you just keep going and don't go back to porn. We used to fight and argue with my woman quite a lot when i was doing PMO, but since i quit we have been having sex and cuddling etc. way more and guess what? NO FIGHTS ANYMORE. Just few minor misunderstandings which went away very quickly and we were back to hugging and kissing and teasing and shit we have been together over 15 years and we have few kids. Since my reboot started we have been like teens who have recently fallen in love. My reboot has been far more beneficial than i could ever imagine. And i believe it will be for you as well.

I'm glad that my dick works even when i'm crawling through flatline at the moment. My libido is gone.. man this sucks balls. I believe it will return before day 90.

 

[reboot_8716]

I'm pretty sure you will be better man when you just keep going and don't go back to porn. We used to fight and argue with my woman quite a lot when i was doing PMO, but since i quit we have been having sex and cuddling etc. way more and guess what? NO FIGHTS ANYMORE. Just few minor misunderstandings which went away very quickly and we were back to hugging and kissing and teasing and shit we have been together over 15 years and we have few kids. Since my reboot started we have been like teens who have recently fallen in love. My reboot has been far more beneficial than i could ever imagine. And i believe it will be for you as well.

I'm glad that my dick works even when i'm crawling through flatline at the moment. My libido is gone.. man this sucks balls. I believe it will return before day 90.

I hope so, I think I have other things I need to work on too related to my overall mood and demeanour but this can’t hurt and very likely helps. I’ve burned a lot of trust with my wife and so I need to be patient and recognize it’ll take time for it to come back

 

[TurningAway]

I hope so, I think I have other things I need to work on too related to my overall mood and demeanour but this can’t hurt and very likely helps. I’ve burned a lot of trust with my wife and so I need to be patient and recognize it’ll take time for it to come back

I don't know your exact situation, but I want to share some things that helped me and my marriage start working through porn addiction. I suggest you step back and try to understand that your wife may be going through betrayal trauma, her world has been turned upside down, and if you were hiding porn use from her, she will feel like she doesn't know you and can't trust you. The relationship has to be rebuilt emotionally, then the rest will heal too. Intimacy is more psychological and emotional, porn teaches us it is sex, but we hide ourselves and emotions from others with porn and only think about sex. For a good relationship, sex shouldn't be a focus, rather it happens because of how close you both feel emotionally, and this can take time after porn use is discovered. I highly recommend 'Path for Men' and 'Bloom for Women' websites, they have tons of free content that really dives into understanding the relationship and healing emotionally, they have changed my life, my marriage and my outlook about sex, which coincidently has improved as my wife and I have become closer, talk more, communicate about hard thoughts and topics openly, but without driving toward sex.

I wish you the best on your journey to quit porn and change your life and marriage.

 

[reboot_8716]

I don't know your exact situation, but I want to share some things that helped me and my marriage start working through porn addiction. I suggest you step back and try to understand that your wife may be going through betrayal trauma, her world has been turned upside down, and if you were hiding porn use from her, she will feel like she doesn't know you and can't trust you. The relationship has to be rebuilt emotionally, then the rest will heal too. Intimacy is more psychological and emotional, porn teaches us it is sex, but we hide ourselves and emotions from others with porn and only think about sex. For a good relationship, sex shouldn't be a focus, rather it happens because of how close you both feel emotionally, and this can take time after porn use is discovered. I highly recommend 'Path for Men' and 'Bloom for Women' websites, they have tons of free content that really dives into understanding the relationship and healing emotionally, they have changed my life, my marriage and my outlook about sex, which coincidently has improved as my wife and I have become closer, talk more, communicate about hard thoughts and topics openly, but without driving toward sex.

I wish you the best on your journey to quit porn and change your life and marriage.

Thanks for the reply. The longer I’ve reflected on it the more obvious it’s become that porn has been at the root of so many of my intimacy issues and I’ve failed to recognize it. My wife does know about my porn use but has always held the opinion that she’d rather me use that than pester her all the time for sex, although that just created resentment from me because of the addiction and less emotional intimacy which is what she wants from me.

if I think back, porn was shaping the way I approached sex from the very start of the relationship. Pretty quickly on I started pushing for us to try kinkier things in bed. First it was me trying her hands, then it was using a gag, then it was her pegging me, then tying me up AND pegging me, then chastity play, etc.

Over time I kept wanting crazier and crazier sex and was asking for it more and more, also feeling less connected and satisfied with her. When she pushed back and said she didn’t want that to be all we did, I withdrew back to porn and stopped trying to be intimate. I took it as the sex positive “this is what I like and you’re not being a supportive partner” line of thinking even though I was actually the one not supporting her, she was literally willing to try almost anything I asked.

She’s even let me go visit a professional dominatrix, and has let me have sex with a guy because I felt like I needed it to be happy. And while sure I got a rush from those things, they never changed my mentality coming back to our own intimacy not being satisfying enough for me.

I was also always comparing our marriage to my relationship in college, where we had sex multiple times a day and did lots of kinky things together. I would attribute our lacklustre sex life compared to my college one as a compatibility issue. But if I think back, I also didn’t masturbate or watch as much porn then. If I did watch porn it was usually with my partner. We were also younger, and the relationship wasn’t build around much other than hanging out and having sex, as college ones often can be.

Its obvious when I stop and think about it that I was feeding a dopamine addiction constantly with these things and ignoring everything else. I also smoked cannabis daily from age 15-30 (over a year sober now), so my brain was really used to elevated dopamine levels, to the point I couldn’t feel joy in almost anything if I wasn’t high or masturbating.

I am getting better. I used to hate going to see family for dinners, always felt like a waste of time when I could be getting high, now I actually enjoy it a lot. I’m hopeful that the hypersexuality id been creating since adolescence will go away in time, and things will improve. But I know it’s a long and difficult road I need to go down.

 

[SoberRich]

OP 8716, communication is a MUST in any romantic relationship. You dropped the ball trying to talk about it over chores and should have asked to talk about it at another time. But also, she has to be aware of how important sex is in a marriage. Unless there are things that make it difficult to be sexually intimate, like young children, then a discussion about sex is not off the table. It is very important that you approach the topic the right way. You are not saying that she "has to have sex with you" or that you are giving her orders. This isn't about anyone being subordinate. But sex is absolutely vital in a happy, healthy marriage. Tell her to talk to people. Show her articles from actual therapists talking about how important it is. It is important that you say you are not trying to put pressure on her. It isn't about do this now, or else! It is about having a healthy marriage. Do not rush her. Ask her what you can do to get the sexual attraction back in the marriage. Ask her what you can do to rebuild trust and intimacy (general intimacy, you have to rebuild emotional intimacy before you even think about sex). This isn't a race. Don't treat it like one. But at the same time, don't maintain the stalemate. Best of luck!

 

[reboot_8716]

OP 8716, communication is a MUST in any romantic relationship. You dropped the ball trying to talk about it over chores and should have asked to talk about it at another time. But also, she has to be aware of how important sex is in a marriage. Unless there are things that make it difficult to be sexually intimate, like young children, then a discussion about sex is not off the table. It is very important that you approach the topic the right way. You are not saying that she "has to have sex with you" or that you are giving her orders. This isn't about anyone being subordinate. But sex is absolutely vital in a happy, healthy marriage. Tell her to talk to people. Show her articles from actual therapists talking about how important it is. It is important that you say you are not trying to put pressure on her. It isn't about do this now, or else! It is about having a healthy marriage. Do not rush her. Ask her what you can do to get the sexual attraction back in the marriage. Ask her what you can do to rebuild trust and intimacy (general intimacy, you have to rebuild emotional intimacy before you even think about sex). This isn't a race. Don't treat it like one. But at the same time, don't maintain the stalemate. Best of luck!

thanks. Things are improving. A big part is my own attitude, and the longer I’ve abstained from porn the more appreciative I’m becoming. But we’ve also had some intimacy since I posted this. She’s helping me to work through my performance anxiety and I’m feeling hopeful that it will continue to get better.