To be a better version of myself.

[Burnside627]

I have so much that I want to say and to spill it out all at once is a lot. So I can take my time to tell my story and journey one day at a time. To get better one day at a time. Hopefully get people out there interested and know that there is more than just me against the world. As a collective some are here to get better or not know they want to get better. In denial that they have a problem or feel like they are hopeless. If this is truly what you want you can do it. I want to truly be the best version for myself. In doing that it will make many areas of my life better.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 1
Fully commiting after only meeting myself halfway with getting clean for a couple of years. Installed covenanteyes to hold myself accountable with my wife on what I am using the internet for. Also set parental controls with her having the password. To me it’s necessary right now. I have broken trust with her and as of today she is 95% sure she does not want to be married to me after 9 years of being with each other and having two amazing daughters.

I’m not quitting porn to win her affections back. I am doing it for me. Doing this for me will make me better. A better person and in turn make me a better husband and an even greater father.

 

[Chuckles]

I hope that you two can work it out. It's a lot to ask if she's that far gone already, but I hope that either way you can get healthier

 

[Burnside627]

I hope that you two can work it out. It's a lot to ask if she's that far gone already, but I hope that either way you can get healthier

I try to stay as positive as I can about the situation. We are cordial enough when I see each other. We both do love each other, but I have broken her trust and she just can’t be with me emotionally and intimately currently. We are seeking counseling separately(before this happened) and as a couple.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 2
February 14th is a very emotional day for me. I proposed to my wife today. Against her wishes I proposed. She never wanted me to do it today since it associated with a holiday, but man I was so nervous and could not hold it in. In my mind I always wanted the 15th to be the day I asked my wife to marry me.

Today was emotionally tumultuous and drained the life from me. I spent time with my daughters and enjoyed the time. I shared dinner with my family after a lengthy conversation over the phone with my wife where she brought up my porn use. The fact that I use it to regulate my mood and escape reality really was something she is disgusted with. I get it. It’s not something “normal” people do. I have done it because it is such an escape that temporarily I feel great. It has always made me feel good to make myself feel good. PMO was the answer. Now it isn’t.

After the evening was over to where I am staying had my head spinning. It’s fucked up how I was so depressed leaving my family and home that all I could focus on was how to make myself feel good. My head kept saying”just watch porn, just jerk off.” On repeat. That is not good. That is not healthy. It got me even more depressed. I’m physically exhausted and just know that is adding to my feelings of wanting to pleasure myself, but instead I’m going to finish this entry, turn on my rain sounds and go to bed. Another day down and many more to go to stopping this habit.

 

[GeminiMan]

@Burnside627 I had read about people loosing vital things in their life because of PMO or P substitutes. This is so real . I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am also in late 30s married with kids . My wife knows about my P substitute uses but has told me I am on my own when it comes to quitting or recovering from it . She doesn’t trust anymore that I am being truthful with my internet use . I need to get sober for two reasons here
1. Being worthy of my life in my own eyes .
2. Being worthy of a marriage and a family that still stays intact by gods grace despite my dark shadows created by P and P substitute usage still lingering behind my decent man Face .

 

[Burnside627]

Day 3

There was not much of a desire for PMO today since I was completely exhausted from work. Luckily the project I was working on gave me enough drive to keep me from thinking into porn thoughts.

Before I went to my house(I’m currently staying at my mothers house. My wife and I are separated as I am facing the consequences of my addiction) I showered and laid on the bed in the nude. Of course I wanted to relax, but decided I should get fully dressed before anything really had a chance to “take off”.

I enjoyed a dinner with my family at my house. Following dinner my wife and I spoke with my therapist(we are seeking counseling right now to decide what our future may be). I sat there mostly reflecting on how my addiction has cost me my family at this point in time. That I am helpless and to seek help for sex/porn addiction.

At a future date I will acknowledge what I did to earn my wife losing her complete trust in me. All of which is seated in porn/sex addiction. That I seek pleasure wherever pleasure lies.

another day for me being clean from PMO. Physically in pain. Physically exhausted. Emotionally empty. Ready for my bed time routine and to embrace tomorrow whatever comes.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 4
After going to sleep early I woke up and did not have any urges. Although when I do wake up I am always grabbing myself. I guess it’s to make sure it didn’t fall off while I was sleeping. I have never really been one to PMO in the morning, but have in the past on occasion. Breakfast, pack lunch, drive to work, miss my first turn, park, walk in, be “productive”, and then head home.

Sometimes while I have been at work I have had the urge to watch porn. I have in the past, but with me wanting to be clean now I just focused on what I had to do and keep my mind out of it.

Called a friend on the way home and he communicated he is stressed about his small business. I wanted to say to him,”hey don’t cope with the stress like I do by jerking off.” Then again he is a “normal”. I’m a person that uses PMO to relieve stress. Which at the end of our conversation I showered and THOUGHT about pleasuring myself, but in better judgement said no. After all I was on my way headed to my house to help my family . Our older daughter was sent home from day care with a fever.

I arrived at the house and really was feeling good. I resisted wanting to relax and unwind from porn and was just feeling really in an overall good mood. I still am right now. Prepared dinner for the family and sat down and we talked and had a good time. Almost as if the past month of me being separated from my wife never happened.

My wife and I started to talk alone and the conversation was normal. I was speaking what was on my mind and it was great. While actively using porn I have a shitty attitude and I lie to her. I have nothing to lie about now. I made her smile and it made me smile. I was happy.

After all was done we hugged goodnight and I got a goodnight peck on the cheek which was the first time she kissed me since the night everything came to a head.(I kissed her a week after we were separated and that was not a good thing). My drive home I spoke with a friend that knew thing between my family weren’t good as I usually respond to him when he messages me. We spoke and I was feeling at peace.

As I lay in bed winding down I feel great today in general. I am getting over my cold(which may have been withdrawals who knows) and relaxing. Did I still have an urge to day for porn? Yes. Did I really want to MO? Absolutely. I just mindfully avoided it by focusing my attention to where it really needed to be at the time. I focused more on positives than negatives.

 

[particularly_respecting]

Dude, you got this

I’m not quitting porn to win her affections back. I am doing it for me. Doing this for me will make me better. A better person and in turn make me a better husband and an even greater father.

This is absolutely the right attitude - work on yourself and the rest will follow.
Take it day by day, but try not to lose sight of the end goal. I'm trying to do the same myself!

 

[Chuckles]

Day 4
After going to sleep early I woke up and did not have any urges. Although when I do wake up I am always grabbing myself. I guess it’s to make sure it didn’t fall off while I was sleeping. I have never really been one to PMO in the morning, but have in the past on occasion. Breakfast, pack lunch, drive to work, miss my first turn, park, walk in, be “productive”, and then head home.

Sometimes while I have been at work I have had the urge to watch porn. I have in the past, but with me wanting to be clean now I just focused on what I had to do and keep my mind out of it.

Called a friend on the way home and he communicated he is stressed about his small business. I wanted to say to him,”hey don’t cope with the stress like I do by jerking off.” Then again he is a “normal”. I’m a person that uses PMO to relieve stress. Which at the end of our conversation I showered and THOUGHT about pleasuring myself, but in better judgement said no. After all I was on my way headed to my house to help my family . Our older daughter was sent home from day care with a fever.

I arrived at the house and really was feeling good. I resisted wanting to relax and unwind from porn and was just feeling really in an overall good mood. I still am right now. Prepared dinner for the family and sat down and we talked and had a good time. Almost as if the past month of me being separated from my wife never happened.

My wife and I started to talk alone and the conversation was normal. I was speaking what was on my mind and it was great. While actively using porn I have a shitty attitude and I lie to her. I have nothing to lie about now. I made her smile and it made me smile. I was happy.

After all was done we hugged goodnight and I got a goodnight peck on the cheek which was the first time she kissed me since the night everything came to a head.(I kissed her a week after we were separated and that was not a good thing). My drive home I spoke with a friend that knew thing between my family weren’t good as I usually respond to him when he messages me. We spoke and I was feeling at peace.

As I lay in bed winding down I feel great today in general. I am getting over my cold(which may have been withdrawals who knows) and relaxing. Did I still have an urge to day for porn? Yes. Did I really want to MO? Absolutely. I just mindfully avoided it by focusing my attention to where it really needed to be at the time. I focused more on positives than negatives.

Damn dude that's inspirational. Keep it up!

 

[Burnside627]

Day 5.
My day turned out alright. The typical work stuff. Spent a lot of time in the work van today driving from job site to job site. I would wander off while driving and just have”shower thoughts”. Ya know the ones where just everything is going on. Porn came to mind and I brushed it off. My porn sobriety stepped in and I thought about how I am taking this serious this time. Thoughts of my wife and how I’m so deeply in love with her. The fact that I can’t be intimate with my wife until she is ready which may never happen. For good reason.

My porn habit got to a point where when I was younger I had a friend that I pretty much coerced into coming over to my house and watching porn with me. He is that friend that didn’t know any better. We eventually ended up watching more porn together and then progressed to masturbating together while watching pornography. This relationship was maintained while I dated, but eventually went away. But it didn’t. It came back. It came back at a time in my life when I should be faithful to one person.

Now mind you we have never physically touched each other. I am not into men sexually but I do acknowledge good looking men. I am interested in Trans Women but then again would not want to be with one sexually.

We resumed our relationship with sexting. But it was basically sharing static images, sending pictures of our genitals, he would send me pictures of his wife, and just what I know now as unhealthy conversation. I know he has been with men and I used that to charge the conversation into a certain way and I asked him how many men he could be with at once. It then spurred out from there and it’s just a whirlwind of things that were said that should have never taken place.

Why did I do these things and have this kind of relationship with one of my childhood friends?
I wanted to. I was sitting there pleasuring myself and I got off on the fact that I can make someone do what I told them to do. That the conversation was so outlandish it elevated my porn use to another level. That I can involve someone in my sick world. That I took advantage of someone I knew as a kid and warped his reality. That makes me a shitty person. Then for my wife to read these sexy messages and cause me to be separated from her and my family.

can I blame her? Absolutely not. This was my undoing, but it can get better as long as I get better first. That I don’t start off on something that I know is totally out of my control. I cannot control my porn use and everything it can lead me too. By me not PMO will put me into a better place in my life.

 

[Chuckles]

Glad your day went alright.
That's pretty heavy stuff. I hope that your friend and hopefully your wife can forgive you for that. And that you can forgive yourself.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 6(yesterday)

overall excellent day. I am back at the house with my family while I work on our bathroom. I was really in the mood for PMO. Like super bad. My wife is honestly the most beautiful person I have ever met. That being said since we aren’t sexually active. That of course is due to my infidelity. It makes my urge for PMO stronger, but that will just be a setback in my overall recovery.

I have noticed that my overall mood is improving. That I have been very optimistic. I feel more relaxed when it comes to certain situation. Also I am dealing with my anxiety and not resorting to P to help me get my dopamine hit to regulate me.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 7(yesterday)
Lagging behind on posting,but for good reasons.


I got to wake up in my home with my family. My daughter slept with me on the couch. When moments like that occur, if I’m thinking of PMO I am highly repulsed, but I couldn’t control them. Now I’m working on that. I have had urges throughout the day where I got curios. My head saying,”let’s see if you can get a rock hard erection without P.” Yeah I can in just not trying it.

I told my wife last night that since we are not being intimate and I’m going through hard mode, it is actually a relief. The fact that I KNOW I’m not going to be sexually intimate with my wife makes it easier on me. Almost like what would the point be for me to fantasize about being in bed with her when I know it’s not going to happen for a long time or even ever again. In the past this is something that would HIGHLY aggravate me, but I’m accepting it. I get it. I broke her trust and we can’t be intimate. I need to get better so I am staying away from PMO.

in the meantime we are functioning very well. I’m getting to see my daughters daily after almost a month of being away from them. A lot of stuff to be grateful for without porn in my life. Another thing I notice is that without being burdened by looking for my dopamine, I’m just smiling. Like real smiles. I used to have this face all the time of “complacency” or “resting bitch face”. I just feel happier. A lot of happy things in my life.

As for today I am going to be working on our bathroom. One shower in the house so it adds a lot of challenges as far as getting four people clean. I’m going to stay away from PMO. Not going to think about that rush of dopamine. Let my brain heal. Stay positive. Make an effort to not pass out before writing my entry for the day.

one day at a time. Just don’t do it.

 

[Chuckles]

It sounds like you're healing. I'm happy for you

 

[Burnside627]

Day 8

@Chuckles I am definitely healing.

I wanted to PMO for a couple of fleeting seconds today. Of course I didn’t. I was so busy working on my bathroom with an old friend. My wife at one point was trying to inject her opinions. In a good way she was trying to help. The old me would have had a short fuse, but I worked it out and was civil enough about it.

when I am in my PMO state I can tell I have a short temper. That I’m irritable and just want to be left alone to orgasm into oblivion. Just keep going and going. I was HEAVY into edging and on top of that using Amyl Nitrates to keep me in a head space. Amyl Nitrates are Poppers. Please for the love of god don’t ever EVER use them.

I’m so grateful today for everything that I accomplished. That I was so amicable with my wife. She is sitting next to me while I write about my day. One thing I would have loved to do was spend more time with my daughters. At least have my older one more involved.

Until tomorrow everyone. Keep your head above water and keep it in your heart that it is you that decides to stay clean.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 9(yesterday)

I wanted to write down how I was feeling yesterday, but the day escaped me. Getting back into the normal routine of being at home with my family is definitely nice. Yesterday afternoon I was feeling like I really needed to M. I expressed how I felt to my wife and she ended up getting my mind off it. Thankfully she was there.

it was just that I felt stressed and overwhelmed. That it would really feel good if I just MO, but I knew in the long run it wouldn’t help me. We ended up going out and running a lot of errands so my thoughts quickly faded.

I did get to speak with my therapist and that always helps. I told her that I am doing no PMO and she asked me how I felt about that. I instantly said of course I would love to do all of it, but I can’t. I can’t even in moderation because I will obsess over the fact of when can I get my next O. I have a problem and not going into my old routines will keep me clean.

 

[Chuckles]

Honestly it makes me happy to hear your progress. Makes me feel like I can do it to, ya know?

 

[Burnside627]

Day 10

@Chuckles we have a lot to be happy for and grateful for. Small attainable goals. We are human though.

today the urge for M was so great. Getting changed after work. Taking a shower. I just wanted to give myself satisfaction. For what though? Am I going to set myself back? Am I going to be ok? Is my wife really going to accept me MO without P?

those are all questions I don’t want to answer. The best way for me not to answer them is to not even think of PMO.

today went pretty well besides that. Enjoyed time with my family. The bathroom is coming along and hopefully I’ll be able to go into the space fresh.

people, places, things. Something I picked up in AA. Being in a space where you took up your addictive behavior can lead you back to your addictive behavior. I indulged a lot of time in the bathroom. Now I leave my phone outside the bathroom. I actually tend to not have my phone on me now

another day down. Feeling good. I can say this though, wether I am sick or my brain is healing, I’ve had a killer headache for 8 out of the past 10 days.

 

[Burnside627]

Day 11

no P. High temptation to M. My wife is even to tell me to M without P. It’s almost saying that I can but I don’t want to sit in at the barber shop. Sitting there long enough I’m eventually gonna want a hair cut. If I do M am I going to not watch P. Will it be enough.

Outside of that stress, work went very well. My relationship with my wife is getting better. I have to “court” her. If anyone has any ideas on that I will greatly accept them.

my oldest daughter had a blast when we took her to the arcade and she did the best out of the family.

now back home and ready to end day 11.