Day 43 - Update on my journey and PE issues

43 days free from porn now and yesterday was the first time I was both intimate with myself and my partner for a month.

It had been 28 days since any MO and I knew sex would be on the table given we were celebrating Valentine’s Day. Given that and because I didn’t want to have too much pent up sexual energy I decided I would engage in mindful masturbation with myself prior to our date. Within seconds of beginning to pleasure myself and before having any real erection I felt my ejaculatory reflex kicking in. I started and stopped a few times, releasing some fluid without feeling a full orgasm. Eventually I did get hard but again it only took 4-5 pumps before I came, and it was the largest volume I’d probably ever emitted in my life.

cut to later in the night and I had the same PE problems. I tried to stack everything in my favor to feel less stressed about performance as I could. I took half of a cialis, I used a condom and I used a delay spray to try and avoid the PE. none of it mattered. I was rock hard until I put on the condom, then went soft, and as she was pumping be back up to full mast my brain rushed to ejaculate. My heart was racing the entire time so clearly I was stressed and nervous, but this level of PE I’m experiencing also feels like a deeper issue, so I’m going to look into seeing a urologist about it. I’m sure it’s stress related in part, but I wasn’t stressed when I was masturbating and the same thing still happened. It’s never been this bad before where I have essentially 0 stamina.

I have read that low levels of serotonin in the brain can cause PE. I used to be on anti depressants for about a year before going off of them, and sometimes I wonder if that led to a brain change that affected how much my brain produces. But at the same time, I got off of those 2 years ago and this problem has gotten significantly worse only in the last 6-8 months.

My wife was very supportive overall. She hugged me, told me it was okay and that we’d try again tomorrow (which is now today). So we’ll see how it goes.

Either way, zero desire to return to porn. I just want my confidence back with my wife.
Update — spoke to a urologist today, they can prescribe me a low dose of anti depressant and did say it’s possible they changed my Brains response to orgasm before, although it’s most likely still stress induced.

Considering taking it, the biggest concern is that I’m a periodic user of psilocybin as a natural way to treat anxiety and depression and I’m pretty sure I’d have to give that up if I were to get on an SSRI again. But worth thinking about.