I have been stuck in Shame

[TurningAway]

I have realized that I am still on a long journey, trying to leave my shame behind and stop avoiding my real addiction. Escaping. I have successfully stopped porn for 5 months with no relapses of PMO or even masturbation. The real issue is my wife has forgiven me and I haven't been able to forgive myself and have looked for reasons to feel shame and sabotage our relationship. Now it is hanging on by a thread, because I have struggled to face reality and face her feelings, and where we are really at, having to rebuild from the ground up.

I triggered myself into shame when I took a sex addiction assessment even yesterday, I answered 'no' to the majority of the questions, but still used it as a reason to trigger shame and avoid moving forward and facing my addiction - avoiding feelings. It's what put me into this addiction in the first place. I have realized that I have been avoiding every hard conversation and only think about porn when I unconsciously want to avoid feelings or doing the hard work and sharing my deepest thoughts with my wife, and myself. I have also realized I always felt like I might not be good enough for my wife and have looked for ways to withdraw as if I was waiting for her to leave me, and she stood by me even after porn, I still unknowingly pushed her away.

I am sharing this with everyone to get it off my chest, and hope it helps someone else. Face your inner demons and thoughts, share them, don't be caught on the verge of throwing away those you love over porn or shame, own and accept who you are and move forward - make the journey.

I now see my path forward and what I want, I want my wife back, a stronger relationship and am focused on achieving that goal. I have help from a therapist, and I know it will be a clunky journey, I am committed.

 

[Onmyway19]

I too am fighting the shame battle. Quitting porn has been the easy part so far. The difficulty lies in facing the hurt and disconnect I created with my wife, and even my children and other relationships. Knowing what I know after researching this addiction and reading through these forums helps, but also makes me wonder what took me so long to get here. My wife has been extremely understanding, though I don't feel like I deserve it still some days. As much as I want to move forward, this takes time. Porn didn't ravage our brains over night, and they won't be repaired from that by quitting overnight either. My focus has been on being present with my family and openly discussing the things that brought me to this point, no matter how painful or shameful they may be. It's something we have to face to get where we want to be. It's not even been 3 weeks for me but I've learned in that short time, there are no shortcuts. Keep doing the work and focus on making sure the people in your life know how you feel about them and prove it every day. Make the effort,even when that shame monster is over your shoulders berating you. He'll become smaller each time you fight past it, and eventually you'll have your life back and will have built the habits necessary to keep it that way. Good luck to you, try to remember you're not alone in this and not to be so hard on ourselves.. we're only human