Becoming a Better Man - From Partial to a Full Reboot

[Kumb]

Hello! This is going to be my journal as I have just decided that porn is not going to be a part of my life anymore.

I want to start apologizing for my bad English. It is not my main language.

I am 24 now but let's start when I was 10.
I was just a little boy that started to discover his body. I started masturbating with just my imagination. How would I know that would be the start of everything?

At 12 I discovered porn but I did not really like it because I felt it was disgusting because some how internet porn felt so fake to me. I did masturbate with porn sometimes, though. And as time went by, I started 'getting used' and actually enjoying what I used to find a bit disgusting.

It was at 14 that things started to get bad as I got a really good internet connection. I went from masturbating once a week to masturbating every day and then to masturbating multiple times a day. All with porn.

At 15 I got my first girlfriend. After dating her for about a year we started to become sexually active. The funny thing is that she was the one that took the initiative. I was so hooked into porn that, although I got excited when we kissed or hugged, it just never occurred to me that we could have sex (It's a shame I could not see that porn was affecting me that much back then, but now I can see how pathetic porn made me at that time). Sex was fine with her but we split up after a couple of months after we started having sex. I started masturbating even more with porn.

I went to a masturbating machine mode until I was 19 and got another girlfriend.  When we tried to have sex I just did not get excited. This was the hardest part of my life I think. She was really cool and stayed with me for about a year. We tried to have sex LOTS of times and we only managed to do it once(The time we managed to do it I was in masturbation abstinence for two weeks). I was so frustrated and depressed that I had to dump her. I went to a stage that I could not trust myself and my body anymore.

So I told everything to my folks and they were very supporting. I saw an urologist and everything was ok with me so he sent me to a sex psychologist. I did not like it at first(it's not easy to tell a woman you are seeing for the first time that you are a porn addict), but after some struggle I can say that she was one of the best things that have ever happened to me. She really changed my life and I started masturbating a lot less. My life improved in all areas. I started going to gym and got fit. My friends and family started liking me more and I went from the worst student of my class to become the top one.

At 21 I got another girlfriend. I really wanted to have sex with her but I did not want to screw everything up again. So I just told her everything that had happened to me since the beginning of our relationship and she was very supportive. I really felt prepared to have sex with her, but I did not want to rush. She was ok with that and so we just started very slowly. Our first few tries failed because I got a little nervous, but soon we managed to do it and it was heaven. We had a great sex life during our relationship. After one year we split up again and I went back to porn.

It was reasonable, though. I was aware of the risks of porn and did not watch so often. I hooked up with a couple of strangers and sex was fine. Though I did not get erections from flirting and kissing them, sex was fine.

At 23 I got another girlfriend (who is still with me). For some strange reason this girl makes me really hard, even just seeing her or listening her voice can get me hard.(much harder than every one before, even though I still see porn). I did not get excited when we tried sex for the first time, though. But from our second time and onward it was the best sex ever. Our sex life is really great and we have great quality sex every time. BUT I was stupid to continue watching porn.

For some reason I continued watching porn. More kinkier porn and really things that I really did not like it: e.g CD/TV porn.
Then sex was still great with her but sometimes I just was unable to orgasm.

I am abroad for quite some time now(will only see my girl on December, and then probably only next September) and I decided to Fully reboot forever. I believe I was partially rebooted when I started to go the psychologist, but now I am going for a Full Reboot. Porn is banned.
I want to fully reboot to become a better man. I know I can't stand to watch any porn at all or I will become addicted again. I do not want this. Porn is not a part of my life from now.

I will start to go to the gym again. I will socialize more. Unfortunately I can't get rid of my computer because I work with it. But from now on I will only use it in public places and I will have porn blocking software. I will post updates here (probably daily).

I am going to do hard mode until I go back to my country. I am not sure what I am going to do when my girl comes to visit me, though. I think I will probably have sex with her, but I want some opinions on that.

I could use a accountability buddy if anyone is interested.
Any tips, comments, feedback, help or asking for help is welcome.

 

[Username]

As in some other cases, I can recognize lots of similar elements of your personal story in mine.
I appreciate your honesty and wish you all the best on your way to regain control of this part of your life.
You already know what you can accomplish without being distracted by porn, so there's no point in dwelling on that aspect.
Welcome to the forum and may the force be with you!

I want to start apologizing for my bad English. It is not my main language.

Please, be reasonable. Your English is perfectly fine. Remember, we're on the internet where evry1 talkz like zis ya know??!? ^___^

Nah, seriously. I'm a non-native speaker myself and try not to worry about it anymore. Bear in mind that you can only become fluent if you get rid of your fear to make mistakes - everybody makes them. I'm currently living in the UK and the locals sometimes violate their language to an extent that makes me cringe. ,-)

 

[Kumb]

Thank you for your reply, mate!
I guess you are right. I am also in the UK and hate when I see locals speaking sooo wrongly.  ;D

 

[Yelashade]

Mate, I'm with Username on this one. I see elements on your story that, while they might not have happened in mine, it is something that I can relate to quite strongly.

Back to your original question. Does your gf know about your addiction to porn and how it's affected you? If she doesn't, now is the time to tell her. She will support you through this difficult time, maybe she can act as your accountability buddy? I think it's key to go slow; maybe just kiss and cuddle the first night; follow this through with more physical contact the next night and build yourself up to sex. I'd recommend you stick to "vanilla sex" and nothing more. I know the temptation is there to go further, but wait till you're fully recovered should you choose to go down that road.

Hope that helps and good luck on your nofap journey!

P.S. Get a counter like mine below to act as motivation, just click on my one and you'll see how to get it

 

[streichert]

Kumb,

Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like you've been through a lot with this.  I'm totally down to be accountability buddies, especially since our counters are pretty similar right now.  I'm interested in what the psychologist talked about and how she helped you.  It sounds like things got better after you worked with her.  How much of what you learned there helps you today?

 

[Kumb]

Thanks for the reply, Yelashade and streichert.

My girlfriend does not know that I watch porn at all. She is very religious and from a religious family so I think it is a little hard for her. I was thinking in telling her, but one day before I came here to the UK we were just talking randomly about sex and she said that she would not tolerate if she found out that I watch porn. So I think telling her is not much of an option here (yes it is, but I would have to be really really careful. I think that in the end she would understand).
Yeah maybe I won't have sex with her when she comes to visit me. We won't have many opportunities as her mother is coming with her as well.

Great, Streichert. I will send you an inbox. Thank you for your reply.

Day 1 Very easy. I did not struggle at all. I did not think about it at all. I was just embarrassed that a girl was hitting on me today, she is really pretty but I am really faithful to my girlfriend.

 

[Kumb]

Days 2 and 3 Day 2 was pretty easy. I did not even think about it. In day 3 I had some urges when I was bored in my bedroom, but I just took a cold shower and took my notebook out of my bedroom and then it was fine.

 

[Kumb]

[Day 4] was hard because I got bored in the weekend. I managed to go out and socialize in order to focus my mind in other things, though.

[Days 5 and 6] were a piece of cake. I am sleeping very early now (last night I went to sleep before 10PM) and waking up early(woke up at 5:50 today) to go to the gym. I am exercising a lot and eating a lot healthier than I used to. My diet is very balanced and no junk foods allowed. I also do not drink any kind of soda( I drink mostly water - Curiosity: From age 15 to 18 I only drank water as a personal challenge). I will do my best to avoid alcohol as well. I am also trying to get to know God better than I did.

I believe my healthier life will lead to a much faster recovery and happiness. I can already see some results as I am having waaaaaay more energy and my body feels so good. Actually today I realized that my body feels much stronger now than it used to be about 2-3 years ago when I was a healthy freak.