TheFuture1
Member
My Own Childhood
My childhood was materially comfortable and I knew that my parents loved me. However, both of my parents were neglected and abused as children and they grew up apart from their own parents for significant periods of time. They simply had no idea how to be parents and had no resources for helping their children handle their emotions. Their primary parenting tool was to humiliate and criticise until I learned to hide my feelings. I suffered from depression and anxiety which were first diagnosed when I was 8 years old. I remember going through a stage where I would spontaneously burst into tears because I was so incredibly bored. In my depressed state, nothing interested me and I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. My mother's response was to scream at me and to mock my crying.
My parents criticism of me became all encompassing. For, example, I am right handed but hold my knife and fork as a left-handed person would - I don't know why but it seems more natural to me. I couldn't sit down for a meal without being criticised for unthinkingly starting to eat left-handed. I suffered from allergies and sinus problems so would sometimes sniff to clear my nose. I was criticised for that. I had extremely dry skin on my on my arms and legs and felt self-conscious about it so I insisted on wearing long sleeves and long trousers even on hot summers days. I was criticised for that. My dry skin became sensitive so I didn't wash myself properly for a time. My mother said I looked filthy and I felt so ashamed that I ended up accidentally rubbing my skin raw in an attempt to try to look clean again. I developed the habit of biting my nails and picking at the skin on my fingers. I was criticised for that. I also picked up the habit of pulling on my hair. My mother would scream at me that I looked subnormal. I developed compulsive eating habits due to my mental health problems and gained weight. I was criticised for that. My mother as much as told me that I deserved to be bullied because of it – I think this was her way of trying to motivate me to lose weight.
My parents' general approach to parenting seemed to be “If we make our children feel bad enough about themselves then they will do good”.
While I know that this is not about blaming my parents, I think it's important to acknowledge that their criticism was excessive and it wore me down. They didn't make me feel "NOT OK" as an accident. They through that feeling "NOT OK" was the best way to motivate me.
On top of the criticism, I felt immense pressure to perform well academically. Early in my childhood, I showed academic promise but would sometimes struggle to perform to my best. This upset my parents immensely. I can remember one occasion when a childhood friend was visiting and my parents spoke to him about what we were learning at school. He clearly understood the material far better than I did. After he left, my parents seemed distraught to a level that was completely disproportionate. I felt that my own lack of understanding was unacceptable and intolerable to my parents and therefore to myself.
Of course, my parents had their own “inner children” and “Parent Ego States”. My father had grown up with high expectations to perform well academically and in his subsequent medical career. He once had ambitions to become a surgeon but hadn't succeeded and instead became a family doctor. There was one occasion when we heard about a young surgeon at the start of a promising career and I remember my father fighting back tears and saying that he had wasted his own life. I vowed to never allow myself to get into a situation where I would feel like that. I think my parents had already tried to make that decision for me and that was why they put so much pressure on me to do well academically.
I was a weak and sickly child and was unable to physically keep up with children. This made it difficult for me to play with other children and if I tried to get involved I would feel frustrated and humiliated. I felt that my academic performance was the only thing I had that could make me feel worthwhile. At the times when I was struggling academically, I felt that I had lost my only possible source of self-esteem. When I later started to perform well again, I felt relieved. But I was also scared that I was just a fraud, covering up my lack of real talent by learning tricks to pass exams, and would soon be found out once again.
Needless to say, I grew up with a very strong sense of being “NOT OK”. My Parent Ego State was highly critical and controlling. My Child Ego State was highly adapted. Growing up with the mindset of a “NOT OK” Child left me vulnerable to bad experiences. People saw my vulnerability and were often unkind. My vulnerability caused me to take every bad experience to heart and to allow it to reinforce my “NOT OK” feeling.
Transactional Analysis and Change
So coming back to how this relate to change.
There are clearly dysfunctional ways that a desire and motivation to change can come from the Controlling/Critical Parent Ego state - we set goals according to what was important to our parents and try to use self-criticism as a way to motivate ourselves to pursue them.
There are also dysfunctional ways that a desire and motivation to change can come from the Adapted Child Ego state - we set goals that we think will help us escape from the painful feeling of being “NOT OK” and try to use the promise of an escape from being “NOT OK” to motivate ourselves.
Since the goals are being set with the mindset of a child that is in emotional pain, the goals may become unrealistic, grandiose fantasies. These fantasies can give rise to problems when it becomes clear that we can't live up to them. The emotional Child Ego State is also not best placed t
A few years ago, I asked my doctor if I could look back over my medical records from when I was a child and I found a letter from the psychologist that had been treating me for anxiety and depression. In it, she told my doctor that she recommended further treatment because I was “at risk of becoming depressed again if I failed to live up to the excessively high standards that I set for myself.”. Even at the age of eight, someone saw these issues beginning to develop in me.
I think that the desire and motivation to change needs to come primarily from the Adult Ego State. I don't think I've quite worked this out yet so it's something that I'll come back to later.
My childhood was materially comfortable and I knew that my parents loved me. However, both of my parents were neglected and abused as children and they grew up apart from their own parents for significant periods of time. They simply had no idea how to be parents and had no resources for helping their children handle their emotions. Their primary parenting tool was to humiliate and criticise until I learned to hide my feelings. I suffered from depression and anxiety which were first diagnosed when I was 8 years old. I remember going through a stage where I would spontaneously burst into tears because I was so incredibly bored. In my depressed state, nothing interested me and I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. My mother's response was to scream at me and to mock my crying.
My parents criticism of me became all encompassing. For, example, I am right handed but hold my knife and fork as a left-handed person would - I don't know why but it seems more natural to me. I couldn't sit down for a meal without being criticised for unthinkingly starting to eat left-handed. I suffered from allergies and sinus problems so would sometimes sniff to clear my nose. I was criticised for that. I had extremely dry skin on my on my arms and legs and felt self-conscious about it so I insisted on wearing long sleeves and long trousers even on hot summers days. I was criticised for that. My dry skin became sensitive so I didn't wash myself properly for a time. My mother said I looked filthy and I felt so ashamed that I ended up accidentally rubbing my skin raw in an attempt to try to look clean again. I developed the habit of biting my nails and picking at the skin on my fingers. I was criticised for that. I also picked up the habit of pulling on my hair. My mother would scream at me that I looked subnormal. I developed compulsive eating habits due to my mental health problems and gained weight. I was criticised for that. My mother as much as told me that I deserved to be bullied because of it – I think this was her way of trying to motivate me to lose weight.
My parents' general approach to parenting seemed to be “If we make our children feel bad enough about themselves then they will do good”.
While I know that this is not about blaming my parents, I think it's important to acknowledge that their criticism was excessive and it wore me down. They didn't make me feel "NOT OK" as an accident. They through that feeling "NOT OK" was the best way to motivate me.
On top of the criticism, I felt immense pressure to perform well academically. Early in my childhood, I showed academic promise but would sometimes struggle to perform to my best. This upset my parents immensely. I can remember one occasion when a childhood friend was visiting and my parents spoke to him about what we were learning at school. He clearly understood the material far better than I did. After he left, my parents seemed distraught to a level that was completely disproportionate. I felt that my own lack of understanding was unacceptable and intolerable to my parents and therefore to myself.
Of course, my parents had their own “inner children” and “Parent Ego States”. My father had grown up with high expectations to perform well academically and in his subsequent medical career. He once had ambitions to become a surgeon but hadn't succeeded and instead became a family doctor. There was one occasion when we heard about a young surgeon at the start of a promising career and I remember my father fighting back tears and saying that he had wasted his own life. I vowed to never allow myself to get into a situation where I would feel like that. I think my parents had already tried to make that decision for me and that was why they put so much pressure on me to do well academically.
I was a weak and sickly child and was unable to physically keep up with children. This made it difficult for me to play with other children and if I tried to get involved I would feel frustrated and humiliated. I felt that my academic performance was the only thing I had that could make me feel worthwhile. At the times when I was struggling academically, I felt that I had lost my only possible source of self-esteem. When I later started to perform well again, I felt relieved. But I was also scared that I was just a fraud, covering up my lack of real talent by learning tricks to pass exams, and would soon be found out once again.
Needless to say, I grew up with a very strong sense of being “NOT OK”. My Parent Ego State was highly critical and controlling. My Child Ego State was highly adapted. Growing up with the mindset of a “NOT OK” Child left me vulnerable to bad experiences. People saw my vulnerability and were often unkind. My vulnerability caused me to take every bad experience to heart and to allow it to reinforce my “NOT OK” feeling.
Transactional Analysis and Change
So coming back to how this relate to change.
There are clearly dysfunctional ways that a desire and motivation to change can come from the Controlling/Critical Parent Ego state - we set goals according to what was important to our parents and try to use self-criticism as a way to motivate ourselves to pursue them.
There are also dysfunctional ways that a desire and motivation to change can come from the Adapted Child Ego state - we set goals that we think will help us escape from the painful feeling of being “NOT OK” and try to use the promise of an escape from being “NOT OK” to motivate ourselves.
Since the goals are being set with the mindset of a child that is in emotional pain, the goals may become unrealistic, grandiose fantasies. These fantasies can give rise to problems when it becomes clear that we can't live up to them. The emotional Child Ego State is also not best placed t
A few years ago, I asked my doctor if I could look back over my medical records from when I was a child and I found a letter from the psychologist that had been treating me for anxiety and depression. In it, she told my doctor that she recommended further treatment because I was “at risk of becoming depressed again if I failed to live up to the excessively high standards that I set for myself.”. Even at the age of eight, someone saw these issues beginning to develop in me.
I think that the desire and motivation to change needs to come primarily from the Adult Ego State. I don't think I've quite worked this out yet so it's something that I'll come back to later.