I know this is my last chance

[TheFuture1]

Hello,

I first posted on here over two years ago. I'm only just now truly restarting my recovery. I'm 39 now, never been in a relationship, made some terrible decisions about my finances - mostly not directly related to my acting out but rather because of the brain fog due to the addiction.

I know I need to get a handle on this now! I want to go into my 40s with some recovery. I've had blockers set up for a good few weeks now. I know I would have relapsed if I didn't have the blocker on. I've still been having slips with fantasy and looking at things on social media but I usually come back to reality because I know I can't take it any further due to the blocker.

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. Feeling tearful, agitated and fearful. Also feeling so much grief about what I've lost by going back into denial for so many years I'm committed to getting through it though. I've not really looked into how to remove the blocker yet so I think that shows that I'm committed.

I'm done with denial. I'm also done with defiance. Feeling out of control is not a good feeling so it was easier to pretend that I didn't have a problem with porn, or to pretend that I was enjoying what I was doing. Admitting I'm not in control of my behaviours is tough on my self-esteem but it's not as hard as the consequences of not dealing with it. I'm a man-child approaching 40. My development as a human being has been stunted. I've lost things that I'll never get back. But I won't let that take away my motivation. My future can still be something and I'm determined to make something of it, even if it isn't the future that it could have been.

So glad that these forums exist. Thanks everyone.

 

[Onmyway19]

Good luck to you. The only failure is in not trying. There will be hard days and days that you may slip. Focus on building new, rewarding habits to replace the ones that have gotten you here. It takes commitment. I never thought I'd make it to over 30 days, but here I am. Still working on getting better. Something that resonated with me when I 1st joined here. Somebody said "We didn't become addicted overnight, and we can't fix our brain overnight." Or something along those lines. This is a process and takes time. One day at a time. Plan a new daily routine, and stick with it. Doing the same things will only put you back in the same place. You got this!

 

[Mic]

You can do it stay strong
And remember you have only one life to live so
Fight for it

 

[downhillfromhere]

Getting up when you fail is the only thing that makes you stronger, but that requires you to be honest and accept the failure when it happens. You're thinking in the right way, keep at it.