Hello. I will try to produce useful statistics in my journal
Country: Brazil.
Profession: Cybersecurity student.
Age: 22.
First contact with porn: at age of 14.
First successful reboot: From July, 04th 2018 to November, 29th 2019 (1 year and 4 months of reboot, almost 2 and a half years in relapse).
Profession during the First reboot: martial arts teacher.
Age during the First reboot: 18 to 20.
Frequency of use: Heavy material from 48h to 4 days timeframe. Normal/healthy MO once a day. Duration from 5 to 45 minutes per session. A session a day, sometimes two.
From a dysfunctional low class single mom family. I started using porn because it was a trend. I never had problems with alcohol or drugs (despite having a genetic predisposition to it) and porn was seen as a good thing until my 17. I did my first reboot for religious purposes, but I relapsed when I lost my faith. Now my goal is to reboot for two reasons. First, I need to learn how to deal with my feelings. Second, because I want to start an inner war against drugs of any kind (including gambling, because I was a Day Trader a year ago and noticed that it was not a healthy lifestyle). My rules are simple. I will allow a healthy MO a day to relief sexual tension and I will also allow a healthy sexual life. But I'll start a war against porn and any unhealthy tastes developed due to porn usage. The goal is to be sober. The challenge is to overcome my chronicle ADHD (that I have since my childhood) and my unconscious habit to "crack" any system. I know for experience that I do test if I can bypass any p-blocker I install. I also blocked Instagram and Facebook because they're useless for my business and spams a lot of stimul.
Poverty generates my biggest feeling of helplessness and it is my biggest trigger for addictions. So I'm going to explore this feeling a little more to provide new contextualized useful data for further research.
Today was just another boring day. I was learning how to use Metasploit and thinking about the long path ahead until the day I would finally start to make money. "The difficult business decision": to focus all my productive time on one profession. It was not a choice based on what I like. It was based on 3 questions/steps:
What can I do well, even if I don't like it?
From things I can do well, which one of them has the highest chances of succeeding?
From things I can do well and that has the highest chances of succeeding. Which one of them can make the most money in less time?
I also used the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) in order to increase accuracy and reduce decisions based on feelings. My type is ENTP.
Six months after I relapsed on my first successful reboot, my business in martial arts collapsed due to the COVID-19 lockdown. It was a total disaster for everyone and I started an 18-month research to find out what to do. Now I'm just doing some calisthenics workouts to keep my body. Because I'm focusing on making money, I'm also not drawing. Porn was my only "friend".
Even having ZERO sexual stimulus, my body is still seeking sex! I'll not blame myself. I know from now on I'll experience even more intense feelings. And I have a simple rule for them. Even if I allow what we can call HSMO (Healthy Sex, Masturbation and Orgasm), I NEVER allow myself to fall in love.
In my scale of dangers during a reboot, falling in love is more dangerous than relapsing. Because it's a time when one gets more fragile. Intense feelings mean intense imprints, intense expectations and intense co-dependence. If the partner leaves, then an entire house of cards will fall.
The second danger is remorse. Blaming myself and not accepting a single fault. This kind of behavior is not healthy for self-esteem. I do blame myself when I do not workout. It's a law and I can follow (I mean, I have been following this law since I was 14). But I can not, never, blame myself for things I can't control. Sometimes I'll burnout. Self-control and willpower is a muscle like any other.
It's okay. It's easy to deal with it. When I use all that I have, every single resource of my mind and my body (to the point I need some hedonism to recover), it's a signal I'm getting strong and my bigger goals are closer. It's also a mistake to be so hard. It's not easy to be, well, balanced. Most of the time, I'd rather feel the pain of fighting than the pain that's caused because I'm living in undesirable circumstances.
This is a war against the porn industry. This is a war against drugs. This is a war against people who offer fake solutions to real problems, creating even more problems, false needs and taking everything we have! It's not a war against human nature. It's not a war against human needs. I need my inner animal at my side. I need to take him to the right pot so he will bark at the bad master, not at the good one.
Not a good day. I had to commit my own aunt to the psychiatric hospital. She has been in depression for 7 years and the condition has evolved into schizophrenia. Now I need some rest.
I guess I'll have 30 days to do whatever I want. I finished my college works for a while so, I'm free. They waste my time with things that have absolutely no use. This is brainwashing. And will not help with my career (something even more stressful because I'm doing just for the money).
The options:
Reading books about history and mass psychology.
Reading books about my career.
Learning a new character design style.
When I'm drawing or painting I don't need to make any effort to reboot. I can control my anxiety and all the problems are gone. It's sad because I need money and I don't want to be the starving artist.
It's funny how my brain works because when I'm on the artist phase my workouts also change. I start biking more, taking adventures. When I'm on the "intellectual phase" (when I study history or psychology, for example) I feel more aggressive and I do more strength and martial arts workouts.
However, when I do things just for money everything collapse. Poor diet, little exercise and my addiction get intense, out of control. I'm living in a duality. I know, If I want success I need to follow a systematic way to study and do business, narrowing my horizon of consciousness. Making choices based on pure logic, OSINT and strategy.
I can't follow my heart because I need the results ASAP. I'll get rid of the problems of poverty, but the price will be my heart. From a way or another I'll feel overwhelmed. At least, I discovered one trigger.
When the end justifies the means, my addiction intensifies.
It's even funnier because the female figure on my CD studies don't trigger me. They help me. I can draw and paint the naked female figure and I have good feelings and almost no sexual desires (not the unhealthy ones, but a pure, passionate way, or a romantic way, that we can experience when we fall in deep love with someone and receive fulfillment). Sometimes one erection or another, but the general feeling is more a relaxing state, watching the lines while I slowly draw them, selecting the colors and shapes for hours. The way I see the world also changes. My dreams. I have livid beautiful dreams and a so deep sleep. I start seeing porn as an assault. As a monster that will destroy my dreams, my inspiration; and will deeply hurt the pure female figure of my art. Protective instinct? I don't know. But I have a quote from the book Da Arte do Belo (The Art of Beauty) from the brazilian philosopher Carlos Nougué:
O homem é um animal de contemplação, de ação e de produção. Das obras que produz, umas são para uso ou benefício do corpo – são as artes chamadas servis –, enquanto outras são para uso ou benefício de seu espírito – são as artes ditas liberais. Entre estas, há aquelas que, mediante o belo, visam a fazer o homem propender ao bom e ao verdadeiro, e, mediante o horrendo, visam a fazê-lo afastar-se do mau e do falso: são as Artes do Belo, ou seja, a Literatura, o Teatro, o Cinema, a Música, a Dança (= Balé), a Pintura, a Escultura e, por certo ângulo, a Arquitetura.
Man is an animal of contemplation, action and production. Of the works he produces, some are for the use or benefit of the body – the so-called servile arts – while others are for the use or benefit of his spirit – the so-called liberal arts. Among these, there are those that, through the beautiful, aim to make man tend towards the good and the true, and, through the horrendous, they aim to make him move away from the bad and the false: these are the Arts of the Beautiful, or that is, Literature, Theatre, Cinema, Music, Dance (= Ballet), Painting, Sculpture and, from a certain angle, Architecture.
I finished my college works for a while so, I'm free. They waste my time with things that have absolutely no use. This is brainwashing. And will not help with my career
Today I learned how to draw the manga eyes, did 72 Pull Ups (6 sets of 12 reps) and trained 9 makiwara and bag rounds (3 min each).
Height: 167 cm (5'48).
Weight: 85 kg (187,393 lbs).
I think if I add some weights I can reach my natural limit with 6 months or less and start cutting. The goal is the 8% of body fat. I think I'm 16% now; 9 months with the same weight and it's getting hard to eat enough.
Until 20:15
I relapsed from 20:15 to 22:[30-45]. It took me more 1h to recovery from my relapse. Guess who's going to have a hangover tomorrow. I'm almost 23 and I didn't learn that the pleasure ends after the orgasm to be replaced with guilt and shame.
What was the trigger? What was the hidden feeling? I'm a born rake. My "natural" tastes are not so natural. I learned them with the Brazilian Funk when I was 11 (and with the influence of my friends, we all little rakes and sirens). Songs that my people play to this day. Brazilians party all year round. It is not a very comfortable place for those who like privacy and regular sleep. To be born poor here is a condemnation of lust.
But it's not enough to find the roots of my feelings. I need a deep, politically incorrect and painful exam. To think and not repress what I see in order to keep an image. I want the Truth. When I was a Christian I learned to seek the truth before all else. I lost my Faith but I didn't give up on seeking the Truth, however painful it may be. I need that cruel sincerity to survive.
They mention naughty and fit women with big butts offering anal sex. It's very common here. There's a scam where Brazilian woman do libertine anal sex from years before marriage in order to offer a virgin vagina to the cuckholds.
Women here don't respect men in many areas of the life. From the marriage, to the public life. They walk almost naked, if not, wearing very provocative clothes. It's a psychological atmosphere made to make us slaves from an abnormally active sexual life.
And they all are sirens. They offer a bait and wait. When an idiot fall in love with them, they use every possible means to take everything we have, to assume absolute control over our lives, change our political views (most of the time in favor of the Lib-Left), call us sexists and Brazilian women are known for being the most manipulative, stupid and disloyal in the world. They have the laws and an army of White Knights to keep their "empowerment" in a psychological warfare.
Only a few, generally from higher classes or from strict religious communities (with our national brainwashing; no joke, here we have real puppet masters and real empty vessels serving them) can try a healthy and traditional family. It's a need to our government to keep people brute, they invest in musics, sexual propaganda, sexual turism (Brazilian Carnival is an international shame) and sexual "education" (AKA pervertion) in schools. There's no homeschooling here and you can go to jail if you try.
I'm not defending Brazilian men. They also act like animals and I hate myself every time I act like one of them. They're also brute, stupid (and they envy and have rage against intellectuals and smart people, especially those who don't seek academic titles) and disloyal. The have the kind of woman they deserve.
In fact, one can simply say I can't love because I born in an unhealthy environment. That there's good woman and so on. In fact, I am unhealthy, I have signs of trauma, I was frustrated in every relationship here. I will distort things in order to create an inner defense mechanism. I don't fit here.
It's possible to find a good woman to marry and stop repressing my will to love. Besides a rational choice to avoid any deep relationship my feelings are seeking love. It's just affection anyways. And I can't change the laws with love. I will give a woman a gun pointed to my head, believing she will never use because of the love. I am a proud and haughty sinner. I'd rather die fighting my addiction than risking my heart of stone, poor money and little freedom.
The conclusion? I'm a cursed man.
The conditions are extreme. I have deep rooted sexual propaganda in my brain. I live in a country where there's no safe space to reboot. But there is a sea of sirens all the way around. I don't want marriage, dates and prostitutes. It's a challenge almost impossible to win. It's easy to find myself in situations where there's strong urges and impulses.
The basic fear based on my experience is that after the reboot shit can come back stronger than before.
The change is not in the future. The change is the path. If I can't reboot it's a sign I need something to help me in my fight in a lifetime perspective. This is my question.
The last week with just calisthenics. I'll start using weights in the next.
OSINT
The client asked me to find her missing mom, so, I did it. The mom left her when she was 3. I used some Graph tools (Maltego and Gephi) to create networks. Thanks to a friend of the target's aunt, I was able to track all her social networks. When I finally gathered all the information I needed, the Facebook banned me (Oh, no! Again! The 1900th? I'm not counting). I'm glad I was not blacklisted (again) from Instagram and Linkedin, it happens all the time (I don't have patience to be stealthy, so, I create a new account for each target LOL).
Like a DC hero, I gained my super power from a tragedy. The only advantage to be a porn addict is our fast, really fast talent to find the information we need. Sometimes I don't even use the scripts I have and I like to do the dirty job with my own hands, filtering with my eyes. Porn addiction is not about the masturbation. Masturbation (and its orgasm) is the CONDITION to stop the addiction. The addiction is to HUNT. We are information hunters. The more challenging, the more energy our conscious (and unconscious) brain will use to bypass any system we build. It's like playing chess with a clone.
Self Diplomacy
I avoid being hard with myself and I avoid building repressive systems. I developed my personality to bypass a very hard and repressive system (the semi-socialism in my country). Every and any system, especially the painful ones, I create, will be challenged. In truth, I'm a big fan of Sherlock Holmes and I learned the master's skill to use my subconscious to solve problems. Even when we are not paying attention to a problem, our subconscious will create new connections and will work on our problems. The more data we collect, the more magic we will see.
So I don't use cold washes, sleep deprivation and others Pavlov's conditioning. Instead, I'm diplomatic. I offer a very rich diet for my body and I ask him to build muscles. "So, you don't want to cut? Okay, here's your meal, how much can you eat? Your goal is to train and develop a body that NEED all this food" and it worked on the long run. "You need sleep? Okay, sleep as much as you can (9 to 11h per night, sometimes 8)". The result? My body is less focused on endurance and more focused on power. I use everything I have in each exercise, in each activity. The disadvantage is that I need to be selective. The advantage is the outperform. Fast regeneration and I can keep my brain naturally doing complex logical thinking. It's all about trading.
I don't need to develop will power. Addiction is pure willpower. I need to develop a strong purpose that will guide my willpower into the right direction.
Seriously though, I'm sorry to hear about your whole sirens-and-rakes situation. It can be pretty hard to avoid relapse in a society where promiscuity and pornography have bled into the mainstream. All I can say is, don't quit. You're right that it's a Herculean task, but it's absolutely worth it. I pray that you find a woman who isn't like the sirens, who values clarity and freedom as much as you. But even if that doesn't happen, remember that your own freedom is no less worth fighting for.
Good luck, and God guard your heart and your mind, friend.
Today I tested some new methods and I'm still studying new ABS workout programs.
Ring Chin-Ups with extra 10KG (22,04 lbs): 3 sets with 10 reps, 2 sets with 8 reps.
Ring Chin-Ups: 1 set with 12 reps.
Small game everywhere
A flood of small tasks prevented me from doing my few bigger ones. I started to write this at 19 pm, lied down for a second and now it's 11. I was having lucid dreams in a very short sleep.
EOC - END OF CHASER
The first 3 days after a relapse are well known for the chaser effect. Now I don't feel my anxiety and urges to watch and search porn. I'm thinking more about things I like.
