Only through struggle shall I find rest.

[BlueDream]

Well here we go, this isn’t my first rodeo here. I've been using PMO for over 24 years now. Been a member for 6 years and I’ve know about PIED some years before that when I first found YBOP. First time posting here I think.


This wont be pretty or perfect, however it needs to be documented for myself and maybe others will find something positive out of it.


My porn journey started when I was probably 8 or 9. A neighborhood friends older brother showed us his playboy collection in their tree house. I can still remember how weird the 80’s breast implants looked for the first time. Mind blowing stimulation for a child.


I would find myself being curious about nude images for the next few years. I would try and watch something on TV every now and then but my Mom was pretty strict on content so that wasn’t the easiest. I remember in 1996, 11 years old, we got our first computer that had dial up internet and I searched for the playboy website. That feeling of just searching for it was amazing, pure bliss and my heart was pounding knowing that I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to. I don’t know how I wasn’t caught for that, maybe it wasn’t as easy to trace back then.


When I was 14 I had my first experience with PMO. It was on a weekend when my mom was busy, parents were separated by now, and I was completely unsupervised. I found soft core shows on HBO or Cinemax and was deeply engaged in the overall experience I was in. I can remember how I was amazed in what that felt like and how good it made me feel.


I would spend the next year or so experimenting more and more with digital sexual stimulus, hardcore porn was quickly introduced once I was actively using. I remember that hardcore was more still images at this time and not videos per se.


By the time I was a freshman in high school High speed internet was available and hardcore videos became the main attraction. I would spend many hours a week on PMO and not very much else. Still have never experienced sex, I had one of encounter with Oral sex however I wasn’t able to get an erection. I was in my car in a parking lot and I thought I was just so nervous I couldn’t get it up. Reflecting on it now that was my very first time I ever experienced PIED. I even thought that I should be using PMO before dates so that I could be ready for sex. However I was only digging myself deeper into the problem. I found myself using PMO even more than before to cope with the sadness of ending of that relationship...

 

[BlueDream]

... When I was 18 I went through a traumatic experience in losing my mother to leukemia. I was using PMO to soothe myself with the overwhelming feelings of sadness and loneliness. It was a this moment when PMO took control over my life and never let go. I would start to watch more porn that was more shocking and new. Fetish porn really got my attention at that time and I found new avenues of lust to pursue.


Flash forward to being 22, I was working with a girl that I found attractive and we started dating. I don’t know how it happened, I was extremely shy and insecure but I was holding hands and kissing a girl. Still using PMO before seeing her thinking it was a good thing to do. We dated for a few months and attempted to have sex multiple times. I was confident that the problem was my anxiety around having sex. I was able to have an orgasm from sex only once while intoxicated with alcohol. That would be my one and only time climaxing from sex to this day. At this point I was like "I did it!" and I immediately thought I was going to be climbing out of my despair. However within a couple weeks that relationship was over and I was immediately leaning on PMO to get me through the heart ache. That was the first time experiencing that type of emotional pain. I told myself that I didn't want to feel that way ever again and had no interest to have a relationship ever again.


PMO would be apart of my every day life for the next few years without having any intentions of pursuing a healthy sexual relationship. When I was in my late 20s I became feeling more and more alone and was wondering if I could find someone that I could be intimate with. I started exercising and eating better, I was able to lose about 10-15% of my body weight and started to gain some self confidence. I was still using PMO just as much as I was before, I was even using it as a reward for physical activity. I was active on dating apps trying to find someone who was interested in dating. I was able to match with someone local and we met up and had a good date. This is the first time meeting her and she asks me to come back to her place. I'm like "Yes! This is going great." Well that wasn't the lasting feeling that night. PIED stopped me from performing and I was extremely embarrassed about it. After that I was ghosted by the girl and I was falling into another pit of sadness, while PMO was waiting for me at the bottom to help me cope with my feelings.


It was at this time that I found YBOP while searching for what could be wrong with me. I couldn't accept what I was reading, it wasn't what I wanted to believe. How could porn be the problem with getting my dick hard? I can get hard easily with P, whats the difference? I immediately ignored whatever information I obtained regarding PMO and went back right into old habits and behaviors. Maybe a year later I again went through another experience with someone I worked with that I tried to have sex with and failed miserably. Same circumstances and the exact same outcomes...

 

[BlueDream]

...
What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is what I was doing, I wanted to change without changing. I was not ready to put the work into the harsh reality of PMO and its effects.


I'm having a hard time remember what happened between the time I found YBOP and when I first attempted to stop using PMO, however I found myself trying to see if I could stop eventually. I would try and go a couple days at first to see how it would feel. I was able to make it to about day 5-7 before relapsing. I started finding myself concerned with not being able to stop using. "Am I addicted to porn?" Big surprise but I'm badly addicted to the thing. And how do I end up dealing with these feelings? You guessed it, PMO. It was waiting for me at the bottom of the pit of despair to tell me that it was alright and that everything will be OK now.


I would continue to try and stop using with little or no success. I was able to get to day 35 once however I had a slip. Now this is something that I should of been prepared, however I had a wet dream on day 34 and all I could think of was organizing. I found myself masturbating and orgasming and not using porn to do it. Now at this moment I felt defeated and like I was worthless, not knowing that this was not a true relapse. I only found that out yesterday when doing more research and seeing that this is a common practice with men recovering. The most import part was that I didn't use digital stimulus to obtain an erection and orgasm. I was having real progress however I didn't have all the information to course correct my current situation. I could of continued my journey there and been potentially cured by now. This hindsight game is one of PMO's favorite cards to pull on me.


Well after that 35 days I've never been able to get back to that amount since. The longest since would probably 14-16 days. I've been trying to limit my time with PMO after these experiences. Not stopping the fetish or duration at which I found the most sexual gratification. Just trying to space the days out between using.


Within the last 2 or 3 years the content of which I was watching became more perverted and dark. I'm starting to really question what I'm doing with my life, I can't see myself growing old doing this in the shadows as the world passes me by. I start again on YBOP to see if I can find anything that I'm willing to do to help. I find the part about "Rewiring" and I'm immediately assured that's what I need to fix myself.


I get back on the dating sites and find someone who wants to take it slow with a relationship. I amazingly have the courage to tell her what I think I'm going through and how I need her help to get out of it. She's surprising supportive at first response, she knew of a celebrity that explained his PMO addiction and circumstances. I tell her that I was going to stop using PMO and we would work on rewiring with spending time together. Big shock, I never stopped and I lied to her almost every day about it. I'm an idiot. We go on with our relationship, going on dates holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. Lots of heavy petting and genital contact, however I had no libido. About 6-8 weeks into our relationship and through many times trying to have sex I was able to have penetrated intercourse with her briefly before losing my erection. It was at this time that she became very frustrated with the whole situation and the relationship went to shit in a heartbeat. Back to full blown PMO fetish driven dopamine dumps for the next year.


Now we have arrived to our current time period, spring of 2022. I've recently have had a psychedelic experience with mushrooms and had one of the best trips I've ever had with any substance. During this trip I had a couple visualizations that really resonated with me. It's hard to explain however I was able to see and feel what it would be like to be free from the habits of PMO. I was able to reflect and forgive myself for judging myself so harshly. I realized how PMO was actually serving a purpose, no matter how fucked up that purpose may be it was helping me get through it. The problem was that I never learned that I didn't need PMO to cope with my problems. Days after the trip I'm using again however I'm having some serious feelings of regret. I feel like the shrooms shook up my brains normal behavioral rituals and I was able to objective few this from another angle.


Let me make it perfectly clear I'm not advocating anyone to use psychedelics to treat their PMO addiction, I believe every human has the right to choose if they want to experience it or not. I harbor no judgement to those who think I'm stupid for thinking that this is the reason I was able to snap out of my continuous thinking, I know what I believe in my heart. I hope that everyone reading this far down understands it was something different that allowed me to "grab the wheel" again so to speak.


Since then I've been focusing 100% of my efforts to stop using PMO, and today is day 10 of not using. I've been going to the gym at 4am and tracking my calorie intake with help from phone apps. I'm also meditating on mindfulness every morning for about 5 mins before I go and write in my journal. I'll be honest and say I'm super impatient with it all. I want it to be fixed immediately however I know its going to take a long time (years) to overcome this addiction. I had to uninstall all my social media apps since they contained so much sexual content that I was substituting PMO for. Social media is the equivalent to Porn Lite.


I've had no real triggers that have lead me to want to use. I've accidentally seen nude breasts a few times on TV or social. It definitely affects me however not to the point where I want to quit and go back.


That's all I got for now, I feel exhausted just writing this all out here. It's a mentally draining topic to discuss and reflect on, however I'm only going to succeed if I take this ship out of it's safe harbor and sail towards ruff waters.


Till next time. I'm proud of myself for taking these important steps to recovery. I hope everyone looking for help finds it here on YBOP and if you want to reach out to talk please don't hesitate.


Best Regards

 

[Blondie]

Looks like you have some good ideas going forward! You've made a great decision quitting porn and I'm glad you're here. It's very heroic.

 

[BlueDream]

Day 11 no PMO.

Yesterday was a one of the good days. I posted for the first time here and it was really inspiring to see the community share and support each other. That boosted my morale for most of the day.

Spent an hour on the treadmill walking with the incline set at 12. I was soaked in sweat at the end of it. Exercise has been what I’ve been focusing on to help with this whole process. I have a few personal goals I want to get to and I know that it will help my overall recovery. I find myself looking at women at the gym and starting to fantasize about them, I immediately have to look away and stop that thought process. Easier said than done.

I woke up this morning more than once with MW. I was so tired but I remember smiling about it. MW can come and go for me from time to time. I can go weeks or months without them and then all of a sudden it’s there one day and gone the next.

Excited for the future and anxious about the time it will take. I can only take this one small step at a time.

Best Regards

 

[BlueDream]

Day 12 no PMO.

Today has been a little depressing. I can’t seem to get out of it either. Not sure exactly what the issue is all I know is that I feel down.

I had dreams for the first time in a while last night. I had a brief moment in the dream where I was or about to PMO and I felt terrible about it in the dream. I feel like my dreams can linger with me throughout the day and I feel like this is apart of the issue.

I haven’t done my mediation or journal yet, I’m dragging trying to get it done. I feel unmotivated to do anything right now.

I’ve been in flat line for the entirety of these last 12 days. Deflated would be an appropriate term to describe it. I did notice a MW when I first woke up, that’s two days in a row.

Not sure what else to write.

Best Regards

 

[Onmyway19]

It gets better. Keep fighting

 

[BlueDream]

Day 14 no PMO. Flat line continued

So the last 2 days have been much better than Sunday was. My gym schedule seems to help me with feeling super low.

It’s easier for me to complete my self care routine when I get up at 4am for the gym Mon-Thur, I’m done with everything before it’s 630am and the sun has barely risen over the horizon. That feels great compared to waking up at 10 or 11 and linger the rest of the day trying to get something done.

I’ve removed all social media accounts and it’s had a profound impact. I’m finding myself continuously going to look for those apps throughout the day. I never realized how often I used those apps as a substitute to porn when I’m bored.

I had my first sex dream in a long time. No nocturnal emission however it was great to dream about it. In the dream I was in shock how easy it was for me to get an erection, like I’ve never even had an issue. I woke up from the dream with MW and a smirk on my face. I know it’s gonna be many many months before such an act can happen however it’s reassuring to know my subconscious is wanting that connection with a women.

I’ve also kicked cannabis for the time being. It’s been 7 days of that and I’ve noticed my dreams are becoming more vivid. I know that cannabis affects my dreams and I usually don’t even dream when I smoke. I know I use it to kill pain from sadness or loneliness and I’m ready to feel that without any substances hiding their effects.

Until next time, keep up the good fight.

Best Regards

 

[BlueDream]

Day 16 no PMO

Getting close to my half way mark of the longest I’ve gone before with PMO. The record is 35 days and that was attempted over 3 years ago.

Last nights dream was difficult. I was viewing P in the dream, and my penis was getting erect. In the dream I was trying to convince myself that since it’s already hard you might as well just keep going and finish. Luckily I was strong enough to stop and get away from the screen in the dream. Not sure what happened afterwards but I woke up like it actually happened in reality.

Took me a minute to gain my composure and understand it was just a dream.

I think the dream came from a situation yesterday when I was deleting any P material I could find in my computer folders. I came across a file that had the “view as large image” and it definitely set off a trigger effect. It wasn’t even a pic of genitals or bare breast, it was just a pic of the girls face. That’s all it took to make me think I could use again. I was able to delete all the files and quickly get away from the screen.

Gym and diet has been consistent. Four days a week I’m at the gym at 4am and I’m done with my self care routine by 630am. I’m happy with the results so far.

We’ll see how the rest of the day goes.

Best regards

 

[BlueDream]

Day 19 hard mode. Flat line at 80%

This is probably the furthest I’ve made in the last 5 years. That number 5 years ago stopped at 35. Im ready to keep grinding to get to and past that 35 days. Last night was the hardest for me to get through. The PMO monster was keeping me up super late at night and I was fishing for non nude content before I snapped out of it and got off my phone. I was experimenting with Extinction Training recently and I know now how that is only meant for someone who is much stronger than I am at this point in time. I understand how it can help however the urges are very strong to keep looking instead of closing immediately. Flat line is still there however my penis isn’t as reclusive as it was a week ago. I would save that I feel more of a sexual drive the last few days. I find myself making eye contact much more often with women. Exercise and self care are my most powerful tools I have at my disposal. It makes a tremendous difference when I’m in the gym taking care of my body. Can’t wait to see what I look like when PMO isn’t apart of my existence. Until next time.

Best Regards

 

[Phineas 808]

Read your story, and am inspired by your decision to change your life. Your future self will thank you for it.

The mushrooms helped you to break out of the habitual pattern of thinking, giving you a fresh and much needed perspective. Hey, whatever it took in the moment, right?

I’ve actually worked with extinction therapy (or ERP) for these behaviors, and had some successes (and failures). I would not advocate purposely exposing yourself to the stimuli, but understanding the science behind it, and habit change in general, can be highly beneficial.

If you want to learn more, PM me here if you wish…

Wishing you well in your journey.