Why can’t I just get over it? Why can’t I just feel like enough?

Someone on a thread has mentioned the lack of support outside Christian communities. I too want resources for dealing with this outside of a biblical narrative. Something about habitual P use feels wrong, and I don’t need any god to tell me that. But…. I’m a modern woman - where’s my sense of liberalism and sexual autonomy, right? I’ve been kicking myself for not being enlightened enough. Hip enough. Free love enough. Cool enough. Why am I not just okay with my partner watching P? Why can’t I just say, “Well, he isn’t hurting anyone, let boys be boys,” or whatever? Why can’t I just not have a problem with it? Is it related to childhood abuse? Probably. If it is, do I need to get a therapist to convince me to just… get over it?

Why can’t I just feel like I am enough?

The truth is that it’s not NOT hurting anyone. It’s hurt me already. He has spent his adult life watching P and never in a relationship, and it shows. Our sex life is not great and getting worse (for me).

We’ve had sex. I wish we could revert to a time when we had not. He can’t achieve orgasm with me. Hasn’t ever with anyone (but himself and his screen princesses). Sex doesn’t make me feel closer to him. It did a little at first. Now, as I’ve learned more about his super super frequent usage of P and constant masturbation before dating me, sex with him more and more feels like he is just performing stuff he saw on me. That feeling suuuuucks.

Sex with him doesn’t feel like making a romantic connection anymore. It’s soulless, empty. It stresses me out that I can’t please him. It’s killing my self esteem. I don’t know if he’s being honest about not masturbating, but he didn’t seem to think there is anything wrong with P - just that he watched too much because he was lonely and depressed. I’ve been lonely and depressed. I got a dog. (And you know what? I didn’t desensitize myself physically and psychologically to the point where the most graphic, disgusting, sexually explicit language ever written is on a g*****n Sesame Street meme that I send to my gf at 8 AM.)

He professes to have stopped masturbating in an attempt to regain some sensitivity, so Jesus I hope that means he isn’t watching P - somehow watching it and NOT masturbating sounds even more sick. I was able to orgasm with him several times before, but now I’m having a hard times. I can’t focus. Our sex life feels broken to me. I feel lacking. I feel ugly and imperfect and like not nearly enough of a good actress compared to what he is used to.

Lately I haven’t been able to figure out why I feel like pulling away, why I don’t want him to see me naked, don’t want to be physically intimate. The more I read in these forums the more I see that it’s because I have a problem with habitual P use and don’t want to be with a man who has that issue. We’re trying. Working on it. But truthfully, I don’t want to. I want the normal sex life I had with my previous partner. It wasn’t perfect, but it was fun and loving and I could please him. I miss feeling good about myself sexually.
I’ve never in my life thought about cheating on a man I was with, and for the first time, I’ve thought about how nice a “normal” sexual encounter would be at this point. Fantasizing about a guy who’s into me who HASN’T broken his brain and dick.

Am I not being understanding enough? Am I just some old fashioned prude? I’ve watched P before, and I tend to do it about 1-2 per year - it’s not as though I’m completely morally against it. Why can’t I get over my guy leaning on it so heavily (daily) instead of having real partners?

Not sure this relationship can last. I’m tired of feeling like I am not _________ enough. Somebody help. Please?


Active Member
I share your questions. Funny how we put all the issues on ourselves. I am not a prude by nature, but his porn use has altered my thinking....about a lot of things. In our early years of marriage (prior to internet) we would occasionally watch a P movie together. Availability of internet changed him and our sex life. Left me feeling like I could never be good enough. The reality is, how can you compete with that? And not to be a complete Debby Downer, but are there ANY men out there without this addiction? Sorry...very raw here.