I have been reading a book called Resurrecting Sex which my marriage counselor recommended. It's by a man named Dr. David Schnarch. I have been particularly interested in the section where he summarizes the various ways that people avoid anxiety in their relationships. I'm sure all of us, at some point, can recall a confrontation where we manipulate or accommodate our partner just to keep the peace. This inhibits growth in the relationship and leads to "emotional gridlock" as he calls it.
There are probably dozens of examples of behaviors that can get us into that gridlock but they all stem from our fear of rocking the boat. We feel we should try accept the condition of our relationship as is even though we can't tolerate it. Resentment builds up to a point where our partner either confronts the problem or seeks companionship elsewhere because a new relationship can't possibly be in gridlock.
In the case of my wife, she operated with the notion that people will change given their own space and time. She had discovered that I was chatting with people online and gleaned that the content of those messages were quite lewd. She didn't even confront me about it until months later while we were in the middle of an unrelated disagreement. She harbored that feeling that she was "not enough" for months! Even after that I couldn't stop myself, I continued to go back to PMO/chatting. Of course, with me being the addict I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted to continue doing the things that made me feel warm and fuzzy. She tried on multiple occasions to awaken me to my problems with jealousy, lack of empathy, and unrealistic sexual expectations. She asked for us to go see a marriage counselor several times. However, because it was usually directed at me in some form of rage or emotional withdrawal, I didn't care to listen. I merely tried to manipulate her by flipping the script and making the whole thing about her "anger issues" or her "lack of effort" in the bedroom.
She wanted to avoid my wrath because she despises being told how to "fix things" that never seem to solve the root problem. She beams when she is given praise and encouragement. I was giving her none. She wanted to continue having the things in her life that made her feel warm and fuzzy. She wanted the touch of someone that truly desired her. And she could tell I was not showing up. In an effort to spare my ego she would not even mention the performance issues I was having. I, once again, blamed it on her "lack of effort." She carried this burden for so long until someone finally gave her a taste of what she had been missing. Even then, with all her strength, she still managed to avert a complete affair. I didn't discover that it happened until after it was over.
My ego still nags at me about this infidelity, making me wonder "how could she let it go on so long, how could she not say something?" All the while, I had been engaging in PMO since I was teenager, and I picked up chatting again when our relationship became gridlocked. Sin for sin, tit for tat. Her only fault is that she would rather avoid confrontation than stand up for herself when she knows she's right. She allowed me to steamroll her on so many occasions, but that was during a time where my porn use was "natural" in her eyes. However, now that she has this new knowledge about my addiction and the symptoms of emotional detachment that it causes I think we are both starting to see a light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Writing it all out like this helps me see what a fool I have been and I better understand the undiminished love she still has for me. The fact that she is even here is a testament to that. Her love is deeper than mine. My love was conditional and I must break free of this addiction if I ever want to experience what unconditional love truly means. I think I owe that to myself and to her.
