Question: is it “cheating”?

[therealthing]

Is watching P an act of infidelity? Is M’ing on its own? Is M’ing to P?

My personal answers: yes, no, yes. In that order. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. For years I’ve just tried to tell myself that it’s “normal” for guys to regularly watch it. These threads are giving me hope that not everyone sees it as normal and acceptable.

I’m tired of pretending it’s okay just so someone will love/like me. I shouldn’t have to bend what I consider acceptable in a relationship (at a moral level) just because I don’t want to lose someone.

I know I am disgusted by habitual porn use. But is it cheating? TIA. So grateful to have found this site.

 

[Gracie]

You will have a gazillion different answers. So be prepared. My husband used porn. He used it in secret. Our once robust sex life dwindled measurably. I had to ask for sex. He did not sleep in our bed. He would make mean comments to me. He would ogle all women. He would laser focus on their butts. Once discovered, it was all gaslighting and if onlies about me. He changed the way he treated our family. I was devastated. For me, yes it was cheating. My trust was gone. We worked through it. But the total in love blind trust I once had is gone. I keep a part of me back. And I still have moments my brain gets overwhelmed by that time of our marriage.

Hold tight to your standard and your definitions! You be you!

 

[Sammyjo]

I was a yes, no, yes, (and maybe it's because I'm still raw from the third time finding out), but right now anything but him with me feels like cheating. Really stinks because aside from this issue he is a wonderful man.

Gracie - may I ask how long ago that time in your marriage was? Does the pain ever go away?

 

[Gracie]

It was about 10 years ago. If you both work at it, the pain goes away, but sometimes there are triggers. And I just tell my husband what I am thinking. And sometimes I cry. I decided that I loved him. We read books and talked and talked and supported each other. However, in the beginning I was angry and hurt and betrayed. I could not function. So there was a lot to work through. He said it wasn’t me. But I talked about how he showed me it was about me. And the intentional things he did. The first year was the absolute roughest.

 

[Sammyjo]

Thank you for sharing.