Starting again

[searching4good]

Today I'm switching off the lights with a hard-fought win. Dug deep when I got home to resist temptations and do little things that would nourish me. As little as starting a series that I was looking forward to, making myself a green tea. Getting an early night.

During my recent lapse I caved and purchased a new personal laptop to dive back into old habits. Well, I've reset it this evening and tomorrow I'll be taking it back to the store for a refund whilst I still can. That's the first thing I'm doing with my day and it's going to set me up perfectly for a good one.

I'm 34 and I just have to make this year different to the last couple that have come before it. I cannot throw this time away. Now is the moment, it really really is.

 

[searching4good]

Quick one just to say that I followed through on the above and took that laptop back to the store for a refund. And have just sorted through a load of overdue expenses to get on top of that too. God life is better when I'm not lost down the rabbit hole.

Well done me.

 

[searching4good]

Yesterday was a good day, another one clean and fought hard for it. Went out for drinks last night and have woken up feeling like a bag of crap this morning but I'm also with the GF which means I can have a 'nice' hangover day and also not worry about temptations.

Note to self - did I really need to drink so much to have a good time? No...

 

[searching4good]

Day 4 down. Starting the week in the right way for the first time in a while.

 

[searching4good]

Still felt a bit hungover today, which actually wasn't the best way to start the week on reflection, despite my previous post . That said, a day in the office kept me away from any temptations and I ended up having a productive one all things considered.

Had a good evening too and am turning in at a reasonable bedtime content with how I faced into things.

For now, the combo of no laptop, a return of some kind of willpower, and the mantra of 'things have to be different this year' seem to be doing a fairly solid job of building some momentum. Because things to do have to be different - I simply cannot afford another year of constant relapses and binges. That shit is literally killing me.

Today was relatively easy but I know that some days won't be, so it's a case of just taking things moment to moment. Tomorrow I go again.

Day 5

 

[searching4good]

I awoke early yesterday feeling quite triggered - decided to MO to fairly innocuous images sent to me by someone in my life I have a crush on. Note that this wasn't my GF. Found the process was sort of firing up those pathways closely associated with PMO, and I had to stop myself from peeking at familiar websites.

So on the one hand I guess some progress in not slipping to PMO, but it hardly feels like stellar behaviour. It did largely do the trick though and despite a few fleeting thoughts of PMO throughout the day, I largely had a good one of facing into real world problems.

Didn't sleep brilliantly last night however and have a very busy and stressful 2 days of work ahead of me. So will need to stay vigilant and disciplined.

I'm on day 7 now - I can do this, 1 day at a time.

 

[searching4good]

Today was a lot, busy and stressful and inflammation flared up which always makes me feel worse about things. Tomorrow is even busier with a big meeting I'm leading but, I stayed clean today and feel really good for that. Have made it to the 1 week clean mark for the first time since September last year. It's only a week and I can see a few temptations lurking beneath the surface but nonetheless I should give myself some credit where it's due.

Now to keep this going - porn is not an option and the only way is through. This year has to be different.

Day 7

 

[searching4good]

Day 2

So, I ended up slipping on day 8. It was a strange one as the big meeting I was worried about went well, albeit I found it very very draining. But getting back home from work in the evening I felt strong and convinced that I was going to have another clean day. That was going well until I found myself just browsing YouTube fairly mindlessly, and before I knew it, searching for risqué content which then went full blown into streaming P onto my TV. It was obviously pretty crappy but I took some solace in the fact that it was all over fairly quickly and, by virtue of me just accessing it all via my phone, rather than a laptop, meant I didn't buy any content or log into old haunts. It's not the best of silver linings but it is something.

Since then, I managed to white knuckle my way through Friday and today has been a bit better again, although there are some pretty recurrent cravings lurking, a desire to see more, which is of course the chaser effect coming to try and make me fall again.

It's meant that these 2 days have been much harder than any other recent days but I'm getting through them and hoping (and planning for) tomorrow will be a bit easier.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @searching4good, just get back on the horse and keep on moving.

 

[searching4good]

I've had a rough couple of weeks since I last posted. Was slipping back into bad habits but still maintaining some semblance of control until last Thursday when I slipped really badly. I ended up buying a laptop on the way home from work essentially just so I could use it to binge on PMO. And boy did I. Big sessions on Thursday night into Friday morning and then same again on Friday night. A weekend away with the GF gave me a pause but I was at it again on Monday and then this evening too. Money I had saved up frittered away on subs and other base things. All such a waste and completely self defeating. Somehow I've managed to tear myself away from it all and have spent the last couple of hours having some form of reset - wiping the laptop and getting myself ready for a day in the office tomorrow and a shot at getting back on the wagon.

I said to myself at the start of the year that 2024 has to be different, but I'm a long way from that right now. On the flipside, it I can extricate myself from this current rut, then it will be a much shorter proper lapse than previous ones have proven to be. And there's an awful amount of learning and reaffirmation I can take from the last few days. Getting back on here is one of these small steps. I'm going to give tomorrow the best shot I have. There is so much more to lose if I don't. And so much to gain it I do.

Day 0

 

[darktime]

Son paylaşımımdan bu yana zorlu birkaç hafta geçirdim. Kötü alışkanlıklara geri dönüyordum ama geçen perşembe gerçekten kötü bir şekilde kaydığım zamana kadar hala bir miktar kontrolü koruyordum. İşten eve dönerken bir dizüstü bilgisayar satın aldım, esasen onu PMO'da aşırıya kaçmak için kullanabilmek için. Ve ben de öyle yaptım. Perşembe gecesinden Cuma sabahına kadar büyük seanslar ve ardından Cuma gecesi yine aynısı. GF'yle geçirdiğim bir hafta sonu tatili bana biraz ara verdi ama Pazartesi günü ve bu akşam da yine oradaydım. Biriktirdiğim para abonelere ve diğer temel şeylere çarçur edildi. Bunların hepsi israf ve tamamen kendi kendini yenilgiye uğratmak. Her nasılsa kendimi hepsinden uzaklaştırmayı başardım ve son birkaç saatimi bir tür sıfırlama yaparak geçirdim - dizüstü bilgisayarı sildim ve kendimi yarın ofiste geçireceğim bir güne ve arabaya geri dönme şansına hazırladım.

Bu yılın başında kendi kendime 2024'ün farklı olması gerektiğini söylemiştim ama şu anda bundan çok uzağım. Öte yandan, eğer kendimi bu mevcut rutinden kurtarabilirsem, bu daha öncekilerin kanıtladığından çok daha kısa bir doğru sapma olacaktır. Ve son birkaç günden alabileceğim çok fazla öğrenme ve doğrulama var. Buraya geri dönmek bu küçük adımlardan biri. Yarın elimdeki en iyi atışı yapacağım. Yapmazsam kaybedecek daha çok şeyim var. Ve bunu kazanmak için o kadar çok şey yapıyorum ki.

0. Gün

 

[darktime]

Umarım başarılı olursun ve bu durumdan kurtulursun. Yalnız değilsin

 

[Dungalef]

How's it going, brother?

 

[searching4good]

How's it going, brother?

Thanks for checking in @Dungalef - truthfully, not well. The last couple of weeks have been filled with more binges and not really trying that hard at all to get out of the hole. There's been a lot of wasted time, energy and money poured into the never ending pit of filth in this time and I can feel things escalating, in a really self destructive way.

By hook or crook I've managed to come up for air and am coming to the end of 2 days clean today. This has been a significantly better day than many others recently - faced with a big work crunch I actually faced into it rather than trying to bury myself away, and have spent essentially 9 hours on an important non stop to get it over the line.

There's more to do tomorrow, and more to post about the last couple of weeks, but I can go to bed today knowing that I have faced into being a man and taken ownership of my situation. There's no reason why I can't keep at that and make it a habit.

Thanks again @Dungalef it means a lot.

 

[searching4good]

Ended up slipping Monday and Tuesday, which was not great, but they were also less self destructive slips than what has come before over the last few weeks.

Yesterday I returned a laptop I had basically purchased nearly a month ago in a moment of weakness so I could dive back into p*rn. By the grace of god I managed to secure a full refund for it and it's left me with a sense of freedom and lightness that has been sorely missing recently.

I know I have so much work to do but it feels good to be at the end of 2 days clean, knowing I've made positive changes and, for at least 48 hours, am doing the best I can.

Tomorrow is another opportunity to put some more distance between me and p*rn as well.