Starting again

[searching4good]

Thanks so much @downhillfromhere you're completely right. It's great to see you on here again.

Yesterday certainly still feels like a significant milestone for me and I do feel like a new energy has started to well up within me, although I'm mindful that 'this time it's different' is a place I've been before. And that I probably also need to avoid the trap of seeing things in all or nothing terms. The path to where I want to be will more than likely not be linear, but I've got to make sure I'm still always, broadly heading in the right direction.

Today was a day of mixed emotions. Spent some of it with the parents which elicited a lot of stress for various reasons. And that seemed to trigger my face feeling all red, blotchy and flushed. The physical reaction was a lot more noticeable this time than normal, and really makes me feel quite crappy if I'm being honest.

But in better news, I went for a run - my first in a long time - and even though I am way, way behind where I used to be, it was a real sense of achievement to get it done. I had a few work items I had on a to do list inside my head which I didn't get round to, but I at least did do a few life admin-y things, the kind of which take longer than one thinks, and which, if I hadn't had gotten round to, would have quite easily started to make me feel a bit overwhelmed quite quickly.

Desire to engage in PMO has generally been pretty low today, bar one moment after lunch, but I seemed to be able to brush it off fairly easily. So that makes it a weekend fully clean, which is something I will congratulate myself for. There's so much to work on and so much to try and unpick, but for now it's one step at a time and trying not to lose focus from what's immediately in front of me. And that's getting through another day clean, living a day that I can be at peace with when my head touches the pillow.

Day 2

 

[searching4good]

Day 3

 

[searching4good]

After 3 of the best days in a long while, this evening I got back to my flat to be alone for the first time since Saturday morning, and I slipped.

I went on autopilot and just found myself logging back into the same old websites. Even as I was doing it, I really wasn't enjoying it, I wasn't getting that intense rush that you sometimes get, I was just using for the sake of using.

I ended up not being able to tear myself away, but in more positive news I resisted spending any money on buying content, and I managed to not let the sorry episode drag on too long, meaning I'm getting to bed at a reasonable time (although still a bit later than is ideal).

I'm also on here posting, which is something else good too. I am aware of the chaser effect tomorrow, and I therefore reset my counter with humility. Getting through tomorrow is now the only thing in my power and what I will strive for. I also have the strong feeling that, again, I cannot be trusted to have my own personal laptop whilst still living by myself. I need to either find a way of selling it, or getting rid of it. Either way, it's a trigger that I have the power to remove.

I go again...

 

[chap]

hey, how are you doing today? it was really moving, reading your log from saturday. i haven’t been on lately and decided to snoop a bit. i should get back on too.

 

[searching4good]

Thanks @chap for the kind words and checking in. I had a couple of more difficult days after my last post but I made a concerted effort to try and get back on the path yesterday, and am closing in on 2 clean days now.

I'm identifying a few areas where I can make meaningful improvements to my health, which has definitely taken a nosedive the last couple of years as I've generally not looked after myself at all - eating crap and stopping working out regularly. Even small steps in the right direction provides a good feeling, so that's definitely something I need to lean into more.

I really can't look much further ahead than a day by day approach at the moment, but I'm back here and trying again, which I'll hold onto.

 

[chap]

Thanks @chap for the kind words and checking in. I had a couple of more difficult days after my last post but I made a concerted effort to try and get back on the path yesterday, and am closing in on 2 clean days now.

I'm identifying a few areas where I can make meaningful improvements to my health, which has definitely taken a nosedive the last couple of years as I've generally not looked after myself at all - eating crap and stopping working out regularly. Even small steps in the right direction provides a good feeling, so that's definitely something I need to lean into more.

I really can't look much further ahead than a day by day approach at the moment, but I'm back here and trying again, which I'll hold onto.

i think every person on this platform could all agree that that is an effort worth pursuing and that we might just have to take it one day at a time. the unit of one is mighty powerful. i’m wishing you the best in your forthcoming days!

 

[searching4good]

Yesterday was another clean day, spent with the GF and doing nice things. Today will in theory present much more of a test - back at work, and then back to my flat this evening to have time by myself. I can and will stay strong.

 

[chap]

@searching4good , i’m glad to hear about yesterday. you know what you got to do today—you got this! stay strong brother.

 

[searching4good]

I'm really down on myself but I didn't make it today. I got home from work, went on autopilot and fired up old websites. Things escalated and I found myself on a video call several hours later, when really I should have been getting an early night as I have so much work to do by 9am tomorrow. That's the truth of it - when the chips were down, I didn't have the metal. Again.

I'm taking a miniscule amount of solace from the fact that I've made it on here, but I've really let myself down.

All I can say is that I'll go again tomorrow, but damn, it feels hollow right now.

 

[searching4good]

Today was also not a good day - repeated actions and damaging consequences, if not worse than yesterday.

Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day as a result, as I'm going to be way down on sleep. I know this can't go on as it is, I am letting myself down and those around me, by falling so far short of the person who I can be.

I am however still on here and I will keep this going as much as I can regardless. This is all I have for now as I really need to sleep. But as I write this, I realise I need to commit to spending more time on a longer, reflective post as soon as I can. And within that, I need to set out some clear actions that will help to put a better structure in place for me, and give me a better chance of avoiding these crushing pitfalls. Things like removing temptation, ripping up the CC I use for my illicit subscriptions, having healthy eating and exercise committments, etc etc.

I'm still just about in the fight, and tomorrow is the best opportunity I'll have.

 

[Androg]

I'm really down on myself but I didn't make it today. I got home from work, went on autopilot and fired up old websites. Things escalated and I found myself on a video call several hours later, when really I should have been getting an early night as I have so much work to do by 9am tomorrow. That's the truth of it - when the chips were down, I didn't have the metal. Again.

I'm taking a miniscule amount of solace from the fact that I've made it on here, but I've really let myself down.

All I can say is that I'll go again tomorrow, but damn, it feels hollow right now.

It’s never too late to start again.

 

[searching4good]

Thank you @Androg, you are right.

Today did not start well. I woke up exhausted, unsurprisingly as I barely had 4 hours sleep, and despite my words last night, medicated feeling like crap with PMO. set me off on a horrendous footing for the day, but I slowly managed to turn the ship around after lunch and had an evening of deep cleaning the flat, and getting a few things in order.

I'm still kicking myself for the damage caused by the last few days (even though I know it's the wrong way of looking at it) but I'm taking some solace in how today has ended, and by the fact that I'm checking in here more consistently.

I might not be succeeding, but I'm trying, and god knows that hasn't always been the case these past few months. I will get there eventually...

 

[Androg]

No beating up on yourself. Keep your eye on the prize of wellbeing, and don't let the intervening misery get you down.

 

[searching4good]

The last few days haven't been so good, and I've gotten out of the habit of posting. Multiple slips, damaging behaviour, spending money I don't have and feeling shitty about things.

Today however was a pretty seismic day. I had my second therapy session and I was able to bring myself to verbalise to my therapist that I have a porn addiction, and desperately want to change this. For the first time another 'in real life' human knows about my hitherto secret, and I was able to have an all things considered healthy, constructive and practical discussion about this thing I've been bottling up for so long.

It felt really good. It also felt like some of the power that porn holds over me has been eroded now that it's not a secret that's exclusively flying around in my head. It's something the therapist says he comes across with increasing frequency and we're going to spend next week's session digging into things in more detail, including some potential tools to help me.

All in all, it went as well as it could have done and I recognise the gravity of the moment. No, I'm not cured and there is so much hard work ahead of me, but I have hope. Tomorrow I'll post more. Oh, and today was a clean day.

Day 1

 

[searching4good]

It's another day 1 but it was a good day. Therapy again and we got into some really promising discussions about practical things I really need to start doing. There were 11 areas for me to work on and work out.

I don't have the time to post in detail about them now because I have an early start and I need to prioritise sleep, but I'm feeling good about it and things more generally.

Day 1

 

[searching4good]

Since my last post I've reached day 4 and day 3 of respective little runs before falling back into bad habits, albeit not quite as deeply as a few weeks ago.

Today has been the first day clean of a 'new' run. This morning started with a brief glimpse on old websites on my phone in bed which obviously wasn't ideal, but I managed to shake myself out of that space and in a rush of... something, finally just took the personal laptop that I've been using for porn and ran the thing under a tap. God it's a waste of resource and maybe I could have just sold it instead, but I knew in that moment I had to capitalise on the feeling, as I've been putting it off for sooo long, and ultimately, having it there in the flat is akin to an alcoholic living with an open, well stocked liquor cabinet. At least that's how it's for me, as I have proven over and over and over again.

It's felt really good and today has been a good day, but I'm so mindful that I'm surfing that initial post 'i've done a single virtuous thing' feeling, and the hard days are coming up. It's therapy again at the end of the week and in last week's session we discussed a step where I spend some time putting pen to paper on the reasons why I really need to kick this thing. I'm going to do that as an actual pen and paper exercise, and I just feel that it's going to be really really important to getting it all out there, and having something to draw on when the cravings next hit. Realistically the earliest I can get to this is tomorrow evening, or more likely Friday. I will do my best to make the time.

I'm also working on mixing up my routines and putting other things in place to replace the gaping hole in my 'activities' that no more porn will create.

I'm under no illusions about the task ahead of me, but fuckkkk I need to get on top of this now. Failure to do so will genuinely be the ruin of me - financially, spirituality, physically. However it's come to pass, this is my life's battle and I've got to fortify myself for what's ahead.

As I turn in for tonight though, I can know today has been a good one.

Day 1

 

[searching4good]

I'm bone tired - work today has been hard, and I'm still in the middle of the storm. Have a really early start tomorrow and a big meeting to run, which is causing no small degree of angst.

So it's only a brief post. Today has been clean. Several moments when urges came on strongly, and it took real effort to ride out the waves. But those waves dissipated and despite the general stress I'm feeling, I'm feeling good in how I handled it all. 24 hours is 24 hours, but perhaps days like today count a little more in the grand scheme of things.

I'm sure I'll get through what tomorrow has to throw at me and be better for it too.

Day 2

 

[Androg]

Good luck tomorrow!

 

[searching4good]

Thank you @Androg !

I've been looking forward to posting at the end of today - that big work thing I was so stressed about went really well, and I had some excellent feedback. Today was full on, and a super early start and relatively late finish, but it was another clean day. As authentic a day as it comes - life throwing its stuff at me, and me being ok with it, processing it and not medicating myself with porn.

I also had therapy again today and felt like I made real progress in talking through the things I need to put into place to make these changes sustainable and ultimately 'forever'. A realisation that doing all of this is going to probably constitute the biggest change I've ever so intentionally made in my life - and therefore all the things that come with making it a success. Planning, hard work, substitutions for how I used to spend my time... without wanting to fall into complacency AT ALL, it's felt like some things at least are clicking into place a little bit. All the same it's only 3 days, but, I'm here and I'm fighting and I've won the battle of today.

Day 3

 

[Androg]

Congratulations!