I'm Still Here

[DNihil]

I title this journal "I'm Still Here" for a variety of reasons: for one, I've been trying to quit porn for over a year, but I'm still stuck in the same place. Second, I'm still alive and kicking even though recovery is anguishing. Also, I feel connected to the people around me more than ever; I'm not hiding in my room masturbating and using drugs as often as I was in the past. Finally, the title refers to the shame of hearing people talk about me negatively. I'm not dead- I hear almost everything they say about me. Why talk about me if I'm still here?
I tried to install as many porn-blocking programs on my PC as possible today. While reading "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson, I saw that I might improve my chances of recovering by installing a blocker on my computer. The programs never worked in the past since I'd always try to find my way around the blocks. At first, I'd test the blockers' efficacy. Then, I'd turn off the blockers to deliberately look at porn when the cravings intensified. Today was different since I installed about four or five blockers at once. However, I tried looking for nude pictures on Google and my hopes were crushed; the blockers couldn't keep out everything. Luckily, OpenDNS works like a charm: I have to wait a few minutes before I can change the settings on my PC. This should give me some time to think before I doing anything rash. I'm using Anti Porn Pro to filter out some of the results on Google. Yet this extension is very easy to disable on Chrome, so I don't feel secure.
I don't feel secure in life in general. I'm barely keeping up in my school, drawing away from my friends, and losing money faster than I can earn it. Sometimes I think I'd be able to focus on my recovery from porn if I took some time off from school. But my family always pressures me to keep pursuing school. Considering that the pornography addiction brings suicide to mind as a potential solution, I think focusing on recovery seems optimal. I'm in a very desperate state and in no condition to keep studying.

 

[DNihil]

I was able to hang out with friends yesterday and managed not to look at porn and masturbate afterwards. I'll be seeing friends today, so I have to keep up the good behavior.

 

[DNihil]

I relapsed, but in the spirit of this journal, I'll continue writing. I've gone almost 4 days without looking at porn and masturbating. The hardest part is getting through the nights since I used to view porn habitually before going to bed. I'm also having a difficult time avoiding drugs at night since I got high while viewing porn when I was younger. The drugs cloud my judgment; which makes it difficult for me to avoid porn. At the behest of my therapist, I'll be going to a sex addicts anonymous meeting soon.

 

[DNihil]

I'm still here. I've gone only about 12 days without masturbating to porn, even though I masturbate every day and fantasize about porn while I do so. Despite what my counter says, I've only made improvements since the 11th of this month. I tried getting high and drinking to improve my mood during my reboot, but I ran out of booze and weed. Now I'm feeling the full extent of porn withdrawal. Every so often, I enter the name of a porn star in google and scan the results; looking for a nipple or areola in any of the revealing pictures. Usually, I succeed.
I feel more depressed than ever these past couple of days. Sometimes I think I'll never be happy again without looking at pornography. Last night, I had a dream that I cheated on my girlfriend with a coworker. Then I woke up and felt sorry to be alive. I'm constantly fighting the urge to look at porn and masturbate. From the time I wake up until I go to bed, I have to deny myself the gratification.
I will restart my counter since I'm clearly not abstaining from viewing porn or masturbating. I hope anyone kind enough to make it to the bottom of this entry recovers happily.
Love,
D Nihil

 

[DNihil]

4 days in, I've stayed clean. The trick has been going to SAA meetings and a therapist. The most relapsing I've done was typing in a pornstar's name in to Youtube. I never saw anything explicit.

 

[souljah]

Hi DNihil,
How much time do you spend online? I'd suggest you only surf the internet when you need to check emails, facebook, reboot nation, do research for school etc.

You mentioned people talking about you. Who are they and what are they talking?

Weed and booze can ease your anxiety but also numb you to the pain and regret of relapsing. Sometimes you need to freak out in order to make a change.

Greetings