Need advise to Help me & my wife please.

[SRM]

Hi new to site been doing some reading and found a lot of great info.
I could use some advise.
Quick break down of what i have been doing secretly for 2 years.
Veiwing P and M often when wife wasnt home and sleeping for 2 years.
Effected every part of my life in one way or another i know now.
Taking cealis & also viagra without my wifes knowledge , as i couldnt live both lives without the help of ED drugs.
So fast forward to the awkward moment when it all came to light.

I was caught  living my secret life by my wife on May 28th.
Stopped cold turkey on the pills May 28th.
Stopped veiwing P cold turkey
Came clean on everything.

Thanks to learning threw Gabes vidoes & site and YBOP of the effects it was having on me causeing the ED I DONT WANT it anymore EVER in my life or in my head !!!
But im still having problems down there.

I feel i have done all i can and now i beleive i have also developed performance anxiety.
I cant stay focused. And i try almost nightly to satify my wife and most times its a roller coaster ride for both of us, even though we both want each other.
Some nights are great some nights are a flop!
We have a wonderful full life that has been torn apart by this , my wife is so unhappy and angry with the loss of trust that it effects me daily and her a lot !!! It just never seems to end!
We see marrage counselor. ( sometimes she wont go )
Read Porn trap ( helped greatly )
Seen doctors and have had tests done.

Now im still having to deal with ED that comes and goes and its killing our marriage.
what more can i do or what am i doing wrong.

Thanks in advance for advise and reading.
SRM.

 

[savingmysoul]

Hey SRM,

Welcome to the Nation.  You have taken a great step toward being a better person.

My story is very similar to yours, check out my journal in 40 year old section, journal called SMS. 

wanted to reach out and say hello tonite, will get back to soon.  Not enough time right now.

Hang tough my brother, you are not alone.  Find your strength.

SMS

 

[SRM]

Thank you very much !!
Spent some time reading your thread and got some help from it i thank you.
I will be following it.
Sounds like you are winning this battle!!!

Went out for  the weekend with my wife and again it was difficult...
I love her SO much and want her but i cant stay focused! PIED and performance anxiety is a bad cocktail.
My wife says she just cant stand the pain anymore of feeling regected and unwanted
And ordered a old refill of ceialis today that i quit cold turkey back in may along with the P &M
not sure if its a good or bad idea ?if it could be just a triggering something
though i never want to go back to it /P now that i know the damage it does to a man.
No way no how !!!
she has also said many times it just wont feel Like im really there its the medicine and inside i KNOW she is agaianst it!!
Just not sure if this is the way to go to get my confedense back or a set back in becoming the man i used to be naturally again! CONFUSED. Or losing my wife cause i have a feeling though she is here now , i wonder if she will be here next week ...its been really rough on her and that makes it rough on me and then rough on my confidence.
But she is hurt and Angry as i understand, but everyday she is just a mess and has been told to
Seek help for her depression and wont.
We have been like glue our whole 15 years together i cant imagine life without her.

Excuse my grammar but thats the best i can do.

Thanks Again SRM

 

[savingmysoul]

Hey SRM,

How are you holding up?  I hope that all is going as well as can be hoped for.  Not the best of times to be sure.

My wife caught me on December 31st of 2013 - While I have been P & M free since that morning, I am still dealing very much with the effects of what all that did to my brain and to my body.

I am still struggling heavily with PIED.  My wife and I were together when we could be throughout most of this period - I did complete a 6 week period recently with no O, and have experienced very limited improvement.  I am getting morning wood regularly, quality has improved as has the duration.  I also am starting to experience night wood?  Also can be pretty solid and last.  However, when my wife and I try to be together - nothing, usually nothing.  Sometimes I respond and lose it, I respond only half way.  It is a process and everyone is different.  It will take time, one day at a time.  Also, we have agreed that my reboot/rewire will not include ED drugs.  Our choice, not judging.

My goal is to get back to where I can respond to her just by kissing, cuddling, carressing.  I do try to take care of her as often as possible, but that too is an area of disappointment.  It can leave her feeling alone and unfulfilled.  Worried now about needing that constant stimulation once I do respond.

Being able to be with my wife is, in our opinion, very important for our healing to go forward.  We both understand what I have done to my body, and why it is reacting the way that it is - but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  Knowing what I have done to her and to our relationship has left me dealing with a tremendous amount of self-loathing, very disappointed in the fact that I chose to do this knowing the pain it would cause - That together with the pain of disappointing her over and over when we try to be together has really done a number on my headspace.  I do believe that a part of my PIED issue is anxiety, self created.  There is a lot on this board about forgetting about the penis and all that  - and it is good stuff - still doesn't make it easier.  I need to be stronger and get my head together - get my head past this - to be there for my wife.  I did this, I need to fix this.

My wife is angry, disappointed - her world blown apart.  But she has found the strength to stand beside me and support me as I, we, get through this.  We have good days and we have bad days - her pain is going to take a long time to recede.  The wounds are very deep.  You and I need to continue to be patience, stay on track and away from P & M forever.  These wounds will need to have the scabs picked at from time to time.  They will bleed over and again - but that is a part of the healing process.  You and I need to be supportive.  If we are that fortunate to have wives willing to help us to find a way through this, we need to be their for them every single day.  Continue to give them reason to want to find a better, closer relationship.  Continue to show them we are worth fighting for.

The biggest issue with dealing with PIED is that there is no manual, there is no tried and true path through this.  Everyone is different.  There is a lot of helpful information out there, but whether this or that will work is questionable.  The big thing is to stay away from P & M.  That part is pretty much a given.  I would even say that staying away from O'ing is very helpful also.  You can try to exercise, watch your diet, you can meditate.  All that is great - but I think the bottom line is this process will take as long as it takes.  These things may shorten that time, but probably not by much.  Where these types of activities can have a big impact is how they can help you feel better about yourself, that you have some control.  They can help to frame things in a better light for you - and if that makes you feel better, you will be on better footing to deal with what is going on in your head.  At least that is what I hope.

Hang in there SRM, everything I have read is that this does get better - it is just a matter of how long it can take. 

I look forward to hearing how you are doing,

SMS