Day 16-
Today was a really rough day..... I finally, after 12 years of being with my wife, owned this "Dirty Little Secret" and confessed that I had a problem to her. It was getting to be way tooo much, to have to sneak around for my recovery. Yesterday I wrote my journal entry when she wasn't looking, because I was scared she would find out......this week has been a myriad of sleepless nights, because of the same, the guilt was eating me alive.
A little background, my wife's ex had the same issue as me, which completely wrecked my wife....among other things. Me, going into this relationship was thinking... "I can stop anytime I want, I'll just stop when I am married, it will be all good, I won't be like him." The reality, honeymoon phase falls off, I have needs, I do what I always did, I took care of them. I was always taught, that this was normal and how we "Men" took care of ourselves and learned about sex (from my Friends, My parents had their own issues to deal with). As the years passed, I would stop for a bit, and say "I'm really going to do it this time", and then boom, this is strange, I did it again.
We had a myriad of issues arise with our kids and with our exes, at which point it was found out one of our kids was struggling with similar, maybe a bit more severe issues. Over the years with all of the guilt and all of the shame, and then dealing with all of the drama from these events, I just never felt there was ever a good time to own it (as if there is ever a good time for this crap), despite how many time I tried to quit. Long story long, I've been lying to my wife since I met her, and it is absolutely appalling how crappy that is.
I am now staying at my parents house, I already miss my Wife, my Kids, my house and my dog. My wife has told me she wants a "divorce, and that this is an issue she just can't deal with. She doesn't know who I am", because of the above.... Unfortunately. I feel that I've been so much more than this dirty secret, but I understand what she means. It's hard to trust once that trust has been broken. I love my wife with all of my heart, and it absolutely kills me the pain she is going through because of what I have done.
I hope she can forgive me one day.
Despite all of this, I'm pushing through. This crap has to go. I can no longer let it be a part of my life. I need this for me.....and hopefully one day if she will forgive me, I can finally be the right kind of man for her,........no longer failing miserably behind closed doors. Doing the right thing all of the time, especially when no one is looking.
I hope the same for everyone else in here, who is going through similar issues. Keep your head up...and I will try and do the same.
Goodnight All!
, just doesn't feel right. Ready to go home. Went to work after not being able to sleep, last night. Had counseling appointment, which was good. Now getting ready to watch non-PMO movie and go to sleep.
. I know I still have a huge amount of work to do, but just thankful that there is a little hope. 