Self conscious

[BetrayedHurtAngry]

It's been approximately 2 months since the day my husband confessed. We've been through it all in these two months: from me screaming and cursing him, to reading the recommended books, to endless amounts of "relations" to numb my pain and ensure we are both getting what we need, to self harm on my part. I am recovering, but it comes in waves as you all know. I write in my journal when new feelings emerge, and we have been a lot more open. But I'm still so self-conscious. I have looked at endless amounts of normal breast/labia galleries because I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel so ugly and gross. I found out that my husband is a "boob guy." I never knew that before. When we got married I wore a size b, so naturally he's never told me he loves boobs. Now my breasts are used and not perky and pretty like they used to be. I've nursed both of our children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third. To find out he is a boob guy has completely ruined me. He says mine are perfect and that it's "quality over quantity" for him, but then I feel like then why the f where you staring at other women's if mine are so perfect? He also confessed to looking and sexualizing women in public. I can't leave the house with him without constantly "assessing the threat." I'll see a woman on social media or TV and wonder why I can't have a beautiful body like that. I'm constantly comparing myself. I just want to be happy in my body, but I physically can't. Not knowing what he was looking at. I feel miserable and like I can't function. I think I'll find a therapist once we move in a few months.


How did you ladies deal with these feelings of inadequacy and insecurities? I try to tell myself it's not my fault, then I imagine him searching those videos and images with me awake (wanting him) in the next room and that goes out the window. I just want to scream. Why why why would they do this to us???

 

[Sammyjo]

Hi B...I'm still trying to figure that out, but only been a month for me. I'm in relatively good shape for 56, despite some physical limitations. Barely an A cup (boobs shrunk after having kids oddly enough), but I went through menopause in my late 30's and lack of estrogen and other hormones are really taking a toll on my body. Losing muscle tone and, DEAR GOD!, my skin...looks like it's falling off of me (inability to eat much since finding out isn't helping with that!), and the stress is causing my hair to thin out.

Not for nothing...he's losing his hair and would need to lose quite a bit of weight it he wants to look like Brad Pitt. If only that thought helped!

As for therapy, let me know how it goes. I've done it before (when I first found out 10 years ago...damn I'm gullible!). It was all about working on me to make me feel good about myself - but it never took away the feeling that I am sexually inadequate to my husband.

So as I see it there is a positive and negative side to understanding how common P addiction is...On the positive site it helps make sense of WHAT happened (but not really the why). On the negative side, after doing so much reading on the topic I have a deep intolerance for men in general. My ego used to get boosted if I saw a guy checking me out, but now all I can think is "here is another guy addicted to porn ogling me - is he going to go home and _________ to the image of me?" or "his poor wife" (sitting right next to him)....or just "ASSHOLE!" With all the information I have read, I have no reason to believe that any man with access to the internet is not addicted.

Frankly that is most likely the reason I didn't leave him this time. Other than the P and lying about it he is a very good man, we make a good team. Why blow all these years of marriage for some other P addict that I don't know. Kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

Cheers!

PS - Let me know if you benefit from therapy, maybe I just need a better one.

 

[Sammyjo]

Hi Again B,

For all those who may read, NSFW

I'm making a bit of progress in this area, and it is NOT easy. Because I am so small breasted, and the fact that most of his "google searches" include the term "big boobs", my biggest insecurity is him touching my breasts. We were having sex a few nights ago and he started touching my breasts, I started to mentally cringe. Then I realized that touching me that way didn't cause him to lose his erection. (Certainly he couldn't be imagining big breasts with less than 1/2 a handful in his hand) - That was a relief and I was less self conscious during the rest of our "encounter". I will continue to pay attention to these types of cues.

Another thing I did was keep my eyes open during sex - I NEVER do that (not sure why). He was on top, and I stared directly into his eyes, I wanted to make sure he was looking at me and not fanaticizing (NO WAY he could be thinking about anything but me the way I was staring at him) and he seemed to enjoy himself and was able to finish.

My saggy skin issue, well, I don't know how to get past that one - "hot college girls with big boobs" all have nice taut young skin I've been trying to do things like get dressed and undressed while he's in the room with lights on but I do it VERY quickly. It's weird, it's not noticeable when I'm laying down, so walking around naked is when I feel most self conscious. I did wear a mini skirt the other day, and when I changed into sweat pants he said "no more sexy legs for me tonight?"...that made me feel good and also made me wonder if he hasn't noticed my skin issue. BUT I can't hide it forever, and at at my age, well, it's not ever going to look like a hot college girl again.

 

[GrateClips]

It's been approximately 2 months since the day my husband confessed. We've been through it all in these two months: from me screaming and cursing him, to reading the recommended books, to endless amounts of "relations" to numb my pain and ensure we are both getting what we need, to self harm on my part. I am recovering, but it comes in waves as you all know. I write in my journal when new feelings emerge, and we have been a lot more open. But I'm still so self-conscious. I have looked at endless amounts of normal breast/labia galleries because I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel so ugly and gross. I found out that my husband is a "boob guy." I never knew that before. When we got married I wore a size b, so naturally he's never told me he loves boobs. Now my breasts are used and not perky and pretty like they used to be. I've nursed both of our children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third. To find out he is a boob guy has completely ruined me. He says mine are perfect and that it's "quality over quantity" for him, but then I feel like then why the f where you staring at other women's if mine are so perfect? He also confessed to looking and sexualizing women in public. I can't leave the house with him without constantly "assessing the threat." I'll see a woman on social media or TV and wonder why I can't have a beautiful body like that. I'm constantly comparing myself. I just want to be happy in my body, but I physically can't. Not knowing what he was looking at. I feel miserable and like I can't function. I think I'll find a therapist once we move in a few months.


How did you ladies deal with these feelings of inadequacy and insecurities? I try to tell myself it's not my fault, then I imagine him searching those videos and images with me awake (wanting him) in the next room and that goes out the window. I just want to scream. Why why why would they do this to us???

from a guy who is trying to recover and heal his own relationship:

I'm going to tell you: there is nothing wrong with you. there is something wrong with him. probably something deep, dark that has caused him to forsake the real wonderful woman he is with for a world of other temptations.

I'm pretty sure if there was a picture of you on this thread you would receive many complements.

the real question becomes: why is he the way he is? (probably something from the past, causing sex addiction). And more importantly does he want to change?

As for why "we" would do this to you? that's not an easy question to answer. I know for me, I have attachment issues and insecurity which led down a dark path into a world where I did not appreciate the wonderful beautiful woman right in front of me and instead attached to a fake world of women who change constantly and never say no. At least the light is now shining down (harshly) on me, and I can see my errors and what I need to do to right myself. I hope he wants to change too.

I wish you the best. Please do not put yourself down.