Why does his problem leave me feeling so worthless?

[My husband is an addict]

We have been married for 25 years and he stopped watching porn a year ago and still can’t get and/or keep an erection with me? He hasn’t had an orgasim inside of me for 9 Years! Is it time for me to just accept that I’m not the teen girls with bald vaginas that turn him on in porn and just leave?
I’m a very fit woman, athletic build. I look mostly like I did when we married. He says that’s what he likes, but I can’t seem to do it for him. I’m feeling so lost, helpless, worthless and hopeless. I feel so stupid and used up.
Like many people on here, our story is a long and complicated one. He has always made me feel/think that I was the problem when all along it was him and his porn.

Any advice would be appreciated, I don`t know what to do anymore.

 

[joepanic]

This posting probably belongs more in the partners section You would find more support there

 

[TryingHarder]

Porn addictions are obviously very disturbing to partners. All of your confusion is completely understandable. Hate the addiction, not your husband. I know that's easier said than done, but maybe consider how you would feel if this was another addiction (alcohol, gambling). It's your husband who has to beat the addiction, but he will need support and understanding. Once again, easier said than done, but hopefully you will find a way to make this happen.

Couples therapy can help. When I was married, my wife and I did a round of therapy, and my porn addiction was obviously part of the discussion.

 

[Gracie]

Dear My husband,
I am sorry your marriage is going through this. It is indeed a tough time. I too started asking questions on men’s threads/forums because I wanted to know from their perspective what the hell was going on. It helped me and I made some good forum/thread friends. The hiding and the lying are the hardest to deal with. If you like, come on over to the Partner thread. My original story is in the Woman thread under Surprise. Reach out to me by private message here if you like.

 

[joepanic]

Again I believe this is for addicts to post in. Partners have their own section where they be posting and getting responses. Gracie not all of us hid our "porn use" or "lied" about it.

 

[GuitarBuilder]

Hi "My Husband is an Addict". Trust me his issue are not because of you or your looks. His continuing ED problems need to be addressed with a doctor. Viagra or Cialis (and there are others) will most likely fix his issue. Then once he can have PIV sex with you then his total recovery will be within sight. Update us on how it is going for you. Have you all talked about the issues lately?? Let us know!

 

[My husband is an addict]

This posting probably belongs more in the partners section You would find more support there

Again I believe this is for addicts to post in. Partners have their own section where they be posting and getting responses. Gracie not all of us hid our "porn use" or "lied" about it.

Sorry, I had no idea that there were different threads. This is all confusing to me.

 

[Sammyjo]

Hi My Husband,
No worries, you are in the right place, I think maybe somebody moved your thread from wherever it was to here (partners section).

We have been married for 25 years and he stopped watching porn a year ago and still can’t get and/or keep an erection with me? He hasn’t had an orgasim inside of me for 9 Years! Is it time for me to just accept that I’m not the teen girls with bald vaginas that turn him on in porn and just leave?

Good question! From what I've read here many men "flatline" (no desire) for periods of time after quitting porn, and some develop performance ED. There may be other reasons.

As for calling it quits, I don't have an answer for you....wouldn't it be nice if someone could just tell us what to do! Some questions - are you sure he quit and what is he doing to help himself and your relationship? How is your communication about the topic?

Personally I would talk to him about it. I know it can be hard to bring things like this up and have a productive conversation, but without talking about it with him you will never have the answer.

Gracie advised me to read "Love You Hate the Porn", my husband read it as well. It helped a lot and it gives some good tips on effectively communicating.

 

[JSP]

We have been married for 25 years and he stopped watching porn a year ago and still can’t get and/or keep an erection with me? He hasn’t had an orgasim inside of me for 9 Years! Is it time for me to just accept that I’m not the teen girls with bald vaginas that turn him on in porn and just leave?
I’m a very fit woman, athletic build. I look mostly like I did when we married. He says that’s what he likes, but I can’t seem to do it for him. I’m feeling so lost, helpless, worthless and hopeless. I feel so stupid and used up.
Like many people on here, our story is a long and complicated one. He has always made me feel/think that I was the problem when all along it was him and his porn.

Any advice would be appreciated, I don`t know what to do anymore.

Get help. He and you both need a counselor that works in this area. That is what I and my wife are doing right now. It is a struggle to say the least but don’t loose hope. Have faith in each other and get the help. Look into “Celebrate Recovery”. It’s a program for addiction and is nationwide and free. Don’t go be up your relationship for this addiction. Please talk and stay strong!!

 

[joepanic]

Perhaps he needs a visit to the doctor. It may not be "pied" at this point but could be health related. Are you sure he is actually off the porn? Are you certain that "teen girls with bald vaginas were actually his interests. Quite often that isn't the case. I am a 51 year old male and never had an interest in that genre of porn. My interest laid more in mature women more realistic women as many of my peers were also interested in.(thankfully i don't watch any porn anymore)

 

[My husband is an addict]

Porn addictions are obviously very disturbing to partners. All of your confusion is completely understandable. Hate the addiction, not your husband. I know that's easier said than done, but maybe consider how you would feel if this was another addiction (alcohol, gambling). It's your husband who has to beat the addiction, but he will need support and understanding. Once again, easier said than done, but hopefully you will find a way to make this happen.

Couples therapy can help. When I was married, my wife and I did a round of therapy, and my porn addiction was obviously part of the discussion.

I just started to see the responses to my post. I guess I just really don`t understand how this works yet. We have come a long way since my original post. We are both in Counceling together and individually now. We also attend a weekly group together. Things are better, far from a healthy marriage, but a lot better. I have been supportive of him since the beginning, it was him who wasn't so supportive of me. He has improved a lot in that area. He has opened up to me and stopped being defensive. I finally have some hope. Most of the other feelings are still there, just not as deep.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Perhaps he needs a visit to the doctor. It may not be "pied" at this point but could be health related. Are you sure he is actually off the porn? Are you certain that "teen girls with bald vaginas were actually his interests. Quite often that isn't the case. I am a 51 year old male and never had an interest in that genre of porn. My interest laid more in mature women more realistic women as many of my peers were also interested in.(thankfully i don't watch any porn anymore)

He has been to the Dr. and it's defiantly PIED. Since my original post things have improved a lot. He's off porn, I have complete control over everything and he has no problem with it. It's all on what we refer to as "God strict." I know that's what he sought out because that's what he told me. Even in real life he has a problem with 'looking" at every girl that comes into his sight. In his mind, if they look a day over 18, legal of course, they were fair game. They could be 13, as long as the appeared to be legal. He never physically cheated on me, but it hurts just as bad as if he did. I'm learning to come to terms with his sick mind, but I still struggle with it. I paid the biggest prices for his addiction and it is going to take me a long time to get over it, but I'm willing to try.
Congratulations on not watching porn anymore. It seems to be a hard habit to break. He worked in Afghanistan for years, so he was left unchecked. He stopped when he came home for good because he knew that if I found it in my home at all, he was out. I made that clear before we married 25 years ago. So he went back to old faithfuls, lots of movies with sex scenes and looking every chance he got. That has all stopped too. At least the looking in front of me. I have to trust that he isn't doing it when we aren't together.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Get help. He and you both need a counselor that works in this area. That is what I and my wife are doing right now. It is a struggle to say the least but don’t loose hope. Have faith in each other and get the help. Look into “Celebrate Recovery”. It’s a program for addiction and is nationwide and free. Don’t go be up your relationship for this addiction. Please talk and stay strong!!

Thank you. The complete hopelessness I felt is gone. I have some hope now. Once the counselor told him he was a sex addict and he started to come to terms with it, which wasn't right away, he has really made strong efforts. I see him working really hard to get better and be the husband he should have always been. The hardest part for him has been excepting all of the damage he has caused.
Actually since this post we have started going to Celebrate Recovery. They have been a huge help for him. There are men there that he can relate to. Unfortunately, no one that can relate to me. I have no idea if the men are married or if the wives just aren't interested in this program. I don't get any real direct help there, but I do get some support and that feels good. I have always been a Christian and he is finally opening up to the idea that God exist. That is a wonderful feeling for me. I want him to be the man I`ve always seen, the man I fell in love with 26 years ago and still love today.
We have also started Counceling. We found one that specializes in Sex Addiction for him and I found a generic one for myself, but start with a Trauma specialist next week. We also have been going to marriage counseling.
Finally not everyday is a living hell. We actually have more good days than bad, but boy, oh boy, the bad are bad. We have hope that they will get better.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Hi My Husband,
No worries, you are in the right place, I think maybe somebody moved your thread from wherever it was to here (partners section).



Good question! From what I've read here many men "flatline" (no desire) for periods of time after quitting porn, and some develop performance ED. There may be other reasons.

As for calling it quits, I don't have an answer for you....wouldn't it be nice if someone could just tell us what to do! Some questions - are you sure he quit and what is he doing to help himself and your relationship? How is your communication about the topic?

Personally I would talk to him about it. I know it can be hard to bring things like this up and have a productive conversation, but without talking about it with him you will never have the answer.

Gracie advised me to read "Love You Hate the Porn", my husband read it as well. It helped a lot and it gives some good tips on effectively communicating.

Since my post he is doing better, we are doing better. First thing is that he is actually being intimate with me and not just having sex with my body, he touches me and cares how I feel about it! He has seen a Dr and found that he is healthy so he got some little pills to help him out until he can do it all by himself. Which even that has greatly improved. He even finally had an orgasim inside me after all those years!
He has opened up to me and become vulnerable for the first time in our 28 year relationship and 25 year marriage. We actually talk and for the first time ever, I feel like he hears me. I now know how he feels and we know what his trauma was and how this all started. Our communication is better than it has ever been. We are finally becoming true friends. It is going to take a lot of time and work, but I actually believe we can make it if he keeps doing the work. I have loved him for over half of my life and I don't want to stop now.
He has given me a full disclosure letter and agreed to a polygraph. He goes to group every week and started seeing a counselor that specializes in sex addiction. We have everything on lockdown, God mode as he calls it. He was the one that wanted it so that I could begin to trust him.

 

[Sammyjo]

WOW!!! That is AWESOME! I'm so happy for you!

 

[JSP]

Thank you. The complete hopelessness I felt is gone. I have some hope now. Once the counselor told him he was a sex addict and he started to come to terms with it, which wasn't right away, he has really made strong efforts. I see him working really hard to get better and be the husband he should have always been. The hardest part for him has been excepting all of the damage he has caused.
Actually since this post we have started going to Celebrate Recovery. They have been a huge help for him. There are men there that he can relate to. Unfortunately, no one that can relate to me. I have no idea if the men are married or if the wives just aren't interested in this program. I don't get any real direct help there, but I do get some support and that feels good. I have always been a Christian and he is finally opening up to the idea that God exist. That is a wonderful feeling for me. I want him to be the man I`ve always seen, the man I fell in love with 26 years ago and still love today.
We have also started Counceling. We found one that specializes in Sex Addiction for him and I found a generic one for myself, but start with a Trauma specialist next week. We also have been going to marriage counseling.
Finally not everyday is a living hell. We actually have more good days than bad, but boy, oh boy, the bad are bad. We have hope that they will get better.

Wow. So happy for you guys!!! Keep up the hard work and have faith and support each other too. You both need each other’s support. Glad you are both seeing counselors. It helps a lot

 

[My husband is an addict]

WOW!!! That is AWESOME! I'm so happy for you!

I wish I could say it has continued. We are at a couple of very bad days now. I foldout that his disclosure letter wasn't a full disclosure so I got blindsided again. I`m happy to say that his is still porn and looking. He claims that he never did anything with anyone and I tend to believe that. He is definitely not a man with a good game. It was that types of porn he was watching. I asked for EVERYTHING very detailed about what I wanted and he chose to leave things out. After all of these wasted years, I just want the absolute truth about everything and feel I have the right to know it. He made too many decisions for my life for too long.
He also told me this morning that I am obsessed with this issue and I need to relax. at the sometime I should be in a much better place than I am right now! How the hell would he know? He has done very little to find out how I need to heal.
Just when things start to look up, it`s another kick in the gut.

 

[Sammyjo]

I wish I could say it has continued. We are at a couple of very bad days now. I foldout that his disclosure letter wasn't a full disclosure so I got blindsided again. I`m happy to say that his is still porn and looking. He claims that he never did anything with anyone and I tend to believe that. He is definitely not a man with a good game. It was that types of porn he was watching. I asked for EVERYTHING very detailed about what I wanted and he chose to leave things out. After all of these wasted years, I just want the absolute truth about everything and feel I have the right to know it. He made too many decisions for my life for too long.
He also told me this morning that I am obsessed with this issue and I need to relax. at the sometime I should be in a much better place than I am right now! How the hell would he know? He has done very little to find out how I need to heal.
Just when things start to look up, it`s another kick in the gut.

Ouch! and Double ouch!

The full disclosure not being full would be very bad for me...I'm not sure I could handle being blindsided again. I gave him several chances for full disclosure during the first month after I found out. I was very clear that if he had more to tell me "now is the time because if I find it on my own later I'll leave". If he came to me now and told me more stuff I think I could handle it, but if I found out on my own it would kill me and our marriage.

Then to tell you to relax???!!! That you should be in a better place??? Bet that set you back a few weeks! That's like the first rule of regaining trust - you can't rush your partner.

My husband hasn't said that to me directly, but when I have more questions or anxiety about it, the look on his face says "hear we go again" and his attitude changes to impatient, then he is cold towards me for a few days. It makes me feel as though he hasn't really stopped looking and just wants me "off his back". The reality is, that is quite possible, and I won't know until I catch him or I don't.

As for your situation, I think it is a very good sign that he is going to counseling - my husband just plain won't...also not a good sign for him.

I will once again recommend the book Gracie mentioned - "Love You Hate the Porn" (we read it together). It's the sole reason my husband won't tell me where I should be at with my healing. Unfortunately I think that's about all he got from it.

I hope you get back on track quickly. And if you're up for it, keep me posted.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Ouch! and Double ouch!

The full disclosure not being full would be very bad for me...I'm not sure I could handle being blindsided again. I gave him several chances for full disclosure during the first month after I found out. I was very clear that if he had more to tell me "now is the time because if I find it on my own later I'll leave". If he came to me now and told me more stuff I think I could handle it, but if I found out on my own it would kill me and our marriage.

Then to tell you to relax???!!! That you should be in a better place??? Bet that set you back a few weeks! That's like the first rule of regaining trust - you can't rush your partner.

My husband hasn't said that to me directly, but when I have more questions or anxiety about it, the look on his face says "hear we go again" and his attitude changes to impatient, then he is cold towards me for a few days. It makes me feel as though he hasn't really stopped looking and just wants me "off his back". The reality is, that is quite possible, and I won't know until I catch him or I don't.

As for your situation, I think it is a very good sign that he is going to counseling - my husband just plain won't...also not a good sign for him.

I will once again recommend the book Gracie mentioned - "Love You Hate the Porn" (we read it together). It's the sole reason my husband won't tell me where I should be at with my healing. Unfortunately I think that's about all he got from it.

I hope you get back on track quickly. And if you're up for it, keep me posted.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Well, I got the names of his "favorites" on his porn sites. I called someone over and I looked them up. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it so I had her look first. She has known me for 13 years, so she is a decent judge for me. I looked at bios, not their pig pages. The bios did have nude pictures, but not nasty ones. I am a woman that like all of the information. I know it isn't good for everyone, but it's a must for me. Sometimes I wish I could just be ignorant or not need as much as I do, but it is who I am. It just helps me better understand and process. I saw that 2 of them were born the same years as my kids and one the same year as his niece. I made sure I drove that home to him when we talked about it. The really funny thing is that they were a third my age, but my body truly looks better than theirs! He said athletic, I saw no muscles and that baby fat you keep until your probably around 24-25. The best part about seeing them is that it gave me confidence in my body!! I told him that I have a womans body, not a childs body and again, if it isn't good enough for you, get out. I literally have a 6 pack and nicely muscular arms. I'm 51! I keep looking in the mirror and just realizing that I wasn't the ugly, fat (even though I was only 140 at 5'9") yep he said that! during his active addiction, old or unattractive woman that he made me feel like I was. He only compliments me now and admits how dumb he was then, but the hurt is obviously still there.
I'm done caring about hurting his feelings or pretending about anything. He is getting the unadulterated truth for me about everything and if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to leave and I told him that. I told him that I am reclaiming my life. He has stolen 25 years of it, no more, not one more day. The rest is mine. He can come along as a husband in every sense of the word or he can get out.
I also made it clear that he will be taking a polygraph and if he fails, he's out. I told him, if he has anymore secrets, he better say them now. He said he doesn't, we will see. I'm preparing myself for the first time to be alone in 25 years just incase. I told him that I will recover at my own pace and in my own way. Basically, I took charge of everything that has to do with me and my life and told him that if he didn't like it, he can leave! It felt SO GOOD!
I appreciate that he is trying, working at getting better and accepting that he has a problem. I`ve read in so many places the heartache from women whose husbands won't even admit it. But I`m not paying for his problem anymore. I'll help him by encouraging him, supporting him and letting him know that I love him, but I will never worry about him loving me or not ever again. He will either show me love or he can leave. I demand nothing less.
One good thing for me is that he isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, he always ends up telling on himself.
Sorry, I just saw how crazy long that was!