SoberRich
Member
Last post I promise, but this is another odd quirk I've noticed over the past 15 years, and two relationships, while I've dealt with porn addiction. I was often very selfish about sex. Secretly I wanted it all the time, but I wasn't good at nonverbally initiating it (which is what I think women want) and would often brush my significant other off when she tried to initiate it. I wonder if this had something to do with porn addiction and how it gives us entire control over everything. Do we try to then transfer that control and take control of our significant other?
This sort of makes sense and explains a lot of the behaviors I have seen the partners talk about, etc. How we rather ironically don't SEEM to want to have sex, and reject it, but then demand it later. In other words we actually create a situation where we get LESS sex, even though we want MORE of it. Does porn teach us that sex is ours?
I don't recall ever having thought or acted this way before porn, although that isn't saying much because I started watching it at about 15 or 16, long before I started seriously dating. I can definitely identify a time when I wanted women to find me attractive and to have sex with me, which I think most of us would agree is what would be normal or healthy.
So how/why does this get turned inside out when we actually get into relationships and start a porn addiction? Why does our partner wanting us physically become a bad thing? And why do we create situations which lead us to having less sex?
Just bizarre.
-----------------------------------
There is also the bad at initiating sex part. One would think that the more you practice something the better you get at it. And obviously living with your significant other, there would be a lot of opportunities to practice initiating sex. I can't help thinking that this is a control device we use to manipulate significant others. We come to see sex as our property and take ownership of it. This turns everything else upside down. Suddenly our significant other wanting us becomes a threat, because her desire gives her agency and control and our porn intoxicated mind can't deal with that. We want sex on our terms. Our way or the highway. We want absolute adoration from our significant other, but we also want her to let us decide when and how to have sex. In other words we want control. A healthy person wants to be wanted and the significant other wants to want us. Our bizarre behavior must leave her confused and angry over being rejected for doing the normal and right thing and leave her resenting the sex life completely.
This leads me wondering if in recovery the significant other should have more control of sex than the PA. I don't know.
This sort of makes sense and explains a lot of the behaviors I have seen the partners talk about, etc. How we rather ironically don't SEEM to want to have sex, and reject it, but then demand it later. In other words we actually create a situation where we get LESS sex, even though we want MORE of it. Does porn teach us that sex is ours?
I don't recall ever having thought or acted this way before porn, although that isn't saying much because I started watching it at about 15 or 16, long before I started seriously dating. I can definitely identify a time when I wanted women to find me attractive and to have sex with me, which I think most of us would agree is what would be normal or healthy.
So how/why does this get turned inside out when we actually get into relationships and start a porn addiction? Why does our partner wanting us physically become a bad thing? And why do we create situations which lead us to having less sex?
Just bizarre.
-----------------------------------
There is also the bad at initiating sex part. One would think that the more you practice something the better you get at it. And obviously living with your significant other, there would be a lot of opportunities to practice initiating sex. I can't help thinking that this is a control device we use to manipulate significant others. We come to see sex as our property and take ownership of it. This turns everything else upside down. Suddenly our significant other wanting us becomes a threat, because her desire gives her agency and control and our porn intoxicated mind can't deal with that. We want sex on our terms. Our way or the highway. We want absolute adoration from our significant other, but we also want her to let us decide when and how to have sex. In other words we want control. A healthy person wants to be wanted and the significant other wants to want us. Our bizarre behavior must leave her confused and angry over being rejected for doing the normal and right thing and leave her resenting the sex life completely.
This leads me wondering if in recovery the significant other should have more control of sex than the PA. I don't know.
Last edited: