Doesn't matter how many times you fall, as long as you get back up.

[justaguy]

Well I'm finally  getting around to starting my journal a week after I joined. Been busy or I would have done this days ago. So far it's going well. No PMO for the past week, my next goal will be 2 weeks no PMO. It hasn't been easy, but this site has helped tremendously. I'll  add more later, need some sleep now.

 

[justaguy]

Alright, got 5 minutes before I need to get some sleep... When I was a young teenager I was exposed to hardcore porn. It's been an off and on struggle for the past 15 years. Sadly my dad past away about the same time, I didn't have anyone I could talk to about it. I also didn't see it as a problem even though I knew it wasn't right or normal. My main reasons for quitting is 1. Self-respect, this is a big one, I want to be happy and not hate myself 2.  My girlfriend, she is the best thing that has happened to me, she has helped me come back from being an angry person and I've become a "good guy" because of her love.

At the darkest times of my struggle I seriously considered suicide, just so I didn't have to deal with the vicious cycle of pmo, guilt and regret, trying to quit and then relapse. I chose not to because I knew I would hurt other people by doing that. So far I've made it over a week with no pmo, right now I'm fighting a strong urge to give in. "Just once is ok" or similar thoughts are sneaking in. Don't care of if I have to skip sleep all night long. I won't give in tonight. I'll  worry about tomorrow when it comes, but for now I'm not going to give.

The past week has been great. I don't have to worry if I remembered to cover my tracks on my phone and laptop after a relapse. I don't have to worry about certain words popping in my suggested words on my phone. To sum up how I feel in one word, I'd use "clean".

My next goal will be 2 weeks no pmo. For my girlfriend, family, friends and myself, I will beat this.

 

[justaguy]

I always thought it was the triggers that caused me to give in, but the past few days I've had urges to pmo even though there weren't any triggers around. Don't really know what that means, but I'm guessing that is a good indication that I really am addicted. 9 days pmo free!

 

[justaguy]

So to fully explain my story I have to go back to when I was 12 (wow, really that long?). I didn't start a habit pmo then, but thats when my life took a hard left turn. My sister started running away (being a stupid teenager who thought she was in love). My parents had to concentrate on her, they didn't have much time or energy after that. She was a handful. Year and a half later my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, it had spread to his liver before it was caught. Again, I got neglected. I understand that they had their hands full, they were scared and trying to figure out what to do. I had watch my dad change from a physically and mentally strong man, to someone who was in constant pain, couldn't even lift himself out of a chair. In the end it got bad. I wasn't at the house when he past away, I had left about 15 minutes before that. By then he was mostly unresponsive and slept a lot. Because I was leaving I sat down and said goodbye to him, so I'm grateful I got to say goodbye. He lived 10 months from the time he was diagnosed. I'll continue my story later, need a break lol.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Incredibly difficult stuff man. I'm choking up just reading it. I'm sorry you had to go through that, that is the sort of pain that will always stick with us. You have to grow up quickly after a blow like that. There are so many people in pain out there and no one telling them how to cope in a healthy way. Life has a tendency of beating us down and keeping us down. The good news is you have the map in front of you, you  just gotta follow the path. A relapse is just means you have to backtrack a bit and find your way again. AS you can see, I've made my fair share of mistakes too.

My story is a little different I suppose, but it parallels yours in some ways. My mother is the daughter of a lifetime alcoholic and a compulsive eater and my father came from a a broken home with a philandering father who left when he was a toddler. They didn't start attending therapy until their 50's because shrinks are seen as useless in the midwest. I'm sure I have adopted numerous behaviors from them. I was the only one in the house when the were experiencing the roughest patch of their marriage. I was acting as a mediator at the age of 13 for two adults in their 40's. Codependency and addictive personalities were all around me growing up.

I'm right there with you, we're gonna figure this out together. I have to thank you for helping me uncover a part of my story I neglected to mention until now. It kinda helps another one of those pieces fall into place.

 

[justaguy]

Sorry about the novel I'm writing, but I feel that I need to go back and mention all this stuff to truly explain my situation. After my sister started running away my parents asked of i wanted to homeschool, I thought it might be fun so I said yes. My dad was dying when he should have been teaching me how to work on a car, taken me fishing, telling me the rules of football during the game on Sunday, and teaching me about the birds and the bees. I learned all about sex from a very lousy sex ed class, my friends and porn. After my dad past away my mom cried on my shoulder instead of finding an adult to talk to. I was 15 and she was relying on me. I'm still angry about that. She needed help and support, but she should have got it from someone who was therapist, not a kid who just lost his dad. About that time was the first time I contemplated suicide, almost did, had the noose around my neck. I decided not to because of the pain it would cause my family. I'm sure my mom would have gone off the deep end if I had. I held what little emotions I felt inside of me, but mostly I felt numb. About this time I was introduced to porn, it was hardcore. I would be home alone all day with a dial-up connection doing "home work". Later on me and a couple of friends would shoplift videos and magazines. Also got involved with drugs before I was 18. For a long time I didn't understand the difference between hardcore porn and natural sex. I thought what I saw in the magazines  and videos was normal. Because of the things that happened in my life I became very distant from people, and I would use pmo to cope with my problems instead of fixing them, just like a junkie getting another fix. I was always there for other people, mostly my sister and my mom. I kept taking everyone's emotional baggage, meanwhile keeping all my problems secret and self medicating. When I was in my early twenties I was engaged to a girl, we did cybersex which didn't help me. The relationship fell apart partly to my pmo habit, found out online she had already started seeing another guy before she broke it off with me. I have used alcohol and pmo to cope with my problems for most of my life. It has affected my view of women and my relationships  (what few I had).  I have tried countless times to stop. At first I was in denial that I was addicted, it was a shock to me when I realized I was. I was doing better this spring only a couple of times a month. Then I got a promotion and the stress, lack of sleep and more stress, A LOT OF STRESS. It got to the point of every other day I was PMO'ing to cope with it. Thankfully I transfered to a different  department. Things at my job are much better now. I want to be free of pmo, sometimes I like to picture it as a person or animal and I'm brutally killing it, sorry I know that sounds wrong and messed up but I hate what it has done to me. I'm done letting it run my life. A little more to come...

 

[justaguy]

I'm sorry, I could only imagine how that would have been. Kids should not have to solve adult problems. I did lose my dad at a young age but I am grateful that while I had him around he was a good dad. I had few friends die suddenly, and another one almost die (he punched a glass window because his gf broke up with him, lost his arm at the elbow.) 2 of my friends were both older, they both died suddenly. The first one, she was always encouraging me and helping me to cope after my dad died, she died one night in her sleep about 3 years after my dad died. The second one had lead a very rough life, jail, substance abuse, beating his wife and so on, he changed though. He was a good example of the fact anyone can change, he past away a few years ago partly due to his rough life catching up to him. But he died a good man, who had the respect of others and the love of his wife. You can't ask for much more than that.

So onto my triggers and what not, mostly it is stress related, or I might see a woman wearing revealing or tight clothing. My imagination and curiosity would kick into overdrive and that's all I would think about til I PMO'd. I've seen most every type of P. Usually it would be late at ngiht and I couldn't get to sleep and my mind would wander, I had a stressful day work, or some family issue would be stressing me out. When I'm in a good mood I don't think about pmo very much.

My girlfriend knows I have a problem with pmo, but she comes from a reserved family so she doesn't like discussing it much. But she is supportive. She is Filipino and currently  lives there.

 

[justaguy]

Thank you for the support chiefmitch, I'll do my best to be there for you.

My latest relapse was stress related, my gf was stressing out because they had bills and they didn't have the money to pay them. She can get stubborn at times and sink into to self-pity even though I'm always telling her that I will help her. Typical man logic vs. woman emotion I guess, but it really wears on me sometimes.

 

[chiefmitch88]

I contemplated suicide several times myself, still do on my bad days. I started having those thoughts while my parents were going through that rough patch. I wish they had the decency to keep me out of the quarrels. I've held a loaded gun to my head a couple of times only to stop for the same reasons you mentioned. I did not want all of my family to be left so hopeless and confused. Also, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

About you visualizing the killing of your addiction. It might be a good outlet for all of your anger but I doubt that it will ever stop being a part of us. I try to envision the silencing of the addict inside. The more I start focusing on the voice that is my intelligence the quieter the addict gets. Over time I hope that he is just a faint whisper that I will be able to easily ignore.

Sounds like your relationship has a lot of facets to it. It must be hard having your gf on the other side of the world. Just remember that it is not your responsibility to ease her anxiety. Remember how you take on other people's baggage in an attempt to be a gentleman and shoulder the burden. This is a hard thing to do while you are healing. We can barely support ourselves much less our significant others. When others depend on us to ease their pain there will always be failure on our parts. Make sure you communicate to her the things that you need from her while you are figuring this addiction out. If she is genuine she will understand.

 

[justaguy]

Yep, suicide doesn't solve anything. Now that I'm fully addressing my problem those thoughts will probably  not come up. It's weird, that little voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm not really addicted. I might not be as addicted as some people, but I'm not going to fool myself and allow myself to become complacent. Did some shopping today, did my best not to eye every woman I saw. Did pretty good, this is something I've have a hard time with. I try to look at a woman and not see her body, but instead the type of person she is. Woman are much, much more than objects.

It can be really difficult at times with our relationship. We obviously both want to get physical, but we cant. We plan on waiting til after we are married actually (we are both christian). She has sent me pictures and videos of her wearing revealing clothing. It's technically not nudity, but it is sexual and it is a picture or video. So really what is the difference between that and porn? I know not everyone may agree with me on that. For right now, until we are able to act on those feelings those pictures and videos are hindering me. I've already deleted them and I will ask her not to send anymore. I will still take all the pictures of her fully clothed I can get though lol. We have good communication, it's only when she starts freaking out and panicking that it gets stressful.

Made it 24 hours without one urge to PMO, feels good man.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Hope you're having a peaceful Sunday Just. Hang in there.

 

[kaybee]

Justaguy! I connect with your story very much. I have also considered suicide as the only way out of this addiction and the problems it brings. I'm also a christian, waiting for marriage,  in a long distance relationship struggling with the similarities between cybersexiness and pornography. It's rough! As if long distance wasn't hard enough already.  But I can promise you it does get easier the longer you stick with it. I remember the start of the reboot process (I had to do it a couple times) and how it feels like you will never get those images out of your mind, and never stop wanting it. Well I'm about 100 days in, and haven't had a memorized image come up without trying in around 30 days. That makes the process a lot easier. It will get easier for you too. My advice is to focus on managing the stress in your life if healthy ways. Pray, learn a new skill, start a hobby, see a counselor, exercise more, whatever works for you. You can beat this!

 

[justaguy]

Yup, had a great Sunday. Had to ignore the urge later at night, but it wasn't to bad. I was really tired anyways so that helped.

Long distance relationships are hard, we are at the point to where we are plannin our wedding, we are just waiting for the money. I'm having a hard time saving for it because other bills and expenses that keep popping up. I'm going to suggest we cut out most or all of suggestive talking and her wearing skimpy clothing. I'm fine with a little flirting though.

I had done a reboot by myself without either website earlier this spring and I managed to get to where I was only giving once or twice every 2 to 4 weeks, but over time it got worse and worse (my crappy  job was a major part of it). The breaking point came when I realized I had PMOd an average of every other day for the past 10 days. So far I haven't had to many images pop into my head just once when I last relapsed. I'm in kinda of a great position right now. I'm learning a new job, I'm operating a few machines that are on the big side. It's just me, with my old position I was in charge of 10-12 people and my lazy supervisor expected me to change all the people (get them to come in on time, work hard and have a good attitude) instead of firing the people who didn't want to pull their own weight. It was really stressful, my lazy supervisor never once fired anyone, wrote anyone up, or even talked to them, and it was always my fault that person had acted out or screwed up on their paperwork. I would get so stressed my neck would clinch up and be as hard as rock. It started to do that now just talking about that situation lol. Breath in. Breathe out. Alright on to the good part. I got the same pay as before, it is just myself I have to worry about (as we get more machines that will change though), I have a great supervisor who will back me up and not put up with people who don't want to do their jobs. If things are running smoothly I have a lot of spare time, so I plan on doing P90x in my spare time lol. I'll download it to my tablet and my boss is fine with it as long as I keep machines running.

Thanks again for the encouragement, i believe both parties feed off of encouragement. On a side note I've seen some people, not naming a specific person, set a large goal 90 day or 180 days without pmo. Nothing wrong with that, but I think I am going to set small attainable goals, especially after a relapse. I think it will help me keep the feeling of accomplishment fresh in my mind. Those people may have already gone through the small goals and I'm not judging.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Haven't seen much activity from you Justaguy. Just checking to see how you're doing. Don't forget to keep us posted! We're rooting for you and that is kinda hard to do when you aren't giving us the play-by-play

 

[justaguy]

Sorry for disappearing, had a lot on my mind. Started my new schedule at work, 5pm-5am.  The worst part is adjusting, after that it feels normal for me. Always been a night owl. Relapsed twice, both of which was tied to lack of sleep. I went 30 hours before i got sleep one day last week, understandably my brain doesnt work at peak performance when i go that long without sleep. Buying a new-to-me car, ford mustang cobra. Hoping that will help keep my mind on positive things.

 

[TheGuy]

Hi Justaguy,
Ford Mustang Cobra - awesome car man.  I've had a similar problem relapsing when I am very tired and stressed.  I don't have a solution but the more I become aware of why I relapse the better I can handle not relapsing even when tired.  Good luck.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Welcome back Justaguy. Remember the name of your journal when you are feeling down. Get back up my friend.

 

[justaguy]

Yeah, I don't really know of any magic pill when it comes to dealing with urges when I'm sleep deprived. I think the best solution is to be proactive. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, but I'll come back to that in a second.

Yeah, time to dust myself off and get back up. No time for self-pity, life is too precious and short to dwell in it.

Really liking the car. It's the ninties body style, not my favorite look but it has enough power for me to look past that lol. It is 16 years old but it looks like 2 years old. It was garaged and very, very well maintained by the previous owner.

As some of you know women in tight or revealing clothing is one of my triggers. If I'm not careful my imagination goes places it shouldn't. I recently read an article online about what a man would to want to say to his son once he had a son. It went on to talk about respecting women and their bodies. Basically what I got from it is this: It is not my right to eyeball a woman, her body is hers. It is not mine to mentally undress. She chooses who she gives her body and love to. I may have the ability to eyeball her body, but it is not my right and it does not respect her as a human being. This isn't something totally new to me, but I appreciate it more now. I went out to eat last night and one of the waitresses was very cute, I wasn't completely successful with not checking out her body but I only caught myself doing it once or twice.

I've been doing some thinking about that little voice in my head, you know the one that always screams at you before and during a relapse and then condemns you after the relapse. It can be a real pain in the butt. I want to harness it and use it as a tool to help me. The thing about that voice is that is always REACTIVE, therefore it doesn't help me because usually by then I've gone past the point of no return. In order for it to actually help me it has to be PROACTIVE, I need to plan ahead and police my thoughts before I have to police my actions.
Pro?ac?tive
(of a person, policy, or action) creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than responding to it after it has happened.
I'm sure somebody else has already figured this out and I kinda already knew this, but I'm going to work at changing how my inner voice works.

On a side note, I came across a couple of songs by Macklemore. Otherside and Starting Over, they talk about his struggle with drug addiction and his relapse. I'm not usually a fan of hip hop or rap, but those songs are worth a listen. They are food for thought.

 

[justaguy]

Well I relapsed again, I'm mad at myself. I should have tried harder. I'm going to take this journal more serious, I'll  do my best to post everyday to help keep my goal fresh in mind. I want to finish out the year PMO free. I have to figure out a way to deal with the urges when it's late at night and I'm exhausted (mostly mentally exhausted). Thinking ahead of time and taking a proactive approach is helping, but when it is late at night I'm not clear headed enough to catch myself in time. This is frustrating.
1059 hours to go.

 

[justaguy]

Hmm, I think I'm starting to understand my problem. Watched the yourbrainonporn videos. So you have the cycle of bingeing, numbed pleasure response, cravings, and even more bingeing. Which weakens my decision making, rational circuits and reinforces my impulsive, go get circuits. Now combine that with my sleep deprived brain that will suffer reduced decision-making ability (plus many other bad side effects) and it's no wonder I keep on caving in. I'm rational side is already asleep, but my impulsive side is wide awake. I don't have a solution yet, but I understand it a little bit more.
1076 hours to go (added wrong last time  : )