From Rock Bottom

The DiceMan

New Member
Let me introduce myself. I am not new to rebooting but it has been a long time.

I am a 42 year old, straight male with a 4 year old daughter. I have been aware of the dangers of porn for many years, but fooled myself into thinking it has been under control. It isn't and never has been. I have started a new job which has meant working from home more and has escalated the problem. I was in my 20's before I discovered internet porn and had never even masturbated until I was 18. I am no recluse and play or have played sports at a high level but I am a huge underachiever in most things.

Growing up I have never been attracted to men but over the years I have started to think I may be bisexual, although I have only ever been interested in the male appendage. I know that this is not entirely uncommon. I have also watched a lot of trans porn. I'm not convinced this would have happened without porn. I have recently been talking online about being sent used things and had a girl send a used condom that she filmed her very well endowed partner filling. I have recently also started watching humiliation porn. I think subconsciously it is doing me harm. Feels mad typing this. I know that this is a step too far and it is eating me up with guilt. I want to be free of porn, of using every spare minute watching it, of feeling ashamed, not being able to look people in the eye, having no energy and constantly underachieving. I have everything a man could want, a beautiful family, home and job but I feel empty.

I am considering going to a sexual addiction meeting as I can't do this on willpower alone, this much I know. I really don't know how i'm going to do it but i need to before I lose everything.

Yours

The Dice Man
 

GrateClips

Active Member
welcome. if you are serious about change then this is a good place to start but by itself may not be enough by itself.

I would recommend a sex addiction meeting as well.

if you need extra motivation know that sexually addictive behavior can be passed on to the next generation based on what they observe their parents do or what their parents do/treat the child. a child unwittingly watching their parent masturbating can be very damaging and cause untold effects over the years. you are actually at a great point in time to stop. sorry if that came off very blunt.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome DiceMan. This forum has a lot of good information and good people. If you haven't already, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover. That will tell you most of what you need to know about the full scope of a porn addiction and what you will need to do to beat it.

It's pretty common that porn addicts indulge in content that is strange and extreme - that's the nature of the addiction. Once you complete a 90-day reboot, those ideas and urges to look at extreme stuff should start to fade.
 

The DiceMan

New Member
So it has been a few weeks since I posted. Some positives, some negatives. I know from past attempts, when I once reached over 90 days, that just counting days isn't going to be enough. I have had spells of Nofap and also binges, one of which was this morning.

A week ago I discovered some hypnosis by Noah Church that was for porn addiction. After watching it I felt extremely positive and manged several days without thinking about porn. I felt a sense of freedom. Watching him tell his story brought me to tears. I then read one of the comments on youtube about a kid that had started at 6 and lost his entire youth to porn. Man that made me so sad, but a week later I'm back where I was. A demon in my subconscious seems to run the show. I think I need to listen to the hypnosis every day.

I have also been thinking about why I have this addiction. I was a happy kid until secondary school. My father had a terrible temper and would shout if anyone spoke at home, which led to terrible shyness and fear of confrontation which i've had my entire life. I was never given any positive reinforcement, despite representing my region at several sports. I really believe that with the right support I could have been a professional athlete, but that ship sailed a long time ago.

There is obviously something deep inside that draws me to pornography, as it's clearly a coping mechanism. The submissive aspect that porn brings out in me is also worrying. I wonder if speaking to a therapist might help me. I have seen one before but never really reveal anything to them as I'm too embarrassed. I couldn't ever imagine telling another sole about this bar maybe my brother, whom I've grown apart from over the last few years.

I know this is meant to be a Nofap journal but I wanted to get my thoughts out. For now, I will focus on the hypnosis and reinforcement of the message to my subconscious that porn is bad.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
You might have already seen Noah's video about the emotional roots of a porn addiction. Like you, depression and poor mental health led me to a porn addiction. Stress and anxiety always sent me in one direction: the seductive and self-defeating world of PMO.

You should certainly consider talking to a therapist - it will be helpful. Be sure to research and find someone who has experience in porn addiction or sexual issues. I worked with a psychologist who had a porn addiction himself! He certainly knew what I was going through and helped me uncover the emotional and psychological issues that got me addicted.
 

The DiceMan

New Member
It’s been a while. Thought I could give up with willpower. No chance.

Learned a lot about dopamine and how it basically defines your success in life. Worked for a while but not long.

Feel low, on the verge of breaking down every day in tears. I can’t control my urge to look at things. Affecting my job, family and heath.

I hate porn. I just can’t shake it. I wish I knew how.

Can anyone tell me if there’s a porn blocker for IOS that actually works?
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Sorry to hear this, DiceMan. Beating a porn addiction isn't easy, that's for sure. When you relapse, ask yourself - what's happening? What was the trigger? Why do you feel like you need to give in? Stress? Try to figure out how you can avoid or overcome the triggers and the circumstances that lead you back to porn.
 
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