podvig
Member
Hi,
I'm a twenty eight year old male, living in the Midlands, UK. I first started watching porn around age 11/12. I never considered myself much of an "addict" until around 2019/20, when my dependency started to grow and social isolation/loneliness started to increase. However, when I look back on my youth and formative years, I realise that I was just as addicted as everyone else, and that I am very much a part of this unfortunate generation of "guinea pigs", taking part in the "great porn experiment" of these past few decades.
I would say my willpower generally is pretty good. I have managed to abstain from pornography and alcohol and other bad habits or indulgences without much external support in the past, but they eventually break down the barriers so I need to employ some new methods. I've recently found myself in a closer relationship with God, and using prayer has been of tremendous benefit, and something I have been foolish to neglect or dismiss in my weaker moments. I must be more vigilant in this regard. Also I've been going to Church almost every Sunday for a few months now, and I've discovered that whenever I don't make it to Liturgy that my heart and mind quickly starts to descend into degeneracy and decadence.
I already know what I need to do, but I'm struggling with the execution. I'm not sure how long I need to keep a journal, or how consistently it needs updating. Just by having this thread I think it will be a great boon to my recovery. There's still a lot I need to read up on, especially the 'Your Brain on Porn' resources which I started looking through today.
Also, I would like to explain what finally inspired me to start a journal, the catalyst moment, and why I am recording my struggles against pornography.
I recently became addicted to an online brothel (there's no better way to describe it...) with the domain name Stripchat, which some here may be familiar with. There are many variations of it but, as I mentioned, it is essentially a digital marketplace of camgirls and prostitutes, who sit behind the webcam and perform sex acts for paying participants. It ranges from innocent to very kinky/freakish, and caters to all types. It is free to join (go figure...) but to get more interaction, one needs an account with paid tokens, where you can buzz the bluetooth-activated toy and have this faux-sexual experience, stimulating the model through your tokens, with instant effect, as well as making requests for certain acts on the screen. You can go private too and have them all to yourself. It is set up with a social media vibe, so you can like the models, message them, build a reputation, and much more. It sounds like I am trying to sell it, but this is cathartic for me. I can now look back on what I have written and begin to realise the horror of my involvement with this platform, and just how much I have been obsessed with it.
Porn addiction affects people in vastly different ways. I am surprised that it has been mainly this live element of online webcam girls that has really sunk me into a deeper pit of despair, rather than the more typical way of consuming copious amounts of online porn videos. I've never been one for porn movies, or long-form content, yet this Stripchat platform would have me scrolling for hours and hours at times, jumping from model to model, trying to figure out which one I can focus all my attention on. I have found my most pernicious vice it seems. Porn in the past would be an intermittent nuisance at most, but now I can see where my real struggle lies, with this online brothel environment. Over this past weekend, I strongly considered actually meeting a real life prostitute or call-girl, and getting an erotic massage or just going to their apartment for an in-call. I was very close, but opted for Stripchat instead, saving me a physical journey but no less damaging impact on my soul. This temptation still lurks within me, and I haven't yet rooted out this desire. I must do so if I want to stand a fighting chance against this addiction.
I've spent the past few months trying to implement a prayer rule, recently coming closer to God and Christ, so I know that the devil and his agents are working non-stop to pull me away from His grace, and bury me in the filth of sin to keep me detached from Him. This s most definitely the "Spiritual Warfare". This is why I have chosen the title "A Righteous Struggle", because this is certainly not an easy path to take, as the easy path would be masturbating all day and watching pornography without limits and having sex with hookers and wasting away. This is the way of the world, in which the devil is king. However, the narrow path, the road less travelled, which leads to virtue and the world to come, where Christ sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven; this is the podvig or spiritual struggle, and this is what I am seeking. Also I'd encourage anyone to read up on the definition and usage of this word 'povig', within the Orthodox Church, as it frames my situation well: http://orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/theveil_podvig.aspx
I already sense that this is going to be a tremendously difficult task, due to how much I have become obsessed with this online brothel environment recently. I am hoping that little by little, I can begin to put away the 'old man' of porn addiction, beta-male/simp-like behaviour, and become the 'new man' of faith and purity, by regaining my masculinity, virility, realigning with my objectives, coming closer to Christ, increasing my network, excelling in my day-to-day work, improving my career prospects, getting fitter, healthier, stronger, more determined, consistent, attaining peace of soul, purity of heart and sharpness of mind, and to begin every day with a sense of gratitude and thanksgiving, as the Lord grants me another day to struggle and have another chance at redemption, repentance and remission of sins. I am forever in His debt as an unworthy sinner, and I am simply amazed at His patience and lovingkindness, that he would allow me to fall so destructively and wrecklessly, again and again, constantly in betrayal, but like any loving Father he awaits my return, always ready to embrace me with love, forgive my sins and cleanse my soul. (NB - Today is Father's Day in the UK, and not having the presence of my father growing up has contributed to much of my dissatisfaction in life and tendency to fall into despair and addiction, although this situation is more common than it is unique these days, but now I have found my Heavenly Father, who guides me on this lonely path and leads me to a greater place - I still need more earthly father figures though, this is something I am looking to improve)
Thank you for reading about my podvig, or spiritual struggle. I hope that I can achieve my goals with the help of this forum and the accountability it provides. I will try to post regularly, although it will likely not be every single day, maybe every other day or 3/4 times a week, even if it is a short update with things I have discovered. I've found that interacting on forums has a great educational benefit, and even without having anyone read/comment on your thread, just the act of writing it down and relaying to others is a kind of tutoring, which helps one understand the issue better.
Let's hope this is the beginning of a long, fruitful recovery, where I can regain my manhood, self-control, integrity and spiritual foundation.
I will close with a quote about persistence and perseverance which I will attempt to remind myself of each and every day of this struggle:
I'm a twenty eight year old male, living in the Midlands, UK. I first started watching porn around age 11/12. I never considered myself much of an "addict" until around 2019/20, when my dependency started to grow and social isolation/loneliness started to increase. However, when I look back on my youth and formative years, I realise that I was just as addicted as everyone else, and that I am very much a part of this unfortunate generation of "guinea pigs", taking part in the "great porn experiment" of these past few decades.
I would say my willpower generally is pretty good. I have managed to abstain from pornography and alcohol and other bad habits or indulgences without much external support in the past, but they eventually break down the barriers so I need to employ some new methods. I've recently found myself in a closer relationship with God, and using prayer has been of tremendous benefit, and something I have been foolish to neglect or dismiss in my weaker moments. I must be more vigilant in this regard. Also I've been going to Church almost every Sunday for a few months now, and I've discovered that whenever I don't make it to Liturgy that my heart and mind quickly starts to descend into degeneracy and decadence.
I already know what I need to do, but I'm struggling with the execution. I'm not sure how long I need to keep a journal, or how consistently it needs updating. Just by having this thread I think it will be a great boon to my recovery. There's still a lot I need to read up on, especially the 'Your Brain on Porn' resources which I started looking through today.
Also, I would like to explain what finally inspired me to start a journal, the catalyst moment, and why I am recording my struggles against pornography.
I recently became addicted to an online brothel (there's no better way to describe it...) with the domain name Stripchat, which some here may be familiar with. There are many variations of it but, as I mentioned, it is essentially a digital marketplace of camgirls and prostitutes, who sit behind the webcam and perform sex acts for paying participants. It ranges from innocent to very kinky/freakish, and caters to all types. It is free to join (go figure...) but to get more interaction, one needs an account with paid tokens, where you can buzz the bluetooth-activated toy and have this faux-sexual experience, stimulating the model through your tokens, with instant effect, as well as making requests for certain acts on the screen. You can go private too and have them all to yourself. It is set up with a social media vibe, so you can like the models, message them, build a reputation, and much more. It sounds like I am trying to sell it, but this is cathartic for me. I can now look back on what I have written and begin to realise the horror of my involvement with this platform, and just how much I have been obsessed with it.
Porn addiction affects people in vastly different ways. I am surprised that it has been mainly this live element of online webcam girls that has really sunk me into a deeper pit of despair, rather than the more typical way of consuming copious amounts of online porn videos. I've never been one for porn movies, or long-form content, yet this Stripchat platform would have me scrolling for hours and hours at times, jumping from model to model, trying to figure out which one I can focus all my attention on. I have found my most pernicious vice it seems. Porn in the past would be an intermittent nuisance at most, but now I can see where my real struggle lies, with this online brothel environment. Over this past weekend, I strongly considered actually meeting a real life prostitute or call-girl, and getting an erotic massage or just going to their apartment for an in-call. I was very close, but opted for Stripchat instead, saving me a physical journey but no less damaging impact on my soul. This temptation still lurks within me, and I haven't yet rooted out this desire. I must do so if I want to stand a fighting chance against this addiction.
I've spent the past few months trying to implement a prayer rule, recently coming closer to God and Christ, so I know that the devil and his agents are working non-stop to pull me away from His grace, and bury me in the filth of sin to keep me detached from Him. This s most definitely the "Spiritual Warfare". This is why I have chosen the title "A Righteous Struggle", because this is certainly not an easy path to take, as the easy path would be masturbating all day and watching pornography without limits and having sex with hookers and wasting away. This is the way of the world, in which the devil is king. However, the narrow path, the road less travelled, which leads to virtue and the world to come, where Christ sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven; this is the podvig or spiritual struggle, and this is what I am seeking. Also I'd encourage anyone to read up on the definition and usage of this word 'povig', within the Orthodox Church, as it frames my situation well: http://orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/theveil_podvig.aspx
I already sense that this is going to be a tremendously difficult task, due to how much I have become obsessed with this online brothel environment recently. I am hoping that little by little, I can begin to put away the 'old man' of porn addiction, beta-male/simp-like behaviour, and become the 'new man' of faith and purity, by regaining my masculinity, virility, realigning with my objectives, coming closer to Christ, increasing my network, excelling in my day-to-day work, improving my career prospects, getting fitter, healthier, stronger, more determined, consistent, attaining peace of soul, purity of heart and sharpness of mind, and to begin every day with a sense of gratitude and thanksgiving, as the Lord grants me another day to struggle and have another chance at redemption, repentance and remission of sins. I am forever in His debt as an unworthy sinner, and I am simply amazed at His patience and lovingkindness, that he would allow me to fall so destructively and wrecklessly, again and again, constantly in betrayal, but like any loving Father he awaits my return, always ready to embrace me with love, forgive my sins and cleanse my soul. (NB - Today is Father's Day in the UK, and not having the presence of my father growing up has contributed to much of my dissatisfaction in life and tendency to fall into despair and addiction, although this situation is more common than it is unique these days, but now I have found my Heavenly Father, who guides me on this lonely path and leads me to a greater place - I still need more earthly father figures though, this is something I am looking to improve)
Thank you for reading about my podvig, or spiritual struggle. I hope that I can achieve my goals with the help of this forum and the accountability it provides. I will try to post regularly, although it will likely not be every single day, maybe every other day or 3/4 times a week, even if it is a short update with things I have discovered. I've found that interacting on forums has a great educational benefit, and even without having anyone read/comment on your thread, just the act of writing it down and relaying to others is a kind of tutoring, which helps one understand the issue better.
Let's hope this is the beginning of a long, fruitful recovery, where I can regain my manhood, self-control, integrity and spiritual foundation.
I will close with a quote about persistence and perseverance which I will attempt to remind myself of each and every day of this struggle:
