Murdering Mr. Hyde

[OutOfTheHole]

I feel like I'm two people sometimes. I have the rational part of me that wants to quit porn addiction, but when I get triggered and fall down the hole I just stop caring about my goal to quit my porn addiction and I relapse. My addiction has caused me to experience delayed ejaculating when I was having sex, and I experienced withdrawals when I was trying to quit. Depression never causes me to relapse though, it's always intense cravings. Waking up in the morning is my most common trigger.
Just today when I woke up I thought to myself "Why am I trying to give up fapping? It's healthy." But one fap turned nto three. I ended up sleeping more and go through my day in a daze. Then later I ended up watching porn several times. I fapped until my dick is sore. I knew that I was acting out my addiction, but I just let porn control me. I didn't want to keep putting in the effort of fighting it and experience cravings.

This is my cycle, and I want out. I am ready for cravings and withdrawal. I put a porn blocker on my computer, and I registered on rebootnation. Hopefully I'll get some support on this, because I feel more alone than any other time in my life. My loneliness is making my recovery difficult.

 

[jjhh]

Hey and welcome.

I feel like I'm two people sometimes. I have the rational part of me that wants to quit porn addiction, but when I get triggered and fall down the hole I just stop caring about my goal to quit my porn addiction and I relapse.

This is how it goes for all addicts, so you are not alone here.
It has helped me to make a "why to quit"-list of sorts, and when I get the cravings I take a deep breath and remind myself of the reasons listed and force myself back to rationality.
I also get strong cravings after just waking up. The fact that your brain is half a sleep makes maintaining control difficult.
But I find that if I can keep my hands off until I get up and wash my face with some cold water etc, then soon enough that morning wood is gone and so are the cravings.

Good luck to you.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Thank you.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 1. Cravings are horrible. I know that porn is not helping me, and that it is actually hurting me, but I  wanted to relapse anyway this morning. I kept reminding myself why I was quitting to fight the urges.

Last night I mad a file on my computer in which I noted to myself porn's harmful effects on me, and the reasons why I was quitting.  Even having this file does not seem to kill urges. I guess I'm fighting an irrational monster here. That's what addiction is.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 0. I just fapped a few times to porn fantasy this morning. My addict brain told me that it would relieve my anxiety, and that fapping is healthy. I always fail to go without fapping. I need help. I always end up changing my mind no matter how determined to quit I was at first.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 2. I had the urge to fap as I woke up, but resisted it by keeping my hands occupied with 2 rocks. I had to get out of bed to avoid fapping. I guess that this is a good way to get up earlier. In the past, I never got morning wood, and now that I do have it I have the urge to fap every time I get it.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Another day 2 post, I feel pretty good despite being sick. Music is starting to sound better and I'm looking forward to enjoying my Saturday. 

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

I also often feel horny after I just wake up and sometimes it has led me to fail my no PMO streak.
What I do now and maybe could help you, is to never just stay on the bed. When I wake up I get up imediately, take a "coldish" shower (not totally cold, but still very cold) and go to do something, anything. On the days that I am not working, I like to go to the gym in the morning to waste that energy. Maybe that could help you too.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

It definitely does help to get out of bed right away. I had to in order to avoid the urge.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 3. I'm a little depressed and very lonely. I really wish I had a girl to spend some time with. I have a close friend of mine who's also fwb, but she says I've been too needy. I'd better not bother her. My lonely feelings are probably just withdrawal. I don't think I should act on them, or I might bother somebody.

 

[Bosconovic]

I know that in your situation could be hard. I've felt the same. But you should keep going and try to socilaize with people as more as you can. Your friend is right, you shouldn't be need y with anyone.
Try to take more care of yourself, write down your goals and try to work hard for it.

When I feeling needy I usually study harder or workout, or I go out with my dog. Try to do something physical, in order to avoid the loneliness feeling.

 

[LS90]

Yeah avoid to call the fwb. It's normal to feel that way - I felt without a clue for at least two weeks. The "is this thing even working?" kept going for 4+ weeks after that.. keep it going! We want to see some more days adding up to that "DAY X".  ;D

 

[OutOfTheHole]

It's still day 3. I just had a really strong urge to PMO as I was walking home from an evening walk. My rational mind was struggling to keep control. I had to keep reminding myself why I was quitting, and to get onto my PC and read all the reasons I wrote down earlier. This is the hardest part: when my addict brain takes control and I have to wrestle it away.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 4. I'm depressed and lonely. Nobody seems to want to hang out with me and I can't figure out why. Thinking about the fact that I will die one day is comforting to me. Life just seems fraught with suffering. I 'll admit that I've been needy and that I wanted to talk to my fwb. She has been ignoring my facebook messages. I'm feeling like a loser. We loved each other, and now she seems to be avoiding me. All of my friends are avoiding me.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 4 still. I realize that I don't know how to interact with people. Being social is a mystery to me, and until I figure it out, I'm stuck at home by myself. My depression and loneliness made me want to fap, and the name of the porn star I wanted to watch just kept popping into my head. Porn will not make me feel better. It will make things worse. I have to keep telling myself that.

 

[LS90]

If you feel at the moment a little bit out of society, may I suggest reading something on the power of introversion and introverts? It is not necessarily a bad thing. People around you may not be able to understand you, I guess.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Wow was today a difficult day, but I'm doing okay! Me and my friend are doing well, and I still haven't fapped. I actually downgraded my phone so that I couldn't access the internet, which should help a lot. My opportunities for watching internet porn are pretty much nonexistent now, or at least few and far between.

To fight the urges, I did some push-ups, sit-ups, wall-sets, etc. They killed the urges, and will help make me stronger. This is the way to go. You have to give quitting this addiction your all. You have to be aggressive in the face of adversity. No matter how shitty I feel, I will fight this addiction. I will not cave. My porn habit is afraid of me now, and it's probably shitting its pants.

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 5. My morning wood woke me up at 5AM. I wanted to fap so bad, but I didn't. I got up and did some exercise instead and the urges went away. Now I just wish I could get more sleep...

 

[d4nnyt2014]

At start morning wood does wake you up, you'll sleep through it soon, good idea on exercising when you get your brain telling you to give in.

Remember this your brain needs it more than you, it needs that addiction and wants to feel the satisfaction. Your brain knows you are going through change and will not feed it no more and it panics and forces you to give in. The more you deprive it the weaker it will be.

My tip

Start doing kegel exercises
Squeeze for 10 seconds and rest for 10, repeat this 10 times

Every time you get a craving do 100 press ups, if you can only do for e.g. 15 then do so but, make sure you complete full 100. This will distract your mind and cut off all cravings.

Hope this helps, you can do it!

 

[OutOfTheHole]

Day 0 nofap; Day 5 pornfree. I just fapped 4 times this morning. My dick was sore afterwards. At least I didn't fantasize about porn or watch it, but I need to try again. My goal is to go 7 days now instead of five.