Hi all,
I am a 44 year old man with a wife of 17 years and a son. I deeply love them. They're everything to me. I recently did something I never thought I could ever do. I hurt my wife. I betrayed her trust by viewing inappropriate content online. I didn't intend to have this happen. It was a curiosity that spiralled out of control, and, before I knew it, I was out of control with it, and, through God's grace, I was found out. What I mean by that is sometimes it takes being found out to realize what you've done and the actual damage and consequences that are attached to it. Then you can find the motivation and the courage to change. Pornography is the only addiction in the world that makes you feel like crap when you're in the middle of it. It's disappointing to yourself and those you love. Nobody is high fiving after indulging in this stuff. Nobody.
Every day, for years, I have told my wife I love her and that she is beautiful. I meant it every time. I have absolutely no conventional reason for looking at this stuff. I shouldn't have needed to. I had a hard time going back through my life and figuring this out, but it's a necessity in order to save both my marriage and, consequently, my life.
The fact that I hurt my wife is unacceptable. I can't justify my actions in any way, and I realize that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. I then set to trying to fix it. Also, I decided to look back and figure out what led me here.
I figured out what I actually used porn for. This may be weird to some people, but, due to some unfortunate situations that I found myself in during my childhood and some high level stress that happened two years ago, I had pretty serious depression and anxiety. I'm not making excuses, but a curiosity about this stuff eventually snowballed into something that I couldn't control. It was basically a crutch.
After being found out, I decided what was necessary. I went cold turkey and decided to attack the feelings that got me here. Above all, I decided to talk about my feelings and reveal things about my past that I never thought I would. It was very uncomfortable initially for me. I'm not a talk about my feelings kind of guy. I just thought I could ride it out and everything would be ok. I was wrong. It just got worse. So I opened up.
Things have improved drastically between us, and I'm very grateful for that. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and I am really grateful for her.
I'm a week in, and I have thrown the porn into the deepest part of the ocean while I fix myself. I feel like I am emerging from a fog, and I feel the makings of a new life and a new person. I'm clear and determined.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel like I'm on my way, and failure is most definitely not an option.
Guys, you have to talk to win this. That's the only way. I walked around with ten tons of bad feelings inside me. I had to let it out. I did, and now I feel like I am on the road to recovery. I know this was long, but this is part of my purge. I hope that some of you might be able to relate, and I hope this helps somebody. We all have a different journey, and I'm glad this group is here to help us all along.
I am a 44 year old man with a wife of 17 years and a son. I deeply love them. They're everything to me. I recently did something I never thought I could ever do. I hurt my wife. I betrayed her trust by viewing inappropriate content online. I didn't intend to have this happen. It was a curiosity that spiralled out of control, and, before I knew it, I was out of control with it, and, through God's grace, I was found out. What I mean by that is sometimes it takes being found out to realize what you've done and the actual damage and consequences that are attached to it. Then you can find the motivation and the courage to change. Pornography is the only addiction in the world that makes you feel like crap when you're in the middle of it. It's disappointing to yourself and those you love. Nobody is high fiving after indulging in this stuff. Nobody.
Every day, for years, I have told my wife I love her and that she is beautiful. I meant it every time. I have absolutely no conventional reason for looking at this stuff. I shouldn't have needed to. I had a hard time going back through my life and figuring this out, but it's a necessity in order to save both my marriage and, consequently, my life.
The fact that I hurt my wife is unacceptable. I can't justify my actions in any way, and I realize that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. I then set to trying to fix it. Also, I decided to look back and figure out what led me here.
I figured out what I actually used porn for. This may be weird to some people, but, due to some unfortunate situations that I found myself in during my childhood and some high level stress that happened two years ago, I had pretty serious depression and anxiety. I'm not making excuses, but a curiosity about this stuff eventually snowballed into something that I couldn't control. It was basically a crutch.
After being found out, I decided what was necessary. I went cold turkey and decided to attack the feelings that got me here. Above all, I decided to talk about my feelings and reveal things about my past that I never thought I would. It was very uncomfortable initially for me. I'm not a talk about my feelings kind of guy. I just thought I could ride it out and everything would be ok. I was wrong. It just got worse. So I opened up.
Things have improved drastically between us, and I'm very grateful for that. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and I am really grateful for her.
I'm a week in, and I have thrown the porn into the deepest part of the ocean while I fix myself. I feel like I am emerging from a fog, and I feel the makings of a new life and a new person. I'm clear and determined.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel like I'm on my way, and failure is most definitely not an option.
Guys, you have to talk to win this. That's the only way. I walked around with ten tons of bad feelings inside me. I had to let it out. I did, and now I feel like I am on the road to recovery. I know this was long, but this is part of my purge. I hope that some of you might be able to relate, and I hope this helps somebody. We all have a different journey, and I'm glad this group is here to help us all along.
