Bad Relapse-Please Help

[jts79]

First time poster, long time reader. I had decided 3 months ago to give up porn for good. I made it to Day 95 and was feeling much better, more energy, sleeping better, less anxiety. Within the last month I decided to give sex another shot so being single I met 2 girls on craigslist for one time hookups. My sexual performance was much better and I though I was well on the road to recovery.

Last weekend a local porn producer saw my ad and offered me $500 to do a scene for his amateur website with an extremely attractive 18 year old girl. I'm 35 and have always had a fantasy of a younger girl like this. The website looks sleazy and amateurish but I deciced to get a subscription to check it out. The scenes are shot in HD and is some of the hottest I have ever seen on the net. I feel like I just got a huge dopamine release from it that I have never felt before. Lets just say this has triggered an extreme relapse that is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I have probably spent most of the last week masturbating to the website, fantasizing about starring in my own porn with this girl, and edging with a constant erection for most of the days. Its to the point now where my penis is really sore and I cant even get an erection now.

I am averaging about 3 hours of sleep the last week, have been sweating, having heart palpitations, and my whole body just aches from the constant stress Ive placed it under. I havent used for 24 hours now but the fantasies are still in my mind and Im afraid Im going to act on them and ruin my life by exposing myself on the internet for a cheap thrill. Has anyone else had a bad relpase like this and how did you get through it? Im trying to calm myself by meditating and doing other things but the fantasies are popping up in my head.

Please anyone who has felt like this please help, Im feeling really depressed about this. I am a decent looking guy with a career and family. I take care of myself and am in good shape, dont drink or use drugs but right now I feel like a heroin addict or something. I just dont know what to do until the thoughts fade away and my body calms back down. Thanks!

 

[p.enlightenment]

Awesome work making it to day 95! Remember, a relapse doesn't negate all your success. You had 95 days of success, nothing can erase that. Just get back in there and don't throw in the towel.

Getting rid of porn fantasies and thoughts is going to take time. Start being porn free again. After 3-6 months you'll definitely be clear of porn thoughts. In the meantime, find some substitution activities for when urges come up. For example, every time you get an urge go for a walk, run, workout, or just go do something where you accomplish something. These activities make us feel good about ourselves and use sexual energy so we don't resort to porn. I once had an urge and I literally got up immediately and went for a run, immediately. Hey, do what it takes, this is your life.

This time when you reboot I would strongly suggest being cautious about what sexual activities you permit. When quitting porn you want to reboot your sexuality and therefore it's best to also quit masturbating. Being involved in anything related to the porn industry is not advisable. Check out this article: http://www.pornenlightenment.com/home/review-of-pornland-how-porn-has-hijacked-our-sexuality. And one night stands probably aren't going to be best either. A relationship on the other hand could be beneficial to your recovery as it has been for many recovered porn addicts.

Stay strong! You can do this. 

 

[jkkk]

jts,

Bad news: you are a heroin addict. Only our heroin is different. But it's not better.

I apologise if you find this blunt, but you're asking for advice:

- do not post on Craigslist if you're thinking about recovering.

And don't worry that it will cut you off from sex. It will not. There are plenty of girls out there who want to have sex and some of them probably would very much like to have it with you. But you gotta get out to them. Talk to them. Take into from another way round.

I don't know how to put it in words exactly, but meeting a girl from Craigslist is simply too close to a dopamine addiction.

I recommend:

This thread: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

This film: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2217.0

Keep it up, bro. You will be good.

J.

 

[sender]

Bad news: you are a heroin addict. Only our heroin is different.

So true.  Reminds me of a great quote from the movie "Thanks for sharing".  Something like: recovering from sex addiction is like trying to quit smoking crack with the pipe still attached to your body.

 

[jts79]

Thanks for the replies! I pretty much went cold turkey and concentrated on other things for a few days until I calmed back down. I focused on eating and meditating. When I have episodes like this I usually start losing weight fast due to not eating very much because Im too fixated on porn. The last couple days Ive screwed up and masturbated once so I kind of feel depressed about it but nothing like a couple weeks ago.

I honestly think my problem is craigslist. Im kind of quiet and shy so its harder for me to meet girls out in real life but as soon as I post a penis picture on craigslist I have 4 or 5 attractive girls wanting to sleep with me. I know this sounds like a good problem to have but it makes it too easy to meet girls just for sex when I dont have to put any effort into it.  This seems to have started my latest binge where I just want to watch porn all the time.

And also I told the guy I wasnt interested in being on camera for his website. Its a huge fantasy and tempting to be in my own porn video but the stress just isnt worth it.

 

[Mbg]

It sounds to me like porn addiction is merely a symptom of a larger scale of sex addiction.  You need to look at your behavior on a larger scale.  First, meeting stranger on craigslist for sex? This seems very much like addictive behavior.  It completely simplifies sex and nullifies any intimacy that healthy sex is really about.  A porn addict starring in a porno?! You need help beyond this forum.  I suggest looking up a sex addicts anonymous group in your area and attending a few meetings.  You might see you are experiencing not only relapse, but denial. 

 

[jts79]

You could be right, idk. Ive only done the craigslist thing 7 times in the last year. Its not like I just go looking for random sex every night or get a hooker or something. Everything is consenting and I always use protection. 7 girls in a year doesnt seem too bad even compared to other guys I know.

Idk man, Im 35 and have been watching porn since I was about 15. I know its ruining my life and my ability to have meaningful relationships. Im trying but there isnt alot of help out there besides internet forums. And anyone reading these forums can relate to how strong an addiction to porn can be.

 

[jkkk]

Hey jts,

So I just think that the issue here is that PMO addiction ultimately leads to other forms of abuse and addictive behaviours.

It's not to say that you are there.

The truth is that ANY GUY OR GIRL in this forum is totally susceptible to escalating dopamine addiction into eg. paid sex, anonymous sex, swingers, acting in porn movies etc. Most of these forms of sexual expression - if we can use this diplomatic notion - would become addictive to such a person.

We are all there, believe me. So don't take it personally. It's one boat we're sittin' in.

I understand you like the idea of meeting girls from craigslist. If you're asking me, and I'm a married guy, this sounds like a pretty attractive perspective. But what is attractive? The fact that the girls are beautiful? No, not really. The fact that they are new. You haven't met them yet. You didn't touch them. And if it is 4 or 5 of them sending you there pics, you sit down and make your own beauty pageant, feeling the power and opportunity of choice.

I understand your urge, but it is still just it - an urge. Will you be able to write any of those girls if you wanted to talk about something meaningful in your life? And I'm not despising the girls, no way! Everyone is acting out in this scenario.

Don't you think?

Did you go through YBOP? (second tab from right in the navigation panel)

There is plenty of fascinating brain biology material there that brilliantly explains what is going on with you when you have ANYTHING to do with sex - it really helps to put a perspective on things that we say we "like" or "enjoy" or "love". It is your brain chemistry influencing all those "feelings". It's a physiological reaction of your brain, not a conviction of your mind.

 

[jts79]

Yes, you are exactly right. My pmo leads to other destructive behaviors, all having to do with sex. Its funny, I take good care of myself, dont smoke, do any drugs, rarely drink, eat a healthy diet. I dont feel the need for any of that but instead I will watch people on the internet having fake sex for hours upon end and fantasizing about it. Seems kind of dumb if you break it down to the basics. I know its just my brain wanting its dopamine fix but its so hard to fight.

I will just keep at it. Ive made alot of progress. A year ago I was masturbating every day and watching porn from the time I got off work until bedtime so I feel like I have made great strides. It just seems like something triggers me and I relapse.

And yes, I have been looking at YBOP, that is how I found this site and reading their articles it what helps me get through the tough times.

 

[Mbg]

Jts, with all due respect you sound like you are in denial.  There is actually a lot of help for people who's sexual compulsions have become unmanageable.  Sex addicts anonymous, sexaholics, sex and love addicts anonymous, sex addiction therapists, and all manner of literature.  From your original post you sound like you are reaching out, I just think you are trying to make your situation out to be normal.  A good place to start: do this survey and be honest.  You have to want help to receive it.  https://saa-recovery.org/IsSAAForYou/SelfAssessment/

 

[jts79]

Yeah, your are right. I answered "Yes" to 8 out of the 12 questions. Im looking up a local support group to attend meetings and see if that will help. Thanks for the responses, I think I need to get some help. This porn stuff is ruining my life and just draining all my energy.

 

[Mbg]

Great job!  The hardest part is coming to grips with the reality.  I think you'll find a great solution in a support group like SAA.  I was terrified to attend my first meeting but I promise, go to a few meetings, and you will be glad you did.  Being face to face with others struggling like yourself really helps you to understand that sex addiction is more than just a bad habit: it's a disease, but one you don't have to face alone.  Be strong bud, just take it one day at a time.

 

[jts79]

Someone please help. I was doing really well again but I had a huge moment of weakness over the weekend. I lost all control and decided to film a porn scene for an amateur website. My face isnt shown but this is through a paid site that will be distributed to all the huge free sites so millions of people will probably see this.

Im feeling so ashamed and guilty for doing something like this. I thought I would be happy afterwards but Im feeling extremely depressed, barely ate or slept for 3 days now and cant stop thinking about it.

I feel like such a piece of shit after this. I hit it off really well with the girl before and we hung out afterwards, I think I kind of have some feelings for her now. She was just going through alot of financial hardship right now so was desperate for the money and turned to doing porn.

Someone please tell me how to get through this. Will these thoughts go away in the next couple days? What should I do to make sure this doesnt happen again?

 

[Mbg]

Someone please help. I was doing really well again but I had a huge moment of weakness over the weekend. I lost all control and decided to film a porn scene for an amateur website. My face isnt shown but this is through a paid site that will be distributed to all the huge free sites so millions of people will probably see this.

Im feeling so ashamed and guilty for doing something like this. I thought I would be happy afterwards but Im feeling extremely depressed, barely ate or slept for 3 days now and cant stop thinking about it.

I feel like such a piece of shit after this. I hit it off really well with the girl before and we hung out afterwards, I think I kind of have some feelings for her now. She was just going through alot of financial hardship right now so was desperate for the money and turned to doing porn.

Someone please tell me how to get through this. Will these thoughts go away in the next couple days? What should I do to make sure this doesnt happen again?

The feelings of depression and guilt are common among sex addicts after acting out in addiction.  I always felt low after I acted out and the best way to curb those feelings of hurt was to act out again.  This is the cycle of addiction.  You need to break that cycle.  You need to stop beating yourself up and focus on recovery.  There are usually triggers that lead up to acting out and it's important to learn to identify them, often they are subtle.  Stress, anxiety, obsessiveness, loneliness, etc can all be triggers.  For me, loneliness is a big trigger, coupled with stress.  I'm learning through recovery that I cannot control my sexual behavior, but I can control the ways in which I deal with problems like stress.  Masturbation and sex has always been a way to handle stress (though I never realized it was), but now I must find healthier ways to cope.  Reading, meditating, taking care of myself, writing, drawing, etc are all ways for me to ease my stress.  Just reading your post and writing this response has helped me on this particularly tough day. 

 

[jkkk]

Hey jts,

First of all - let the shame be felt, live and feel it, and let it go. What you are feeling now is extreme shame. Name it, be conscious of it, don't let it control you, don't let it lead you to acting out. You are entitled to this feeling but it isn't the whole you. It will take time till it goes, but it can go.

It's good you came here. But it is not enough. If you want change, you need to change.

As this thread shows, you came to the conclusion you have a sex addiction problem. What you have done with that information since you know it?

J.

 

[qrayzHD]

I really want to congratulate you on 95 days because that is worth celebrating, don't feel like it's to late or pointless to continue because i can guarantee that relapse did not ruin all of your progress. I wish you all the best and keep up the good fight. 

Update: I apologize, i made the mistake of only reading your first post and assumed you hadn't done the scene yet. We make mistakes and we learn from them, not only does that prove that we are human but it can make us a better human.

 

[jts79]

No, of course I dont want to be the demise of a girl. Thats why Im feeling so depressed over this and having alot of guilt. She is a single mom who has a college degree who has turned to this just to provide for her kid because she doesnt have a job and cant afford to make ends meet.  I feel absolutely horrible about what I did.

And thanks for the kind words. I was at day 95 and thought it was smooth sailing until I found about this website that is literally produced 10 minutes away from my house. And no I dont live in LA or one of the porn towns, its a modest midwestern city.

Im going to start today as day 1 again as I havent used since yesterday. I know I can pull through this, its just so hard to kick this stuff.

 

[jts79]

And if anybody knows how I can avoid watching my own scene once it gets finished please give me some advice. I know it will probably trigger a relapse but who knows maybe I will be appalled with it and never want to look at the crap again.  :-\

 

[jkkk]

If you want to stop watching P and to reboot, then you might as well start with this one - do not watch the scene you took part in.

 

[klarson27]

well.... Did you watch it?