Embracing the Future

[Paul Blart]

Hello everyone! Day one of my reboot here. New to these forums and the whole reboot concept in general. I've had an on/off battle with PMO for the last 16 years or so and recently it has become a much more frequent part of my life. This all came to a head yesterday in revealing to my spouse for the first time in our marriage that I had been dealing with this and now there is a lot of broken trust and pain that has been caused by my decisions. I could not ask for a greater partner however and she has encouraged me to be the man that I want to be and put this struggle behind me.

I'm relatively new to all the research around P's effects on the brain and so I'm coming up to speed here. I'm encouraged by the support and positivity that seems to pervade this forum! I was considering journaling in a notebook when I came across these forums so I'm going to try to post daily here and supplement with some words on physical page. If you're reading this, thanks for stopping by - I'm excited for a future without P and growing as a person, spouse, and father.

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Check out this thread, it helped me massively when I first started!

Hello Gentlemen. Now we begin.

My bona fides: over one year no relapses, no porn, no PMO, no MO. Gabe asked me to post here. I previously posted on NoFap, which I loved, and where my post had over 19,000 reads, when I left it, having achieved one year clean. Hello Gentlemen. First, let's figure out if this post is for...

forum.rebootnation.org

I'm excited to see you beat this affliction, king!

 

[N89]

Hello everyone! Day one of my reboot here. New to these forums and the whole reboot concept in general. I've had an on/off battle with PMO for the last 16 years or so and recently it has become a much more frequent part of my life. This all came to a head yesterday in revealing to my spouse for the first time in our marriage that I had been dealing with this and now there is a lot of broken trust and pain that has been caused by my decisions. I could not ask for a greater partner however and she has encouraged me to be the man that I want to be and put this struggle behind me.

I'm relatively new to all the research around P's effects on the brain and so I'm coming up to speed here. I'm encouraged by the support and positivity that seems to pervade this forum! I was considering journaling in a notebook when I came across these forums so I'm going to try to post daily here and supplement with some words on physical page. If you're reading this, thanks for stopping by - I'm excited for a future without P and growing as a person, spouse, and father.

I feel ya man. I can relate quite well on what you are going through. I Just started writing myself. Was going to do the same thing and begin writing in notebook and I can across these forums. I definitely need to write, but also need the encouragement on staying on track (which already I have gotten & couldn’t be more thankful). Looking forward to reading your journey brother. Definitely have my support along the way!

 

[Paul Blart]

Check out this thread, it helped me massively when I first started!

Hello Gentlemen. Now we begin.

My bona fides: over one year no relapses, no porn, no PMO, no MO. Gabe asked me to post here. I previously posted on NoFap, which I loved, and where my post had over 19,000 reads, when I left it, having achieved one year clean. Hello Gentlemen. First, let's figure out if this post is for...

forum.rebootnation.org

I'm excited to see you beat this affliction, king!

Thanks for sharing! I'm soaking up as much knowledge as I can right now. I plan on visiting some of the content that you shared in the early days of your journal as I have the time. Appreciate the support brother!

 

[Paul Blart]

I feel ya man. I can relate quite well on what you are going through. I Just started writing myself. Was going to do the same thing and begin writing in notebook and I can across these forums. I definitely need to write, but also need the encouragement on staying on track (which already I have gotten & couldn’t be more thankful). Looking forward to reading your journey brother. Definitely have my support along the way!

Thanks for following along @N89 . It's really encouraging to know there are so many out there willing and able to support each other. I'm going to be foll0wing along and encouraging you in your journey!

 

[Paul Blart]

Day 2. Zero temptations for PMO right now. Doing a lot of work with my spouse to make amends, make changes, and be clear on my conviction that I am kicking this addiction. It's easy to avoid temptation right now while the pain in our relationship is so fresh but I know that I'll have to be vigilant as that conflict begins to fade.

I'm a religious person and have found just how dramatically I shifted away from my faith as PMO took greater and greater hold on my life. Have had some really powerful moments of release and reckoning today with just how broken I am but conviction that I can put this behind me and the signs are already there that my relationship with my spouse has the potential to be stronger than it ever has been before.

Also shared about my addition to PMO with two friends today and will be sharing with another this afternoon. It feels good to come clean to so many people in my life, including those I'm meeting here. Thankful for the support on this journey.

 

[Paul Blart]

3 days clean, still no temptation or remote opportunity for PMO - I feel like it will be awhile before I face that just because of all of the fresh trauma that my wife and I are working through. I have an on/off pit in my stomach over the deception that I maintained for so long and that has my wife (understandably) questioning how she can trust me. My new standard is that any slip up is ground's for divorce - I need to recognize and internalize the stakes here and never let that lose precedent.

I'm feeling led to keep sharing with people who are close to me. I shared with 3 friends yesterday as well as my parents and then today I was able to share with another friend/former mentor and I will be sharing with my sister this evening. My brother-in-law is going through a similar situation so I've reached out to him to connect with him and hold each other accountable. I'm waffling between encouragement for the future, and deep regret and sorrow for the things I've done. I also keep having these little moments where I remember a specific instance of P and feel a pit in my stomach knowing that I should share with my wife. It sucks every time because I know that it just dredges up more hurt and corrodes trust even further but I think it's important for me to learn to listen to my gut about when I need to tell my wife something to hold myself accountable going forward.

 

[N89]

 

[Paul Blart]

Day 4 today, still working through a lot with my wife but we are on such a positive trajectory. Little time to write today so I'm keeping it short and sweet - PMO will not be my story and this is a new chapter. Continuing to be excited for the future.

 

[Paul Blart]

Day 5/6. Still clean, feeling depressed today and yesterday. Taking a lot of steps to put this in the past including continuing to share with people, surrounding myself with other guys to open up to, joining a recovery group, and continuing to rely on God.

 

[Paul Blart]

Hey all, a bit of a hiatus here. Day 15 and still powering on. These past two weeks have been, and continue to be challenging for my wife and I. We are having tough conversations everyday and she is asking me challenging questions about my addiction. She is going through so much hurt and betrayal and I know this is going to take months to years for her to feel like she knows me again, or can trust me again.

I started going to a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. Had my second meeting last night. My dad has been going with me (he is a recovering alcoholic) and I feel that there is a lot of opportunity to deepen our relationship in ways that I assumed were not possible. I am closer to God than I have been at any point in the last 7 years. I'm thankful for the recovery, and for the support I've received, and I'm hopeful that others are encouraged to quit pornography and lust too.

 

[Paul Blart]

Hey everyone! Still here - it's been hard to remember to come post here lately. Just wanted to check in and encourage everyone to continue the fight to push back against porn. This is Day 45, for me, I think. I've been learning a lot about myself, how I would use porn to cope, learning a lot about God, and having greater intimacy with my wife as result of removing this from my life. Porn is literally poison and I'm so thankful to be on the road to getting rid of it.

Some practical things that have helped me that could help others:

-Covenant Eyes on phone as well as parental controls on phone setup by my wife (can't add apps and other restrictions unless she enters her password)
-Keeping phone in the hallway outside my office when I work, never taking it with me to the bathroom
-Eliminate all social media
-Pulling back from media consumption in general. Less streaming and binging of shows has opened up opportunities to read and learn and connect with my wife and God.
-I've connected with a couple of friends and set in place weekly meetings for accountability as well as encouraging each other in our faith
-12 Step programs, whether it be Celebrate Recovery of Sexaholics Anonymous
-Some kind of daily program or instruction you're working through. For me these have been devotionals geared towards porn users (Covenant Eyes 40 Day Challenge) but I'm sure there are lots of non-religious options as well.
-Confessing to others that I'm close to (friends, immediate family, etc)
-Marriage counseling. I do intend and desire to do individual counseling as well once we are not doing marriage counseling as frequent as we are currently.
-Books that I've read that have been helpful tools, with more on the way

1. Worthy of Her Trust
2. Finally Free
3. Wired for Intimacy (recommended by a friend - have not read yet, starting next)

I just want to commend you guys that this fight is worth it!