My journal.

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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Hello everybody.

First of all, sorry for my english. I am brasilian and I know I have to work to improve my english, but I hope everyone can understand what I write.

I have tryed many, many times to stop PMO, but I had always lost. This time I tought about beginning a journal to try to help me beat this addiction.
I am 32 yo. I have a seemingly good life, I have a very good job as a software developer, make good money, I had always worked out a lot and girls find me very atractive, I have a fantastic fiancee and yet I have this dark thing and this sadness. There is no reason for it, but I am still unhappy.

I never had PIED, but my sexual interest in my partner seems to be ever going down. Sometimes I rather PMO then be with her. During the day  I keep fantasising about diferent women even if it makes me feel guilt about it. I also cheated a lot in the past and I hate it about myself. I used to PMO daily, sometimes up to 6 times a day.
Since dicovering yourbraininporn, I have lowed the amout of PMO, but I still never was able to get more then a 10 days streak.

I have lots of triggers, but a very powerfull one is alcohol. Whenever a drink, especially if I drink heavy and get hangover the other day, I binge hard. I don't drink often, maybe twice per month, but I always binge after that. Trying to stop drinking completely too.

I believe that altough I have no reason to be unhappy, I feel a lot of times that life is meaningless. Probably the PMO has left me desensitised to find happines and life's small things. So I am usually bored, sad or angry with life. Ofetn thinking that life has no reason, that we are all just like Sysyphus with his stone. Strugling everyday for no  real reason, for no end. It let me frustrated and the way to stop my frustation is PMO.

That is enough. This time I will completaly remove it from my life. I hope you people can help me.

The last time I PMO'ed was 26th october. I want to remove it totally from my life for ever, but at first I will make a goal of 30 days, so I can feel happy if I get there. I also know that I never got more then 10 days, so I will be realistic with my goals.

Thanks.
 
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dhira

Member
Hi Tzimisce and welcome!

I cant relate alot to your story. Thanks very much for sharing it. I finished a 4 year relationship just over a year ago and was PMO' ing all the time. She found out twice and was gutted. I know that sense of guilt. I even used her laptop to PMO! I have no shame...

Your in the right place here. Writing a journal is very powerful therapy.

I don?t drink any more but It was a huge trigger for me too. Good luck with that. Try a green smoothie!

I find that PMO is very soul destroying. It does take the juice out of life and leave a lot of confusion in it's trail. For me it makes connecting in relationships particularly difficult, starting with my relationship with myself. It really is a kind of trick. PMO is so exciting initially but quickly turns everything toxic. I'm finding that rebooting is the opposite way around. A little painful at the very beginning but the true happiness of life is slowly given the chance to manifest. So I'm sure if you give this reboot your best you will experience the inner peace and meaning your looking for.

You can do it
dhira
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Thanks for your suport Dhira. It really helps.

One thing that I really hate about myself, is that Porn and sex totally crush my morals. I am usually a honest and good person. People usually trust me and even come to me to resolve disputes in my workplace because they say that I am a honest and just person, but when it comes to porn and sex I suddenly become a scum and a lyer. I had never been faithfull to any ex-girlfriend I had. I lyed and cheated and hide when it comes to porn and sex. This has to stop.

Last night my fiance came to my home and we spent the night together. I said I was tired and she was too, so we did not had sex, just cuddled and slept together. Peple says it is better to stop sex for a while because orgasm can slow the reboot, so just to be safe I will take it slower.

I often think that I should come clean to her and tell her about it all, but she also had just lost her parent last year and things are still really rough in her home (she still lives with her family), so I feel I can't let her suffer anymore because of me. She already has a lot of problems. For now I will keep it to myself and try to get good by myself. She never suspected about my porn use, so maybe I would only worry her more for nothing. I have to beat it and be a better person for me and for her too, cause she deserves it. She is so good to me. I can't do it. Especially the cheating and having affairs. It can't happen again. I can't let it take over me.

It is the sixth day of no PMO. I know that it gets really hard usually after seventh day, so I am preparing myself. Trying to work a lot. I even asked to work on this weekend. I also blocked my computers with k9. I will try to be active to not think about porn. I will also write here everyday and read other peoples journals. It helps to keep focused on my goal.

Thanks everyone.
 
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dhira

Member
Hey buddy.

I feel for you. About coming clean with your lady. I dont profess to have all the answers. And each situation and woman is different. But my 2 dollars worth would be this.
If she doent know about your PMO'ing and other things. I would hold back on telling her until you have got your reboot underway. You may think you will unburden yourself by coming clean now but considering she just lost her parents she needs support. So it could just make things ten times worse. As you are aware of.

A sincere appology from someone who has really changed and can show it day by day will be much more impressive and reassuring and more likely have the desired outcome of her understanding what your problem was. So you could both put it behind you.

I really hurt my ex when she found out about my PMO. This was a few years back. But I just totally  comitted myself to recovery. I ended up doing a 12 step program which got me into a good sober space and enabled me to let go of a lot of the guilt I had buried deep. I was a very different guy after that. And when I asked her to forgive me for the PMO it all worked out nice.

So it looks like you have a bit of breathing space to work with. So I would concentrate on just staying clean. What you will need to do regarding your lady will unfold in time.

Don't worry, your one of the good guy's or you wouldn't be trying to change :)
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Thank you Ddhira for your replies. Today is being especially hard, and just seeing your answers and your suport gives me more resolve to keep clean. It is also good to talk to somebody about those issues, because nobody close to me knows about it.
You are right, there is no reason to burden her with this issue. I will get better, I have to.
Thanks a lot friend.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Wow, today was hard. I had to wrestle these thoughts and fantasies a lot. It kept coming back.
But I want to write it here so I can read it again in the future and be motivated. Right now, I am going to sleep and I feel very good. Finally feeling calm and peaceful. It was hard but I went through it. It can be done. If I had relapsed, now I would be depressed and angry with myself. But I did it. One more day. I feel happy.
Hey, future me, it is not worth it. Remember this feeling. remember how much better it is to go to bed feeling a little more proud of yourself and with a peaceful mind instead of angry or depressed. Don't give up! Day by day I will defeat it.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
8th day:
Yesterday was hard, but today I woke up fine. Feeling very horny sometimes but in a good mood. I never got more then 10 days before, but this time I will get it. I think I will stay those 10 first days also without sex and orgasm with my fiance. The toughts and fantasies about sex and porn are still strong. I hope they fade away soon.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
9th day:
Yesterday I ended up looking some pics of a girl in swinsuit for some time. Got incredibly horny. As I just looked and it was not pron, I guess I wont count it as a full relapse, but I guess it slows the reboot.

Except for this "incident" the rest of the day was normal. I was very tired at night, so I just crashed and slept. My mood is getting better too and I am feeling less anxious and more relaxed. It is getting close to 10 days without fap, sex or orgasm. I never went past 10 days before. I always failed at 10 days. This time I will beat it and get to 30 days without fap. I have to.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
10th day:
Yesterday night my fiance slept in my home and we had lots of sex. I hope it does not slow the reboot, but i think I will not totally stop doing it.
I feel great today and because of last night the hornyness has become easier. I feel lighter and in a good mood.

This is the day 10, I never passed over 10 days, so I just have to be strong. My friends are calling me to go to a bar tonight. I have to be strong and especially to not drink. Alcohol is a huge trigger for me. I just have to remember all the hard work I had to keep clean for 10 days and not waste it. Maybe it wuld be wiser to not go with them to avoid any temptation, but I don't want to end my social life either. If I just don't drink anything or drink very little I think I will be good.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Day 0:
Failed. Ended up drinking last night. Woke up with a litle hangover, fapped for imagination only. Starting again. Feeling bad about it, but at least I did get 10 days without fapping again and it is a little progress compared to fap to porn almost daily.
I wont give up, starting again.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Arrrrgh!
Failed again. Already reseted the counter three times today. The hangover is killing me. I am a mess today. At least it is not porn, but it is still bad. Oh well, nothing else to do but to try again, harder.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
It seems that after I fail, it is very hard to get back on the reboot. I binged yesterday and did once again this morning. I am disgusted with myself.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Day 1:
Feeling bad and ashamed for failing again and losing my streak. Nothing else to do but to be humble and own to my mistakes.
This weekend I asked again to work so I can be busy and don't fail. Being busy helps.
Thanks Dhira for the words. It does help a lot to hear from you.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
I drank a lot last night. Got with a girl I met in a pub and cheated my fiance.
Today woke up with a hangover and a lot of guilt. Fapped twice. What is wrong with me? I need help.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
My hangover and the guilt I am feeling are crashing me.
I just feel like I had enough. I just want it all to end. I would really like to just lay down and never wake up again.
I am just a selfish scumbag and a waste of space. It will be better for everyone around me if I just have the courage to end it all.
 
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rodrigo_reboot

Member
Day 2:
I am so angry with myself for failing so much. I will try to use this anger to motivate me. That is enough I can't fail anymore. No more fap no more porn.
 
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