Just reflecting on some things - was reading another post about how people don't like the word addict. For me its not a problem as I am one, I was one with alcohol, with soft and party drugs (a raver in my youth!) and can easily get addicted to anything. It actually helps me, because if i accept PMO is an addiction, I can accept that I have to change.
I am not trying to change anyone's mind or preach, just reflecting on this as I need to. I have been around 12 steps for more than 21 years and can see both sides. Step One is recognising that we were powerless over this or that, and that our lives had become unmanageable. For me with alcohol, this involved uncovering all the little pockets of denial, including minimisation, justification, debating if I was really an alcoholic - amazing really given the evidence (lost jobs, strained relationships or breakups, arrests, shaking, fits, closed wards, suicide attempts) So in a way with PMO I want to really see the effects it has had on my life, and they are not as dramatic as that at all, but they have created a huge power loss.
Everyone's story and use is different, but we all want to fight this thing and change. For me, to find the power to change it ironically involves accepting how powerless i was over the compulsion. I have to really examine all the evidence to support my will to change. I remember the amount of times I tried to stop and couldn't, which is for me the essence of addiction, doing something you dont want to because you dont have the power to say no to it. I didn't have to use PMO every day, like alcohol, it didn't drive me to try to take my life, but it did fuck up my relationships, my self-esteem, my power as a man, my virility and my body. And I should have known better - the body is sacred, sex is sacred, its the energy all of nature is created with, it is life force, and I was chucking it away in tissues. I had a dangerous fetish. It led to questionable sexual connections and relationships. It undermined my confidence to the point where sometimes I felt so beaten I thought I might as well drink. it took away my ability to have sex, created a huge fear of sex and the shame of not being able to perform. I strived so hard to be a good man and live in service, and I did, yet this thing undermined all my hard hard work.
I am not a 12 step nazi, in fact there are many things I dislike about AA and keep drifting away to explore other spiritual paths, and this has been a wonderful journey with all kinds of adventures, but meetings help me remember how bad it all was and give me a chance to encourage a newcomer. Step one is followed by finding spiritual power, a higher power, and resolving to live aligned with spiritual principles. So the power is returned in a way. A higher power could be the collective wisdom of this forum, nature, the sun, or a god or goddess of your understanding. I like the native American concept of Great Spirit, or the God of the book 'Conversations with God' - present in all things and all beings. Anyway praying to something for help, for resolve, for the power to stay clean today really helps me.
Am I an addict? Yes, but it doesn't define me or limit me any more. I have the resources and spiritual power to assist me. Are you an addict? No idea, but we all need a firm and powerful WHY. The gift of a rock bottom and desperation. A list of all the harms we did to ourselves and others...a list of reasons we must change to look at when we feel tempted.
Hope this isn't preachy, writing it through helps firm up my resolve and collect my thoughts and ideas about how to succeed in a reboot. I never thought i could get this far tbh, and have so much gratitude for the forum and wisdom here.