tyrionheights
New Member
I'll go on a random anonymous forum and crack jokes. I know what time the women are online, I probably engage with the same few each time, but I don't really care. I talk to them, ask explicitly for sex and they oblige even though I don't know anything about them. They could be anyone! Who said they were even female? I complete the deed thinking of my favourite pornstar whilst we roleplay. Then I feel empty. Guilty. Unable to sleep and I stay up all night browsing social media, planning my next outlet. I probably will relapse a second time the same night, like tonight. Then I'll tell myself throughout the day that it's an addiction, I can't control it, I need this because women think I'm repulsive in real life and nobody loves me. I have grandiose plans to move abroad just so I can go to a country where prostitution is legal. I want the thrill and the excitement, I'm like a wild dog off its leash and today I almost bit an old lady. I almost started a friends with benefits relationship with her on a pay-to-use app. But I didn't care. I just wanted the thrill and I don't care where I get it from. I'm stressed, my dad has lung cancer and I failed to get into University. I'm unemployed and I just want to find a way to stop thinking. To numb all thought because emotions lead to cowardice, weakness and vulnerability. Yet I feel so empty inside, jaded and broken, lost without truly knowing why. I'm alone in the cosmos and I need help before I potentially hurt another person emotionally, in turn hurting myself and further hindering my ability to feel. I want out of this addiction which has plagued me since I was 11. I don't want to be a slave anymore and I don't want to use other people to escape from my feelings.
