I'm making such poor decisions with my life.

[tyrionheights]

Every single decision I've made since discovering pornography is to avoid discipline to experience pleasure, to avoid any experiences that I could consider negative whilst wasting my time searching for 'that perfect video'. My friends introduced me to some more extreme genres involving real people after getting into hentai, the same friend taught me how to masturbate. I no longer see him because he isn't addicted, he cut me off because I was becoming so negative to be around as I just kept escalating and escalating to other genres. I ended up spending time around the down and outs whilst he got a degree in graphic design and is planning on becoming a graphic designer. I have no such ambition, I've never felt as though I'm capable or worthy of having such ambitions. At 19, nearly 20, my dad keeps telling me I should get into retail. 'Why don't you find a job? I've heard the corner cafe is hiring'. This is because I flunked on all my classes in search of that one perfect video and now I have regrets. I don't think I'll ever find a genuine girlfriend because of how repulsive my face is, when I talk about my issues with loneliness women call me a disgusting person, a sick person. They tell me that I need therapy and I've lowered my standards so much as to accommodate to online roleplaying in which I never show my face.

I have a Discord account where I speak to Japanese and Korean girls with a picture of a male model that looks like Brad Pitt because of how degenerative I think I am. I feel like an unworthy person and I try to ameliorate these tensions caused by roleplay and pornography with more roleplay and pornography, now I've escalated to looking for friends with benefits to try to numb the pain. I've dabbled in prostitutes before and I might do it again, even though it's illegal in my country. I might search for them again just to get my next fix. I am a disgusting person and I've been out of the gym for so long and eating so little that I'm just withering away. I feel very little motivation to continue in life unless it's for the reasons of finding more porn and potential roleplaying partners, having that gratification immediately. I usually get triggered by the partners anyway and start searching for porn, their existences don't matter to me even though they should. I wish I could be oblivious to the whole thing, imagine a world where I never discovered pornography. I didn't think that just one video when I was 11 would lead to all of this and I envy the people who's lives turned out differently even though I have no plans to take control of my life myself.

And all my teachers who gave me failing grades told me it was natural. In college I was very vocal in my psychology class (so people could understand the concept of addiction through my addiction), but the addiction itself stopped me from truly remembering anything. I wish I could kill myself but not die, just wipe out half of my brain that's making me do these things.

 

[Spadeship]

Hey dude

first I’d like to say , you sound strong enough to notice the differences in people around you. You sound like an intelligent man. A high emotional intelligence. But sometimes smart people are extremely cruel to themselves because they have a hard time feeling understood in their peer groups. They may actually feel stupid in their everyday life and beat themselves up for it.
It sounds like you feel behind in life thinking that you got the short end of the stick with your porn addiction and your friends are moving on to bigger and better? Life feels like a track. I know because I’m living right now. Thinking you’re a slow mother*fuxer while everyone else is sprinting. Yeah, we’ll I don’t know if it’s a race. And I don’t even know if there’s a destination . It’s a park. You’re not behind anyone.